u/throwaway2222223330

I, 23 (F) was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 when I was 18. I’m not medicated and I feel like I’m getting dumber and more forgetful everyday. I’m currently in college, 3rd year going on 4th, it’s going ok? I wouldn’t say I’m doing great because I’m not unfortunately.. my real question is it normal to feel paranoid? I’ve been hearing voices, very hushed voices through out the day. I firstly thought it was all in my head because it was only frequently happening at my house, but then I kept hearing them in my car.. I’m scared and I can’t fall asleep because of it.. it’s been two weeks now and I keep telling myself that’s it’s all in my head but they keep happening and they keep getting louder by the day.
My first final is today and I keep hearing little voices inside my walls and sometimes even under my pillow, I’m so tired and so f*cking scared. If anyone knows anything about this also happening to them or to someone they know please leave advice ty.

I a 23yr F, have held immense hatred for my older sister who’s 32. I’m gonna give a brief summery on when this hatred stemmed from and started, around the age of 16 my sister introduced me to dr*gs, p0t, p*lls, alc@hol and worst of all c*ke. She- and her older friends would let me use and go out with them to places I’d like to call now- f*cking hell, in my country all that I have mentioned is severely illegal even alc@hol and p0t.. she would bring me to older men’s houses, I got gr@ped and s*xually harassed multiple times, and every time I’d search for my older sister, I’d find her passed out limp on a couch or worst by multiple men. I would at that age have to drive her home or on worst occasions take her straight to the hospital, whenever she took things too far and see me at her hospital bed crying and tired of carrying her around when it should be the opposite, she’d have this blank stare.. looking at me and she’d then laugh.. like she didn’t just lay on that bed In front of her little sister who somehow managed to carry her to the car and into the emergency room. I stayed, my father and my mother never cared, well I never told them because I was scared they would do something really really bad to her. In my country the way you look and act and your actions matter more than you as a person, and in some f*cked up way they’d rather end you than to lose their reputation. So I stayed, it hurt every time because I knew she didn’t want to get better, she was so selfish. She would harass me to take what she was taking calling me “boring” if I didn’t.. and as a dumb little 16yr who looked up to her older sister- I’d always crack and take what she was taking. I became the worst version of myself and I didn’t know how to live without using.. when I turned 20, 4 years of abuse of my own body and going to dangerous places filled with b@ttles, lines, p@t and men.. Me and her went on a trip and she managed to make this trip hell for me. She would start her days as usual, lines, drinking and sm@king and I would watch knowing that no matter what I say, she’d snap at me saying I’m “ruining her h*gh”. She would let me guide her, certain that I would take care of her even though she should be the one taking care of me.. were in a foreign country I didn’t know anyone or anything- scared that we might not make it back home. She, on the last day of the trip disappeared.. and I blew her phone begging her to answer to please just tell me where she is and that I cant face our family with her no where to be seen.. I roamed the streets of this city that I knew nothing of , asking around showing pictures and at last I found this hotel, I went in and asked if they have seen her here or passing by, they looked and pointed at a room on the ground floor. I found her. She was on a bed laying- passed out with a Cuban women, and a German man who was so scary I almost fled the scene.. I won’t say what both of these strangers did, it doesn’t matter. I at last carried her to our hotel sobbing and clenching her limp body in my arms. We never talked after that trip.. she’d recall she had “the best time of her life” and I would just stare.. I, for the first time in my life chose myself and locked myself away from her.. she’d call and beg me to come “have fun” with her, and I never did. I went through the worst withdr*wal alone, shaking and sweating feeling cold when it was so hot outside. She never cared or even checked up on me. We didn’t talk for a year and half until that day, my dad asking me where my older sister is and I, of course didn’t know since we didn’t talk anymore, I checked her room- looking for notes, a phone anything to give me a clue. I roamed the streets and called all her “friends” and finally I get an answer.. she’s in j@il. Let me remind you, in my country if a women is in jail? Her father or even mother or brother have the right to just end her, I stopped the car my hands shaking and my whole body stopped working- they’re