u/theswedishtrex

But where it should be, my fingers instead brushed against a cold hand.

I had two weeks off work and it's been absolute hell. I had a rough spring with a lot of work issues and now, two days before I'm set to go back, I feel even more drained than I did before.

I've only been able to sleep with the help of sleeping aids. I have nightmares and stress dreams every night. My days are filled with anxiety. I've taken long walks every day and it has helped a bit. I've tried to do some stuff so I wouldn't get too stuck in my head and it helped momentarily, but as soon as I got back home, I was back in the doom spiral. I've had panic attacks and I'm back to binge eating.

I'm mentally exhausted, I haven't been feeling this bad in a long, long time. I already have intense anxiety about going back to work.

I hope that getting back into my normal routine and meeting people regularly again will fix this. Because if it doesn't, I feel like I should have myself admitted.

Kind... That's all I am

​

Kind. That's the only word people use to describe me. I look kind, I behave kindly. At work, the only way they describe my performance is that I'm kind, a kind coworker. That's it. My only stand out feature is what I do for other people.

​

My appearance is frequently summed up as "I look like a kind person". I have "kind eyes", a "kind face". That's it. (Or, well, there was that one time someone said I'm a solid 2/10.) If I was to ask someone my hair colour, they'd probably say "kind".

​

I'm kind. That's all I am.

​

I wish I was something more. Interesting, funny, annoying, whatever. Something more than just kind. I want to achieve something people can remember, something more than just "she was kind to me". I leave no mark anywhere, I make no impressions. I'm just a kind face that drifts through people's lives.

On Thursday, I got told, unexpectedly, in a private meeting with my boss about something completely different, that I'll probably lose my job in October. I managed to keep it together for approximately five minutes before the first tear and then it was just like the flood gates opened. I haven't cried that much in years. I couldn't get words out, I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, while my boss tried to comfort me with words I couldn't hear.

I didn't eat lunch with my coworkers like I usually do, I ate a protein bar in the bathroom because I knew if they asked me about the meeting I'd just start crying. And I didn't want that to happen in the lunch room.

But after lunch, some of my coworkers came to check on me. They only had to look at me with kind eyes before I started crying again. I spent the rest of the day just sobbing on and off while trying to work through the tears.

I went to work on Friday because I knew if I didn't, I don't think I would have been able to go back at all. The day started with me getting a long email explaining why I was probably going to be let go. I broke down again. And I left work at lunch, blaming the headache I was getting from just crying.

It's now Saturday night. I've had a panic attack and I'm crying again. I just feel absolutely ruined and broken. I don't want to go to work on Monday. I can't look anyone in the eye, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so sad about losing this job, I love it so much.

I'm not going to hurt myself, but I have this feeling of I can't. I can't do this anymore. Why do I even try?

I don't know what to do. Or, well, I do know. I'm going to cry and have panic attacks tomorrow as well. Then I'm going to go to work on Monday. Because what else am I supposed to do? If I call in sick, if I take time off, I won't be able to go back at all. It'll get too much.

Hopefully, I won't cry. Hopefully I've gathered myself enough.

I just feel so... Lost.