i do. i want to eat and enjoy it. i’m hungry. it’s so horrible feeling this way. i don’t eat, im hungry, i binge, i hate myself. if i don’t eat i don’t feel well. if i eat im in pain and still don’t feel well. my body is already falling apart and im not even underweight. i hate everything. i wish i could stop caring so much. i wish eating didn’t make me want to cry from the shame and gain. it’s so unfair.
i’ve always dealt with shortness of breath headache and chest pains but lately it’s been getting a lot worse. it’s affecting my sleep. it’s hard to lay down in any position without feeling like i can’t breathe properly or having a pain in my chest. i get easily winded, always tired and even severe constipation. i have very frequent heart palpitations as well and frequent nausea. i can’t even have conversations without feeling exhausted just from saying a couple words and needing to catch my breath multiple times. i sleep basically all day because i literally cannot keep my eyes open and i thought maybe it was just the heat but idk im always tired. i wasn’t all that worried about it until i started having other symptoms too like shooting pains in my arms and legs and tightness in my chest (even pains in my chest when i eat) and headaches. i don’t know if this is ana related or just some heart problems but ive been dealing with this for a while now so i figured i wasnt dying or anything but yeah
i think i’ve finally reached my breaking point. i cried and screamed like a true guttural crying session. my throat hurts. i haven’t cried in i don’t even know how long. i was hurting myself so much. it started as pure anger, then i cried then i couldn’t stop crying or hitting/punching myself. i feel stupid and crazy even writing this. i know it’s not good to cope by self harm but it releases so much angst. my head is hurting a lot though now and my eyes are puffy. i just truly hate my life. i hate where i am. i hate that ill never get anywhere. i’m trying. take it day by day they said but i just can’t. i just want to close my eyes and never wake up. i want all this shit to be over. i’ll never be loved. i’ll never be happy. i can’t stop thinking about dying every day. i can’t stop thinking about how im wasting my life doing nothing. i can’t stop hating how bored i am. there is truly nothing worth living for. i’m tired of waiting for things to get better. i’m tired of losing my mind every fucking day. i was so numb before tonight and i don’t want to be numb but i don’t want to feel this either. it’s too overwhelming and painful. nothing is more painful than living. sleep will never fix this tiredness. i just feel like i truly can’t take it anymore. i hate myself and everything about me including my good for nothing ass life.
it looks like a cute photoshoot but it definitely seems off. mostly the candle and gingerbreads on the side standing. AI or just photoshopped?
just THINKING about where I may or may not be in 5 - 10 years has me absolutely sick and terrified. I can’t make up my mind at all nor do I ever see myself being happy whether that be alone or in a relationship. I can’t even imagine working my ass off for the rest of my life let alone the next 5 years. I hate how everything is uncertain and no matter what life probably won’t go well for me. I can’t even hold down a job for longer than a month and it’s so hard to find one once you’ve lost it. I genuinely just want to pack up and leave with no plan and no money and just disappear or just exit life
So I’m 19, 20 next week, and sometimes I think back to things my mom has done over the years. One thing it always comes back to is money. My mother is terrible with money (lowkey so am I) but when I was about 8 or so she got me a piggy bank. It was lipstick shaped and it was pretty tall meaning I could fit a lot in there. She told me she would give me any leftover money she had anytime we’d go shopping because she got tired of me asking for toys anytime we were shopping. I was like okay nice. So I would put all coins or dollars I found in my piggy bank. I remember I literally had it FULL to the top. I was SO HAPPY and my mom told me she would take me to exchange it so I could buy toys. One day I came home from school? It was literally empty. EMPTY!!
I was so mad and I was confused. Then a little bit later she comes in the house and she’s on the phone laughing with a friend while bringing in groceries. That’s where my money went. She took the money to buy groceries. My mom always made it seem like I needed to help her (?) with money and give her whatever I had even if it was a dollar. Then I’m like ??? ummm where’s my piggy bank money?? And she’s laughing like it’s soo funny that she took it from me when she already told me we would buy toys with it for me. I was so freaking sad 😭. She still does this now. She’ll give me money for myself and I would keep it for when I needed it but then she’d always ask for it back for cigarettes or something.
But a similar thing happened when I was in middle school. I had a wii, wii u and a brand new Nintendo switch that I got for christmas. I had the switch for like two days before my mom sold it. She made me feel bad and was like oh we don’t have money to eat, you don’t want us to starve right? So she called game-stop and sold my wii u and my switch and once again, I was so mad but at the time I felt like I was doing a good thing. It’s sad looking back knowing that my mom has always relied on me to just have money laying around for her to use. Even now she’s constantly dumping her money problems onto me and every other problem like I’m meant to fix her life or something. It’s exhausting. It’s been exhausting and will never STOP being exhausting.
i’ll be 20 in 2 weeks. it doesn’t feel real. i was never supposed to live this long. i feel scared. i don’t know what to do with my life even now. i have no passion. no drive. no reason to live. i feel like i wasn’t even meant to be here. it’s strange. even after my attempts im still here. and all i can think of is “for what?”. like what is even the reason. since december (honestly even before then) i have been extremely suicidal. i attempted last june but the feeling hasn’t gone away. i just feel angry that im still breathing.
also hasn’t helped that since december i feel like ive seen a lot of 19 year olds specifically, taking their lives. it almost felt like a sign. like maybe that should be me too. 19 is such an awkward age and it’s about to be over for me very soon. i simply just can’t see myself as a thriving, happy adult in any sense. i don’t like the thought of it at all and it makes me feel unwell thinking about my future and how i’ll probably have to work myself to death for the next 40 years just to have nothing to show for it. i’m so lonely. i don’t like going outside because i hate how i look and i hate that other people can see me. nobody really talks to me. not even in my own house. my own mother told me she doesn’t care about my birthday. i just don’t think id be missed by anyone and i feel so behind like maybe i shouldn’t see the end of the year. honestly didn’t even want to see jan. 1st. but here i am. for how much longer, i am not sure.
i’m not super … happy about that? she said it looks “healthy” and not boney and hollow but i don’t even think i looked like that to begin with. then she rubbed my stomach? 😭. i asked her if im getting fat or something and she just kept emphasizing on healthy. i don’t know im sure she means well and maybe i look more normal to her now but i feel like i look the same as always. it kinda just made me feel bad because i have been eating more lately and having increased appetite but now it feels like it’s showing and like im gaining lots of noticeable weight and i dont really know how that makes me feel.