going to do something really bad.. I didn’t have any other choice, a parental figure has to bail her out and I told my dad.. I’ve never seen this expression on his face it was as if all the life in him vanished. He was arm*d, I knew that. I was in the living room while he got ready and I was waiting, waiting for him to take his g*n and end me out of disgust. He didn’t but I still wish he did. In that moment I knew I wanted my sister gone, I didn’t care how he was going to do it but I wanted it to happen.. my dad went to do the paper work and payed but he couldn’t be the one escorting her out, so he looked at me and said “call your older brother and go get your sister” I was numb and just obeyed like a dog. My brother, our oldest, was the most distraught I’ve ever seen him, we went and got her and she was crying and hugging me begging me to comfort her, like she was some victim. I stayed stiff and got her in the car, and on our way back I was just imaging her de*th.. wishing for it, as if all the anger I have had for her finally erupted. We get home and I look at my dad, he simply just talks to her... you know what the weird thing is? I was so angry that he hasn’t done it to her yet.. I don’t know what was going on with me but I sprinted straight to his room and grabbed it and pointed it at her.. she went stiff begging me to stop and my dad put me on a choke hold and took his f*rearm and shoved me into my room.. it all happened so fast and I layed on my bed wondering what the actual f*ck is going on.. how has my life turned out this way? Why me? And why is no one as angry as I was at that moment. Days passed and my dad comes to me, asking me to take care of her.. her body is giving out on her and is going through withdr@wals.. and like the dog I was- I did.. I stayed up all night looking out for her giving her- her meds, feeding her and even giving her baths when her body was freezing. I stayed with her for 3 months taking care of her and put my own life on hold just to do so.. I never got a simple thank you from her or even an apology, all I got was her b*tching and m*aning how I screwed everything up and how she was the victim in all of this.. in that moment after three months of taking care of her, I crept into her room standing by her bed looking down on her wanting to do the worst- but nothing came out of me but a pathetic tear.. as I weeped like a little kid wishing this was all different. It’s been 3 years now since this happened, I’m better thankfully, I don’t talk to her anymore and I have distance myself from my family, I still hate my sister with everything in me. I still get comments from my family to help her but I’m so tired.. and I told them I’ve done EVERYTHING and none of you helped but they still think that I’ll be able to really help her.. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so tired.
I’m just so scared of myself, for what I was about to do.. please leave your thoughts or even opinions ty for reading.

I a 23yr F, have held immense hatred for my older sister who’s 32. I’m gonna give a brief summery on when this hatred stemmed from and started, around the age of 16 my sister introduced me to dr*gs, p0t, p*lls, alc@hol and worst of all c*ke. She- and her older friends would let me use and go out with them to places I’d like to call now- f*cking hell, in my country all that I have mentioned is severely illegal even alc@hol and p0t.. she would bring me to older men’s houses, I got gr@ped and s*xually harassed multiple times, and every time I’d search for my older sister, I’d find her passed out limp on a couch or worst by multiple men. I would at that age have to drive her home or on worst occasions take her straight to the hospital, whenever she took things too far and see me at her hospital bed crying and tired of carrying her around when it should be the opposite, she’d have this blank stare.. looking at me and she’d then laugh.. like she didn’t just lay on that bed In front of her little sister who somehow managed to carry her to the car and into the emergency room. I stayed, my father and my mother never cared, well I never told them because I was scared they would do something really really bad to her. In my country the way you look and act and your actions matter more than you as a person, and in some f*cked up way they’d rather end you than to lose their reputation. So I stayed, it hurt every time because I knew she didn’t want to get better, she was so selfish. She would harass me to take what she was taking calling me “boring” if I didn’t.. and as a dumb little 16yr who looked up to her older sister- I’d always crack and take what she was taking. I became the worst version of myself and I didn’t know how to live without using.. when I turned 20, 4 years of abuse of my own body and going to dangerous places filled with b@ttles, lines, p@t and men.. Me and her went on a trip and she managed to make this trip hell for me. She would start her days as