u/thequarrycat

I am starting to accept myself exactly how Allah created me. I am Pansexual and Nonbinary. I have different interpretations of this religion. But what I know is that God doesn't make mistakes. God is merciful and compassion.

I refuse to accept that lgbtq+ is a sin in a way shape or form. living authentically and loving authentically can't be a sin. Being who you are, being kind to others and accepting is not a sin. So I am proud that Allah created me that way.

I am not happy about how majority of muslims choose to interpret religious text in a hateful and harmful way. And that we have to exist in a society that is a danger to us in every way. But I have faith that Allah gave us a brain to interpret his Quran ourselves. To do the research ourselves. and I have faith that Allah loves his followers no matter what. As long as we are muslims, and have good faith in Allah then things will be ok. We may follow this religion differently. We may disagree with many things in this religion. But what matters is our personal journey with Islam. And that it makes us good humans that spread goodness in this world instead of hate.

My mom seems hella jealous that I get to hangout with my friends whenever I want and stay out "late" (till 11pm). She can't do that cause my dad will give her shit. and It's not decent for a married woman to stay out late with her friends and leave her husband alone at home. Talk about some 1950s sexist bullshit. I feel bad for her. But also I don't want her to take it out on me.

When I wake up early to hangout with my friends then I sleep in the next day, she makes a big deal out of it. "Oh, so you can wake up early for your little friends but not for your family." Yes I woke up late. But I got up, helped around the house, made dinner and slept early. But all hell breaks loose cause I woke up late and slept early. I didn't ignore my responsibilities. I did chores and made dinner. But no she just want to be fucking mad.

I'm just pissed off. Cause this shit happens every time i go out with my friends. It is suffocating. I can't wait to just move out so she can deal with her husband's bullshit on her own and I can hangout with my friends without the anxiety of having to tell her every single step of what we did in the hangout, who, when, where, and why im hanging out, when im coming back. No matter what, she is upset that im going out. She just wants me to be depressed and stuck at home 24/7.

I am really struggling with my belief in religion in general. I believe that there is a creator. But why would God allow so much suffering and Evil?

I feel so much resentment towards God. It's making it so difficult to pray or trust God and feel compassion and love towards God.

What is your reason for believing that islam is the truth? Why do you continue to believe and worship? Has there been a time that you didn't believe and then came back to religion?

I am questioning Islam so so much rn and it is scary. Something I used to believe in so strongly to the point that I used to be very conservative (definitely regret this time of my life) to on the verge of not believing.

I am Pansexual and non binary. I believe gender is a construct. I don't believe in hijab and I believe being LGBTQ+ is NOT a sin and "acting on it" is not a sin either.

I feel so much religious guilt and shame though. Every muslim person in my life doesn't know about this huge part of my identity or any of these beliefs. But if they did, I would be kicked out of the community. My family would be absolutely shocked by that too. I'm 23 living with my family. still in school. no job and unable to move out. I love my family so much. and i don't want to ruin my relationship with them. I still want them to be in my life. coming out would 100% ruin my relationship with them and I would be kicked out.

I sometimes wish i ignored my sexuality and gender. pretend to be something i am not. atleast I wasn't crying about it then. but now i just keep crying and having so much anxiety.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Choosing to accept my sexuality and gender is forcing me to deal with a lot of religious guilt and an identity crisis.

I can't date or marry anyone that is not cis male cause then i would force myself to be out or force someone to be in the closet. I can only marry a cis man that is muslim if i want my parents to approve of the marriage. And on top of that, he has to have the same beliefs as me. how can I find a muslim man with the same progressive beliefs as me. Feels impossible.

It just feels like the future that I have always imagined for myself just got destroyed cause I'm choosing to be authentically myself. and I can't imagine what my new future looks like.

I'm scared, confused, lost. I feel pathetic like a lost child. I need compassion, understanding, and some solid advice that take my situation into account.