I (19F) am in love with a friend (19M) who I've rejected several times before
This sucks. For context:
When we were 15 (going to the same school) he liked me so I gave him a shot but it didn't work out, I cut it off before it could get any further and we didn't talk for over a year later.
Then at 17 he tried to kiss me again at a party but I said no (probably bc i hadnt drunk yet lmao), we countinued being friends normally and it'd been great, until the following year we got drunk and made out. PRIOR TO THE MAKE OUT i had asked him not to say anything because i wanted to get my feelings straight, as to not hurt either of us... but he did, I found out he told all his friends (who were also mine), I'm pretty sure he told the whole city, so I got really mad at him.
The thing is that, we never talked about it, I didn't tell him I found out bc my bday was coming up and I thought it'd be awkward bc they all were invited. So I barely gave him the time of day for the following weeks... Then we're friends again!
It's been over a year now. We play games together almost everynight when I'm not busy studying, I don't talk to who used to be our common friends anymore, and he still makes time to play with me instead of them. He's the only guy I can have serious conversations with.
I know we've both matured, and I know he probably won't show any interest after all the times I cut him off lmao so I have to step up and ask him out myself.
I have a constant heavy feeling on my chest that I'm afraid I had him feeling all these years and it was so unfair of me, but we were young and I think it just wasn't the right time for me.
Any advice? We haven't really seen each other in months because we only voicecall and our friendgroups don't talk to each other anymore so we don't have an excuse to hang out.