u/throwawayaccounts342

I just cried for a full twenty minutes because I was told I had to eat at a set time and not just when I felt hungry. And then it just turned into crying about everything. Every day, I put an act together and pretend I'm fine because if I'm not fine, I get told I need an attitude check. If I'm upset, I become irritable quickly and it doesn't end well. So I must keep myself put together so I can prevent myself from breaking down because at any moment it is bound to happen. But I can't keep going on pretending I'm fine, I can't keep going on with pretending I'm fine with bring called lazy because I can't bring myself to get out of bed, I can't keep pretending I'm supposed to be the friend who's always laughing and always fine, and seems to have the perfect life when I don't. I can't keep always saying I'm fine when someone asks me if I am because deep down I am dying to say no. I'm am dying to finally cry around show just how hard it's been, just how long I've been holding myself together. Deep down I want someone to care and be there for me, to genuinely care. But I can't ever bring myself to vent to my friends because it's not who I am. It's not how they see and know me and a part of me wonders, even though I know in my heart they will be there for me, that what if I'm suddenly not good enough for them? Because suddenly I'm the one breaking down, I'm the one needing comfort, I'm the one who can't keep it together anymore. And even venting to strangers doesn't help because they don't know me. They don't care, it's not their problem, and even if they did act like they cared, they'd put two seconds and no effort into just telling me it'll be ok, when it won't. It's never been ok, it's never helped me. Just made me feel worse. And I don't know what to do about it because all these thoughts in my head are so overwhelming I can't take it. So I just find ways to cope with everything, push the thoughts away, and tell myself I'm fine so many times in hopes that maybe I'll believe it. Even though I know, when I reach my limit, I'll have to try all over again. And what is the point in trying if my effort goes to waste? And I'm so lonely. I shouldn't be lonely. I have people that I can talk to. But why does it feel like I'm only there for when they have no one else to talk with? Why? Why can't I just be happy and content with my life, when others have it worse? Why can't I just pretend I'm happy or pretend I'm ok with being sad all the time, being lonely all the time, hating myself and so many other things? Is there just something wrong with me? Something wrong with my brain that tells me I cannot be happy? Am I not good enough even with my efforts, even when I try so hard? Why must I live this way, to constantly doubt and expect something to go wrong when things are too perfect to be true? Brb gonna go cry again.

I feel like every time I write, it's never enough. Never enough to grab the attention of readers, and every time I write there's always so many flaws. If I ask for feedback on writing, I should expect critique about said flaws, but it just feels like it's always about my flaws. It's always about what can be fixed, and never what is good about it. I've tried so hard to just try to keep writing, keep trying, keep improving, but how can I do that when everything I do is not enough? What can I do to just get one person to read my work and tell me they like it? But no, not a single person likes it. And yes, I should expect my work is not for everyone, but how come it seems to be for no one?

Like, I love writing. I wouldn't choose anything else. But with a creative mind comes 3 am ideas, doubt, and most importantly: writers block. I absolutely despise writers block with a loathing. It's so annoying too because everyone's like "oh do this, oh do that to get over writers block" but nothing really seems to work for me. Anyways, that's all I wanted to say

I have written and rewritten the first chapter so many times that I fear I am never going to even get past writing the first chapter. I've tried switching things up, I have tried switching how the first chapter starts entirely, I have tried just leaving it alone and trying again after a few days, and...nothing. I even wrote almost 6 thousand words yesterday and then two hours ago guess what? I did not like the way the first chapter was. I don't know what to do but I'm slowly losing hope of ever writing the first chapter, or even the book at this rate 😭 Someone pls help me 🙏

Recently I've been trying to write my first book, (what I mean by "first book" is first published book.) but it's been really hard to do so, what with everyone saying different things about how you're supposed to write the first chapter, how you're supposed to plot and plan, what makes a story actually good, etc. And then there's the whole issue I have where every time I actually go to write I just can't because I feel like my writing isn't good. So I'll leave it alone for a few days and when I finally get back to writing I only write about 15 words before I go "No, I can't. This sounds trash." so I delete the sentence. I've gotten about 20% through writing the first chapter and haven't been able to write anything else because of this issue. And I've done my research but honestly there's way too many different opinions and its just overwhelming. Soo what are some of the things you guys did when you wrote your "first" book?