u/toxicfurby

hi. im kinda having a bit if a crisis at the moment. i am so tired and i dont want to explain but i know i have to so ill kind of just ramble i suppose. Apologies for any typos

ever since i was little i felt like i was sort of slowly being taken over by a kind of monster but im also the monster and i feel so bad about lying or being fake in general. when a thought of being sexual or anything like that in regards to real life people comes up i mentally imagine myself being violently harmed in my mind as a weird sort of repentance for it???? it just goes downwards and downwards and right now my mind keeps on telling me that im faking having autism and im trying to convine others around me that i have it?????? idk. im not diagnosed with autism and one of my close friends told me to look into it but i feel like a fraud and the violent imagery in my mind being replayed over and over is just too much. ive never really been able to be alone with my thoughts as they just start bouncing off the walls if my skull and despite my diagnosed adhd making it impossible for me to keep a consistant source of interest usually my mind has never ceased to do these month to year+ long tangents and its just constant. it doesn't help that im so worried about trying to get diagnosed with ocd or anything in that vein because not being diagnosed is a huge part of that dowards spiral and validating it in anyway or bringing it up with health care providers is so nerve wracking but all the things people with ocd talk about is just literally what i go through. should i bring it up with my therapist? what do i say? do i bring it up confidently like "i think i have ocd, i would like to look into testing" or more nervously/honestly because im so scared???? sorry for the wall i just feel so lost.

im mixed (white, polynesian and latino) , but even areas in my body that dont get sun like my stomach and chest are darker. my whole body turned a bit darker for some reason. i haven't had more sun exposure and its quite obvious even in summer photos from pre t. is this an effect of t?