u/universallyress

Hey everyone!

I’m 33F and nearly 4 years into my RA diagnosis, although looking back I’ve probably had symptoms since I was around 17.

Over the years I’ve been on Plaquenil (3 years, recently stopped), prednisone (worked amazingly, but I didn’t sleep for 5 days and became manic lol), sulfasalazine (had to stop because of liver issues), and now Cimzia for around a year. Cimzia has definitely helped, but I was still struggling, and still having flares, and unable to be active.

Along the way, particularly with prednisone, I gained around 15kg and became really uncomfortable in my body. Even with Cimzia and Plaquenil, every time I tried to exercise I’d end up with joint pain and a week-long flare.

So I asked my doctor about GLP1s, initially to help with the weight I’d gained while I continued trying to introduce low-impact exercise.

I know there’s emerging research around GLP-1s and inflammation/autoimmune disease, including RA and lupus, and obviously everyone is different, but I just wanted to share my own experience because I genuinely could cry.

After around 6 months on 0.5mg weekly, I AM WEIGHT LIFTING AGAIN WITH NO JOINT PAIN!! 😭

I’ve also lost the 15kg I gained, but honestly, being able to move my body again is the part I’m most emotional about. I’m genuinely in disbelief. I feel like I’m getting my old self back. Even Cimzia + Plaquenil together hadn’t gotten me to this point. Of course I get muscle pain but I actually love that feeling now, because it’s a constant reminder that there’s no bone pain.

I still get minor flares and aches here and there, but they’re usually not even significant enough for me to take ibuprofen, and importantly, exercise doesn’t seem to be triggering them anymore.

It’s winter where I am at the moment, so I’m really curious to see what happens when we get back into the extreme heat and humidity of summer, which has historically been my absolute worst weather for flares. But gosh, I’m hopeful.

I just wanted to share a positive experience because before starting semaglutide I was really sceptical and a little worried.

Has anyone else with RA had a similar experience on a GLP-1? Or is anyone considering trying it? I’d love to hear your experiences!

After 11 years, I was drastically discarded before our wedding, my partner had a mental breakdown and fled in an absolute panic.

Something that’s been really hard that I suppose short term discards don’t get to hear about is the absolute horrible trauma of life admin after a discard

It has been weeks of me on the phone to banks, mortgage brokers, real estate agents, government agencies, health insurance, medical centres, vets, etc, to split all of our policies, assets, joint files and payments.

And of course, as he is an avoidant, 95% of this lands on me whilst I’m trying to grieve and repair my nervous system too.

With every phone call, with every file update, it is evidence of the life we built together being recklessly thrown away. It feels like he was a child building a block tower, and suddenly turned around and crashed it all down. And piece by piece I am making the calls while he distracts himself with pacifiers, claiming he’s too busy and it hurts too much to face - even crying!

Sigh. Nothing to really say - just getting it out!

Also edit to add: ask me anything to protect yourselves from this!

Hey everyone… I’ve been reading posts here and really
wanted to share my story to share how strongly avoidant attachment can truly manifest, even in very long term relationships. And to receive any support and any advice. I feel my situation is a bit unique in some ways, and probably very insightful for some in short-term discards.

My fiancé and I were together for 11 years. I am a quite securely attached person (have been quite traumatised as a young person and done a lot of therapy in my 20s). I also work in family trauma in early childhood as well, and have a degree in this, so have understood trauma and attachment for a long time.

He himself had an extremely chaotic childhood (and his issues with family persist to this day). To add to that, he is extremely high achieving as a form of identity seeking and validation, and his distraction drugs of choice are work and sports.

We had a very emotionally close relationship (first 5-8 years) and at the start of his career, and actually spoke a lot about his childhood, identified patterns, and his strong fear of commitment. When he proposed a few years ago, he cried and said he had a moment of clarity and that this was he wanted, even though he was terrified, and he felt really good about it for about 6 months, until the fears settled in again (though at this point — he didn’t tell me — he only told me this recently). I was also a lot younger and earlier in my career so I didn’t realise how deep his attachment issues ran.

The same year that our wedding was planned (this year) he also levelled up highly in his career, which is something we’ve worked on for a decade. I don’t want to share further info due to privacy however his liabilities, work load, and also physical time at work, increased by about 150%, and he was mentally and emotionally not coping (though pretended he was, even when I’d ask, but I could see the physical exhaustion in him at the very least).

The wedding was the tipping point. The day before, he went into an absolute state of panic, fetal position on the floor, crying and rocking and screaming to himself that he couldn’t do it. I remained calm and tried to talk to him, but everything I said he took as a manipulation to trap him into the marriage, screaming at me “stop trying to trick me”, so he ran down the stairs balling his eyes out and took refuge at a family members house, and in that very moment decided the entire relationship was over. He has not really come home since, not even taken his clothes or anything, and slept on air bed for 9 weeks (this is a repeated trauma pattern from his childhood, something we used to joke about bc he says air mattresses bring him comfort).

