u/tater-tots-r-us

I know this isn’t a medical sub. That’s not really what I’m asking about. For some background, I was basically born and raised in California from when I was a kid to young adult. He lived in Nashville basically his whole life until he moved to Cali to be with me and closer to some family he has out there.

We smoked Mary Jane basically every day. He worked a delivery job that he had outside and I worked my way up to management roles in retail.

We both decided to move to Nashville. He could be closer to his family at home and I’d be closer to my dad’s side of the family, it was supposed to be a win win situation.

In the year we moved back, we were smoking heavily until he started having breathing problems. We stopped only like a few months ago and it’s helped but he’s had 2 asthma attacks that resulted in us going to the hospital to receive breathing treatments.

I’m terrified lowkey but I’m more so posting this to see if anyone has gone through something similar here and if there was any solutions. I don’t know much about asthma and I’ll be reading up on it whenever I get home later today. I’m just reaching out to the community. I’m 25 and he’s 24 and we’re both living with family.

I do want to repeat that we have stopped smoking altogether. I eat edibles occasionally but other than that we’ve been good at quitting.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've just been in a terrible mindset that's been growing the last few days and it usually happens about a week or two before my period. It's not once a month, maybe just once every few months (2-4 ish). I just go down this death spiral of bad mindsets and negative emotions. I find it happens more frequently when my boyfriend and I don't have sex as often. I feel like I'm unworthy and unwomanly. I just get so down on myself, my appearance, how I've let myself go. I know it's not me. I just feel so off and I don't have the words to explain it.

I don't feel sexy or attractive or cute. I feel like shit and ugly. I feel like I look like a bloated whale and my confidence absolutely plummets. I don't know if this is the luteal phase or if it's genuinely how insecure I get about myself. I know I lack self-confidence. It takes a toll on me knowing that I think so lowly of myself and I let a lot of my childhood feelings affect how I think about myself as an adult.

The part that really makes me feel terrible and want to change this is I treat my boyfriend like absolute shit. I shouldn't, I know that, but it's so hard when he's just so happy and I'm in this dark hole and can't quite crawl out yet. I know I treat him badly. I got mad at him today for going to play basketball. Why am I getting mad about him going to play basketball? After some reflection, I think I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he can be so carefree while I can't even figure out something that makes me happy besides when I'm with him.

I know I'm attached. I moved from my home in California to Tennessee and I don't think it was something I should've done. I also transferred from my day job to closing shift and I think that's also changed my perception on this move. There's just so many things that I think is wrong with me. So many things. I'm 25 years old in a country where my rights as a woman are still being questioned and I don't know who I am. I just feel this pressure that I can't shake and I don't know what to do. It's making me someone I'm not. I don't even think I'm making sense at this point. I just need some guidance or advice.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've just been in a terrible mindset that's been growing the last few days and it usually happens about a week or two before my period. It's not once a month, maybe just once every few months (2-4 ish). I just go down this death spiral of bad mindsets and negative emotions. I find it happens more frequently when my boyfriend and I don't have sex as often. I feel like I'm unworthy and unwomanly. I just get so down on myself, my appearance, how I've let myself go. I know it's not me. I just feel so off and I don't have the words to explain it.

I don't feel sexy or attractive or cute. I feel like shit and ugly. I feel like I look like a bloated whale and my confidence absolutely plummets. I don't know if this is the luteal phase or if it's genuinely how insecure I get about myself. I know I lack self-confidence. It takes a toll on me knowing that I think so lowly of myself and I let a lot of my childhood feelings affect how I think about myself as an adult.

The part that really makes me feel terrible and want to change this is I treat my boyfriend like absolute shit. I shouldn't, I know that, but it's so hard when he's just so happy and I'm in this dark hole and can't quite crawl out yet. I know I treat him badly. I got mad at him today for going to play basketball. Why am I getting mad about him going to play basketball? After some reflection, I think I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he can be so carefree while I can't even figure out something that makes me happy besides when I'm with him.

I know I'm attached. I moved from my home in California to Tennessee and I don't think it was something I should've done. I also transferred from my day job to closing shift and I think that's also changed my perception on this move. There's just so many things that I think is wrong with me. So many things. I'm 25 years old in a country where my rights as a woman are still being questioned and I don't know who I am. I just feel this pressure that I can't shake and I don't know what to do. It's making me someone I'm not. I don't even think I'm making sense at this point. I just need some guidance or advice.

Besides Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas ofc. Mon and Sun are my off days. Every holiday this year was/is on a week day, Fri or Sat. I just noticed. And I just died a little inside. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep.

I'm actually shaking right now.

My plan for today was to go on a hike. I planned out a trail and everything. I didn't realize how late I was going though as I've been doing laundry since I woke up this morning. I didn't realize how much time had passed from my bf going to work til then when I decided to get ready to go either.

The trail I wanted to hit was 30 minutes away and was going to be 2 hours long. It's noon. The the UV Index is at 9 and it's kinda hot. Hell no, I'm not burning myself alive. So I drive to the local park. I'm just jamming listening to my music.

The park is kinda crowded for a Monday and it's still pretty hot. #notworth So, I changed my mind again. I'm just gonna get some ice and go home. I go to my favorite gas station with my favorite nugget ice.

As I park and get ready to get out, I receive an alert. It's one of those wildfire alerts but I'm confused because I moved from CA a year ago and there's no way a wildfire (unless it is possible) is in my current city.

So I look at the map. BRO it's for my grandpa's house where I used to live. So I text everyone, call everyone, NO ONE ANSWERS. At this point I'm freaking the FUCK out. Seconds after I call my mom (she doesn't know what's going on), my sister texts me back.

"Yee chillin for now it's fairly close"

Then she sends a video, THAT THING IS OVER THE HILL!! I call and I'm like bro you guys need to get out. That's closer than normal. Then I tell her that I looked at the map again and they're in the red evacuation zone.

It sounds like my sisters are just waking up and I'm like "Please get Grandpa". Then I tell him the call and voicemail I got and now they're packing their important documents and getting the animals rn. I'm shaking. I'm over a thousand miles away.

I'm just glad I was able to warn them. And if the house doesn't catch on fire, then great, better safe than sorry at that point. I just feel like it was a feeling from God. If I was out on that trail, I wouldn't have gotten that call. I would've been well onto the trail by then.

I'm still shaking and my stomach is so queasy.

I haven’t been sleeping well since we moved from California to Tennessee almost a year ago now. We had these terrible flimsy pillows that sucked and our room gets uber hot when it’s hot out. I had a particularly bad sleep routine last week and had a breakdown because of it. I came home on Friday and he had gotten me a memory foam pillow from the brand Casper.

I thought I wouldn’t like it because I couldn’t comfortably lay with this brick feeling pillow behind my head. Plus I’ve been relearning how to sleep on my back. I closed my eyes and I shit you not I woke up and I felt like I got back all the sleep I had been missing. I’ve been getting 6-8 hours pretty consistently throughout the last few days I’ve used it. I actually love this pillow and I highly recommend it if you work closing or night shift.

I work 3:30pm-11:30pm every day and shower when I get home which wakes me up. I’ve got it down to taking a warm/hot slow shower, heavy eye mask and little to no screen time (if I do, brightness all the way down and warm light on high). Just got a warm light lamp too so I don’t have to deal with any blue light.

I’m gonna keep this up for the next week and see how I’m doing then. I’m gonna go take a nap now :)