u/timid_turtle_

TW: Baby's health, milk stash & wasting milk

I wasn't sure what to tag this as, but essentially this is a rant where I feel so guilty and devastated about putting my baby in danger. Essentially, I have IBS and in my 2nd trimester my ob gave the green light to take my medication (bentyl) to help with intestinal cramping. This was something I took sparingly or not at all out of fear it could hurt my baby, but after she was born and my IBS pain got worse, I *assumed* since it was safe to take when pregnant that I could continue taking it when breastfeeding without double checking first.

Well I went to the primary doctor yesterday for labs and we discussed my medication list where I was informed after their system flagged a warning that it's not recommended to take Bentyl when breastfeeding. In doing a quick search, it can impact the baby's health by causing severe breathing problems 😳

Thankfully our baby hasn't had any respiratory issues but half of my freezer is full of milk so it's a double slap in the face where I unknowingly put her in danger and now I have to purge the milk supply I had been building up. On one hand I'm glad it was caught at only 10 weeks, but I'm mad that the doctor at my postpartum appointment never asked me to confirm my medication where this could have been stopped much sooner.

So I've been NC with my dad (this time around) for almost 4 years after giving him MANY chances to change his ways; unfortunately, the older he got, the more rotten he became and NC was the only way to protect my peace. In February I was told he was on his "deathbed" and had days/weeks left to live - this was also when I was 9 months pregnant so I opted to just focus on my pregnancy and health. Fate has a cruel sense of humor because my daughter ended up being born on his birthday in early March, which has me feeling all sorts of ways, but that's not relevant.

Today I ended up getting a call and text from the social worker at the hospital that my dad's at asking if I'm open to contact with him. Visiting is out of the question since he lives several states away and we still have a very little baby to take care of, but I'm almost inclined to hear him out considering he's in such poor health and this might be one of my only chances for closure.

If I agree to it, should I write out the things I want to say to him and anticipate his responses? In the past DARVO has been his MO so at least I can prepare myself for the most painful responses and maybe be pleasantly surprised if he says something unexpected. Should I write out how I want the call to go before making the decision to help gauge if I'm emotionally able to even do this? Am I crazy for even considering a conversation?

Additional information that might be relevant is my mom is dead and after the big falling out with my dad, I've struggled a lot with SI. I'm an only child with no surviving grandparents and not super close to my aunts, uncles, or cousins so this has felt really isolating. My biggest fear is instantly forgiving and forgetting, leaving myself open to being hurt again. I suppose I also fear that he might sincerely apologize leaving me full of regret for cutting him out of my life so long and being remorseful of time lost.

Any help objectively coming up with a game plan here would be much appreciated.

I'm curious if this happens for anyone else because Google isn't helpful.

Basically, I can't feel my letdown when pumping - I just feel the suction and a small tingle sensation - but sporadically when I'm not pumping, my nipples have a significant tingly sensation akin to being manually stimulated.

This might make sense if I were moving around or doing something to trigger a letdown like looking at my baby, hearing a crying infant, or smelling her sweet little head, but it's completely at random when I'm not even moving around and the boobs are tucked away in my pumping bra. Milk doesn't appear to be leaking when this happens either so I'm at a loss.

Does anyone else get this sensation?

I'm sure my MIL isn't the worst out there, but holy crap this entitled woman gets under my skin. Neither my husband nor I have social media beyond reddit and made the decision that no photos of our baby should be posted online for her safety. As a side note, my SIL has two kids who are older and already had this battle with her, resulting in the ultimatum that no pics of the kids get posted or else she won't get any more pics of the grandkids, to which she obliged.

My best friend is still on Facebook and is friends with my MIL there (not sure why but I don't care) and let me know a few weeks ago that MIL posted a bunch of pics of our baby without telling us, including her full name and DOB. My husband didn't have the chance yet to tell her we felt the same as his sister and didn't want pics of our baby posted online, but we (I) assumed she would have the decency to at least ask first. After he spoke with her, she took down the pics and seemed to understand the dangers of posting a child online.

Flash forward to today and my friend tells me that MIL did it again. This time I'm *livid* that she was explicitly told not to do something and she did it anyway. For background, this woman has an ego the size of Jupiter and loves her online following and has several hundred "friends" and I'm so irritated she couldn't respect a simple request to not blast our child all over the internet. Her excuse? She's heavily medicated and forgot. I'm ready to go full lock down and not send this woman any more pics or videos but my husband wants to put her on a 1-month timeout where she won't get any media of our baby.