u/trhtrhtrhrtht

My iq is around 120 however due to having a very spiked profile my numerical and memory scores are extremely low meaning I can't hold onto information well nor can I really absorb it well. Everyone thinks I'm a genius but my performance iq is extremely bad, meaning I can't learn or absorb anything really.

It means that I'm basically bottlenecked and I can never really go to college. I struggle to learn anything regardless of the difficulty.

I may as well have an iq of 70 or something, it wouldn't make much of a difference. I'm wondering if anyone else is as cursed as I am. I classify myself as low iq given I perform at a low iq level, even if on a test it says I have an iq of 120 because my brain put all its stats into a couple of things but not in the things that matter.

My family had more co dependants than narcissists and I found that these people basically used me to regulate themselves. I would "take charge" and basically act like the "bad object" (they would gossip behind my back etc) but they would also be dependent on me to make decisions and be the "dominate" one. They would get the benefits of being submissive to me while I took on the "scapegoat" role.

Once I experienced narcissistic collapse all these co dependant family members magically disappeared. I would invest into them but it wouldn't be the other way around.

While I think co dependants are more sane than us given they don't internalize the abuse as much as we did in our formative years, they do use us to keep the dynamic, in a sense they parasyte off us. Its maybe a good "deal" but its sinnister in a way.

I'm not telling people to be open about it given it could backfire, and theres always pros/cons to be honest but I have noticed that now that people know I'm a narcissist (and I'm open about it) they seem to treat me a lot better.

People who used to hate me are now friendly and people are a lot more open. I feel like most people have positive intentions so if you're honest they will appreciate it.

A lot of the pain we cause to others comes from unmet expectations. We tell them a narrative about ourselves but then act completely differently. If we are just honest then people will appreciate it and will go the extra mile.

Of course its a 2 way thing, you need to use behaviour modification too but overall its shocked me how supportive people are.

Its not like we signed up to be narcissists (to my knowledge), I became one through neglect/abuse.

Behavioural modification can only go so far and at the end of the day we are extremely broken people. So really I think we should just be honest and tell people. If we are really so bad then isn't it the end of their complaints? They can go elsewhere. Otherwise we can find common ground.

I think an issue is that we give people unrealistic expectations due to our shared fantasy, then they feel they got scammed or whatever. I think its better to just tell them the truth and they will likely be understanding and supportive especially if we explain the whole thing in detail. I think people can work with a lot and are generally more understanding than we think.

Most of us love/miss our borderlines, perhaps loving them more than anything. So the whole concept that you leave and everything is fine feels like wishful thinking. The reality is that we will miss them and be heartbroken, perhaps for decades.

If it was as simple as just leaving them then this subreddit would just be 1 line saying "just go no contact" and that would be the end of our complaints.

The reality is that we love our borderlines and our lives are not magically better without them, and yes its bad either way but lets not lie to ourselves that we moved on. They likely discarded us which would have happened whether we liked it or not.

The false self can never be fulfilled, that's what keeps it going. Dissatisfaction is its nature. So trying to fulfil the false self's desires will just make you suffer. The false self is basically like a bottomless container. No matter what you put into it or how much you put in, it is still never going to be enough. I see this all the time in the world. It's the reason why narcissists break up and get back together again, or why narcissists get divorced so often and some end up getting married several times. This is all because their choices and desires were motivated by the false self, and the false self can never be genuinely happy or at peace because that is its nature. It lives in a state of constant dissatisfaction and desire, and even when its desires are fulfilled, it's only a matter of time before it wants something else because the old thing doesn't make it happy anymore.

Any "happiness" (or more so elation) the false self experiences is always caused by something external, like money, relationships, other people's approval, and so on. As long as happiness is caused by something external, it is very fragile, and it's not even really happiness. Basically, the happiness the false self experiences is kind of like the relief you feel when you've been tensing your muscles for a while and then suddenly relax them. When the false self wants something, it is basically in a state of tension because it believes it won't be happy until it gets whatever it wants. And whatever it wants is always in the future, so it can't be in the present. Then, when it gets what it wants, it finally relaxes, but only temporarily. This sudden absence of constant tension is what it interprets as happiness.

So don't try to satisfy the false self's desires to make yourself happy because it can't be done. That will just lead to suffering.

Even when I don't feel anything I always have a sort of annoyed face and people think I'm giving them a dirty look sometimes when I'm not. I was in a store and started looking around and people thought I was being hostile but I was being neutral. I looked at someone the other day while on a walk and they got offended.

I think its to do with the fact that we can't feel positive emotions so our neutral state is sort of a discontent facial expression.

It feels like I'm in a videogame and controlling an avatar, I have 0 emotional connection with it nor do I view myself as a real person. Its no different to a movie actor or something. Its as if I don't exist.

I view other people as existing though, but with myself its more like nothing. Its like theres no timeline of my life, no emotional connections really, literally nothing.

I understand NPD can cause issues in real life so its best we study our disorder in depth to prevent it from spiralling out of control or hurting other people etc. I think thats self evident

However NPD is a valid response to immense trauma. Without it many of us wouldn't be able to function or get out of bed, many of us may have committed suicide by now. In fact many people to BPD (which is what we are underneath the NPD) commit suicide.

Many people have been helped by NPD. In fact people like us basically built the modern world. Many organizations, inventions, aide etc. rely on narcissists. If anything NPD has done a lot of good as much as its been destructive.

I think we need to stop "splitting" and viewing NPD as "all bad", and instead blame the thing that created the NPD in the first place. Some may even view NPD as the next step in evolution.

However of course, we need to manage our behaviour so we don't hurt people, but the NPD itself isn't all bad. I blame the trauma that made me a narcassit rather than the NPD which allows me to function, well at least a mask of sanity.

I believe we are aware of our actions generally, however not aware of our motivations of the actions. I think our motivations stem from dumb things given it comes from our fantasy world in our heads or whatever.

Ask yourself are you doing something for legitimate means or to gain narcissistic supply? I think this is key to preventing anger etc.

I think if we can see the root cause of our behaviour (even if we understand our behavior) we can act better and stop getting so angry when we realize our motivations aren't noble etc. or at the very least involve self interest.

For some reason I am always an early adopter to things but I never invest in it and often move on, then other people who come in a bit later reap a vastly higher benefit.

I'm wondering if anyone else is the same given I think it could be an aspergers trait