u/tobe19045

I’m new to IFS but as I slowly stepped away from some forms of abuse, I look back on all of my feelings, thoughts and behaviours and they feel alien to me. I kind of feel split right now where I have “me” and then a part that is the copy of my abusers, down to the facial expression, phrases, how I treat my loved ones. I mean “I” was literally fighting with that part over control of my face as that part wanted to smile watching someone else’s pain and it freaks me out. I’m also aware of other parts, especially a 1 year old part.

I don’t know what this is but it feels like I’m waking up from a coma where I get glitches of consciousness but otherwise I’m fully dissociated or have to share space with this part that is just like my abuser. It just feels alien and foreign to me now, like my mind and body have been programmed by abusers and I get glitches of my real self. How do I stop this?

I have been abused and harassed by my brother in law. I was thinking of going for a cease and desist to get him to safely back off and there is less risk of him lashing out at his own children, my nephews.

I don’t know how effective it is. Google said it would make it more dangerous and to go straight for the NMO. For the NMO to include the children.

But the system isn’t perfect and he’s already getting ahead and made false safeguarding allegations against me and heavily coached the children.

I feel scared.

Note: Please don’t read as this can be triggering for victims. I made this for the victims who also ended up becoming like their abusers as has been posted before. I was hoping someone had found a solution or discussed something in therapy that had helped them.

I caused them pain. I unconsciously kept on abusing them, repeating the same patterns. I would apologise. In my own time, I tried to find a solution. Solution never worked in the heat of the moment. It was like this for ten years. And only now does it feel like I’m waking up. I still have fleas of narcissism, it’s still abuse, my babies still felt pain in that moment. There’s just so much grief for my kids. If I had a button to get rid of all behaviours ten years ago, I would have been so thankful but it felt like I was failing at putting out fires and my babies got hurt.

I think my psyche has just switched it all off because I feel like puking at the thought that my babies felt alone and got hurt in those moments and by me too. They needed their mom. Just vulnerable babies.

It only feels like now I’m actually conscious and waking up to the aftermath of what I put my babies through. I can’t even call them my babies, I don’t deserve to.

I know people will think of it as an excuse but it feels like I am a robot programmed by my abusers, overloaded from past and current abuse, like a computer crashing. It feels like I was turned off. I hurt my babies. I was and am not safe. Now that I’m waking up, even that it happened once and what my babies felt in that moment is too painful.

I hurt them in my reactions. I hurt them by not protecting them against my abusers and my abusers managed to harm them too. It’s like they turned off the danger switch in me and slipped right past me. I just feel like puking…

I can’t trust social services as they’re messed up here. One social worker even attending child marriage despite the child’s multiple reports of abuse.

Now, I’ve woken up, well almost. I’m just trying to pull the plug on the fleas of narcissism and ground myself in me, reality and my babies.

I don’t want forgiveness or for them to accept my apology. I want to never harm them again. Keep them safe and away from my abusers.

I don’t really know why I’m typing this. They are my life and I hurt them over and over again. It wasn’t love, even on the good days. I was just unconsciously mirroring the same program from my childhood. It’s just sickening. Not only am I abused but then I unconsciously repeat the abuse to those I love. It’s just all… i don’t even know.

The only thing that I wish for is to go back in time and fix all those moments and wake myself up.