Now — there wasn’t infidelity, abuse, or a lack of love to be identified at any point during the relationship, but since the breakdown (3 months ago) it’s like I’m dealing with 2 sides of him. It’s the classic Jekyll and Hide.

We had built a life together, had shared finances for years, a home, were trying for a baby and doing fertility surgeries for me last year, took lots of weekend breaks and fun times, had so many future plans, and genuinely loved each other. He would bring me flowers, constantly compliment my appearance, come for cuddles if I was at home, etc.

Three days after the breakdown, he returned, said that maybe he made a mistake and we should just get married, and I said no because what the fuck (?!). He now claims he has no memory of saying that, and is adamant he doesn’t want to be in contact at all, to which I told him we cannot cut contact until we sort out settlement and I move from the house - our bank accounts are still joint!

The first month after discard was absolutely horrendous, and he slept with someone randomly which I found out after checking his phone, because I’ve always had his passcode. He cried like crazy that night and didn’t sleep literally at all, hanging on to me and apologising. When I asked him why, he said he wanted to come home but felt he couldn’t — he now also claims no memory of saying this. He literally went to work the next day on no sleep and after hysterically crying for 8hours.

Now the situation is a little touch and go. He avoids me most of the time and claims leaving was the right choice, but when he does see me, he cries or touches/hugs me. I had him here the other weekend to help pack up our house, and he refused to allow me to pack, and he cried silent on the couch instead, saying “I didn’t mean any of it.” When I ask him with direct communication what he means by that, he does not answer. So I tried to pack myself, and he stopped me, and just hugged me.

He has found a psychologist that he will book in to see, and appears adamant to move on, asking questions like “in a few months if I’m open to talking to others, how would you feel?” To which I replied, “I don’t know because I don’t know where I will even be in a few months?”. To which the next morning he texts me that he misses me a lot. Also, that same day he was holding me and kissing me and apologising for a fight we had.

I don’t hear from him for the entire day sometimes and his excuse is always “I’m tired” “I’m busy” and expects everyone to respect this and have pity on him for a schedule he expertly created to avoid any responsibility. Meanwhile, I can see him visiting bars and betting on sports on (joint account), so he clearly isn’t that tired. I am waiting for him to settle our finances as he needs to contact the bank re: the house, which he is also avoiding.

I should hopefully be moving out of our place in the next two weeks, and I have dramatically cut contact with him as I’m slowly giving up, however don’t want to enable him to avoid the life admin of finances, moving, etc.

I’m devastated, confused, and honestly questioning my sanity at times.

Even after all of this mess, I don’t hate him. I have anger and extreme heartbreak for the situation, however having known him so well, and being integrated into his family, I also understand what he is going through. However, the traumas of betrayal that he has now given me has turned me into an anxious mess — I have PTSD symptoms, nightmares all night, flashbacks, have lost 11kgs in 3 months due to inability to eat, and am dealing with it alone in our empty house while he hides away at his family’s house, drowning in friends and probably messaging girls to ease the pain. He does apologise a lot to me, and when he looks after the dog here, says it’s really hard to be in the house without me, but then makes no actual effort to help me through this transition. When he’s calm he says he’s learned so much from me - and that literally infuriates me.

Anyway. I need to remember to keep my feet securely on the ground as I don’t want to lose all of the work I have done on myself mentally, so I try to stand firm with him and keep communication direct (whilst also kind) and also supportive, and he will always encourage me “talk to me, share with me”, but often he will punish me for this afterwards, saying it’s too much pressure or too much criticism (e.g me asking if he’s created any boundaries with work to support himself during the week — if that’s criticism then I’m literally stumped.) We had a screaming fight on the weekend when we were meant to be packing (which is very rare for us) and he left, but then turned around and came back to apologise, claiming not to want to be disrespectful. I am going insane — just sort out the money and let me go if that’s what you truly want? I am now going ahead and just packing the house on my own. I feel disgusting, like facing his pain isn’t even worth it to help me through the mess he created of his own life — he just want me to deal with it and disappear in a puff of smoke or something.

For those of you who identify as avoidant—or who have been through a similar breakup:

— what the fuck? Any advice or insight??????
— what does he likely need from me right now (not to “get him back” but genuinely to support him? Unfortunately he was raised in a very low socioeconomic area and was therefore his family and friends are not safe places for him until he sees the psychologist).
— as an avoidant would you ever process this loss? Or just bury it forever? What would this look like?
— what was going through your mind after ending a long-term relationship that you clearly seem to be struggling with ending?

I know every situation is different. I think I’m just trying to understand from the FA perspective and feel a little less alone. Thank you if you’ve read this far — and the very least I hope you’ve enjoyed the tea hahah.

Random question but any reviews on the Orthokinetic Aspen mattress from Amart? It’s supposedly their “luxury” range and I paid $2000 on heavy sale.

Stupidly I only looked it up after purchase, and online reviews are freaking shocking, people hate these things, claiming they sag badly and get lumpy. But these reviews are on different ranges and are like 5-6 years old, so I’m interested to see if there’s any recent reviews?

Please help hahah — I only have a few hours before I can cancel for full refund.