u/tunatuna_mstuna

i'm really not sure what to say but i've been really struggling and i can't tell anyone so this is my last hope.

i'm 16f and for all my life i've been thin as a stick. i'm currently 45kg. people would constantly praise me for my body and because of that i would get scared if i gained a single pound. i then got into weight loss/ed communities and i would fast for days and try all kinds of diets. this was a few months ago and i thought i was finally recovered and done with it all. just a few weeks ago i had convinced myself that i loved my body.

but of course there had to be something wrong. i looked around at my friends and other girls and saw that my chest was noticeably smaller than all of them. i've never gotten my chest measured which i find weird because even if there's nothing, isn't that a normal womanhood experience? i feel like i don't belong and that i'm missing out and different from other girls.

and it caused so much pain and insecurity. i cry everyday. i've searched for everything i could do to...idk... encourage growth? both my older sister and mother are a size D-E cup.

i wondered if it's because i'm underweight. or because of my previous diets. i'm now trying to gain weight but i don't know how to start. and i'm not sure if it will even work. but i'm forcing myself to eat more than i could.

i tried telling my mom to take me to the hospital, get my hormones and growth checked, as well as plan a healthy diet to gain a bit of weight. she said she's not taking me and i should just eat anything. she was kind of mad about it and told me i'll regret it after. and i literally started crying because i have no one to talk to about this and my mom can't even take me seriously.

i hate that i'm even saying this because where i'm from, a woman's body is considered taboo and shouldn't be talked about. it took me so much courage to talk to my mom about this, and i'm pretty sure she knows i'm not comfortable talking about my body, and yet she still dismissed me.

Lying on earth's chest
Under the trees,
rooted in the soil's crest

The earth breathing its winds through my ears
With the clouds crying droplets of tears

The bugs crawl on my weak body—
tickling my numb feet
And the ants line up, one by one, ready to have earth's feast

The grass cradles me like an infant in mother earth's warmth
With the love from her ready to set forth

I am alive now,
my life taken away
And nothing is left,
as my bones start to decay

i know this sounds super absurd but i’m a 16f and for years now i have been struggling so so much with the hijab. i would cry alone at night and i would wish i was dead instead. i’ve been wearing it for 7 years now and i wasn’t forced but i didn’t know what i was getting myself into. and my parents are so strict and set a high standard on what a hijab should be. i regret wearing it everyday. and the day i started struggling with it was the day my faith went downhill. i started missing prayers and doing things i would have never done. i literally used to pray the second i heard the adhan. and i’m honestly heartbroken at how bad of a muslim i became.

i love islam and i can’t imagine being anything but a muslim. and i don’t want to take it off as an act of rebellion or because i think islam is bad. but i genuinely cannot do this anymore. and i’ve seen so many stories of muslim women taking off their hijab and navigating their way back to it later on. and i just wish i could do the same. remove it, rebuild my faith with allah, repent for all my sins, and when the right time comes and i feel good about myself again, i’ll put it back on.

i’m contemplating posting this and i don’t even know if this is the right place to post this but i’ve worn my hijab since i was 9. i wasn’t force but i didn’t know what i was getting myself into either. i think about taking it off daily.

i was fine with it but something suddenly changed and ive been feeling insecure in it. i feel disconnected from it and it’s not making me closer to allah. i’ve been losing faith for different reasons but the hijab makes it harder for me to maintain my faith and get closer to allah. and i don’t even know why or what’s holding me back but i care way to much about it that i forget about the necessities in islam (idk if you even call it that but i hope you understood). my mental health has gotten so bad that i barely leave my house because of it. i’ve even thought about death many times because of it.

i think we all know our situation in sunni countries so i think that adds onto it. i might move to canada but i can see the discrimination and islamophobia coming in the future and that haunts me. i keep thinking about the danger i’ll be put in because of my hijab being a symbol of islam that attracts unwanted attention. and i’m not saying i don’t believe in islam, i truly want to continue practicing my religion but the hijab is pulling me back for reason i don’t even know.

i genuinely don’t know what to do and i don’t understand why there aren’t clear rulings regarding these situations. i’ve never told anyone this, even my parents. and if they knew they would disown me, if not worse. we had someone in my family take it off and all my mother did was shame her. now i imagine what she would say about her own daughter.

i’ve tried looking through past post about struggling hijabis but every single reply is either shaming or scaring the woman into the hijab or people saying “i hope you do better”.

i really hope i can get any advice without judgments.