usual, lines, drinking and sm@king and I would watch knowing that no matter what I say, she’d snap at me saying I’m “ruining her h*gh”. She would let me guide her, certain that I would take care of her even though she should be the one taking care of me.. were in a foreign country I didn’t know anyone or anything- scared that we might not make it back home. She, on the last day of the trip disappeared.. and I blew her phone begging her to answer to please just tell me where she is and that I cant face our family with her no where to be seen.. I roamed the streets of this city that I knew nothing of , asking around showing pictures and at last I found this hotel, I went in and asked if they have seen her here or passing by, they looked and pointed at a room on the ground floor. I found her. She was on a bed laying- passed out with a Cuban women, and a German man who was so scary I almost fled the scene.. I won’t say what both of these strangers did, it doesn’t matter. I at last carried her to our hotel sobbing and clenching her limp body in my arms. We never talked after that trip.. she’d recall she had “the best time of her life” and I would just stare.. I, for the first time in my life chose myself and locked myself away from her.. she’d call and beg me to come “have fun” with her, and I never did. I went through the worst withdr*wal alone, shaking and sweating feeling cold when it was so hot outside. She never cared or even checked up on me. We didn’t talk for a year and half until that day, my dad asking me where my older sister is and I, of course didn’t know since we didn’t talk anymore, I checked her room- looking for notes, a phone anything to give me a clue. I roamed the streets and called all her “friends” and finally I get an answer.. she’s in j@il. Let me remind you, in my country if a women is in jail? Her father or even mother or brother have the right to just end her, I stopped the car my hands shaking and my whole body stopped working- they’re going to do something really bad.. I didn’t have any other choice, a parental figure has to bail her out and I told my dad.. I’ve never seen this expression on his face it was as if all the life in him vanished. He was arm*d, I knew that. I was in the living room while he got ready and I was waiting, waiting for him to take his g*n and end me out of disgust. He didn’t but I still wish he did. In that moment I knew I wanted my sister gone, I didn’t care how he was going to do it but I wanted it to happen.. my dad went to do the paper work and payed but he couldn’t be the one escorting her out, so he looked at me and said “call your older brother and go get your sister” I was numb and just obeyed like a dog. My brother, our oldest, was the most distraught I’ve ever seen him, we went and got her and she was crying and hugging me begging me to comfort her, like she was some victim. I stayed stiff and got her in the car, and on our way back I was just imaging her de*th.. wishing for it, as if all the anger I have had for her finally erupted. We get home and I look at my dad, he simply just talks to her... you know what the weird thing is? I was so angry that he hasn’t done it to her yet.. I don’t know what was going on with me but I sprinted straight to his room and grabbed it and pointed it at her.. she went stiff begging me to stop and my dad put me on a choke hold and took his f*rearm and shoved me into my room.. it all happened so fast and I layed on my bed wondering what the actual f*ck is going on.. how has my life turned out this way? Why me? And why is no one as angry as I was at that moment. Days passed and my dad comes to me, asking me to take care of her.. her body is giving out on her and is going through withdr@wals.. and like the dog I was- I did.. I stayed up all night looking out for her giving her- her meds, feeding her and even giving her baths when her body was freezing. I stayed with her for 3 months taking care of her and put my own life on hold just to do so.. I never got a simple thank you from her or even an apology, all I got was her b*tching and m*aning how I screwed everything up and how she was the victim in all of this.. in that moment after three months of taking care of her, I crept into her room standing by her bed looking down on her wanting to do the worst- but nothing came out of me but a pathetic tear.. as I weeped like a little kid wishing this was all different. It’s been 3 years now since this happened, I’m better thankfully, I don’t talk to her anymore and I have distance myself from my family, I still hate my sister with everything in me. I still get comments from my family to help her but I’m so tired.. and I told them I’ve done EVERYTHING and none of you helped but they still think that I’ll be able to really help her.. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so fucking tired.
I’m just so scared of myself, for what I was about to do.. please leave your thoughts or even opinions ty for reading.