My(28M) wife(25F) was in constant contact with her ex all throughout the courtship period, even 1 week before the marriage. And I'm devastated by it. Am i overreacting?
Chatgpt TLDR -
Met my wife through an arranged marriage setup. During our courtship, I believed we were exclusively choosing each other, but after marriage I discovered she was secretly in constant contact with her ex—meeting him the day after our roka, talking to him for hours late at night (even a week before the wedding), telling friends she loved him more than me just days before our marriage. She lied repeatedly, minimized their relationship, gaslit me, and only admitted things when confronted with evidence. She even invited the other ex to our wedding despite me expressing discomfort. She now says she loves me, was just stressed and confused, and begs me to move on, but the repeated lies and deception have shattered my trust. I still love her, but I feel betrayed, emotionally numb, and don't know if I can ever trust her again.
Edit- we've only been married 4 months
My wife and I met through an AM agency and hit it off really really well. We both lived in different cities. She introverted but opened up quickly and things were good, we even had things in common so there was no question of incompatibility.
After to and fro texting we decided to meet in person, i stayed in her city for 3 nights and met each other for each meal, her parents even invited me home for lunch one day. (We used to meet at cafes and restaurants). She was into me, so was I, and we conveyed the same to our parents.
Things move forward and to Roka-fy and her parents visit my city, came to our house to meet my family in person, and on the 2nd day mutually decided to Roka-fy (a ceremony where we commit ourselves to marry each other) us.
On the third day, (next day after roka ceremony), she went out to see a friend, a male friend, whom she apparently hadn't met in 6 months.
I obviously didn't mind, because it's not my business, and place to stop her from meeting a friend.
By then, she had told me she had been in a relationship, for 8 months with U. things didn't work out so they chose to remain friends, fair enough. He used to come over to her house, meet the family, eat out. It didn't bother me.
But when the wedding day came close, i find out that the ex U is coming, i was furious and felt humiliated that she would not keep the wedding clean, i spoke to her, voiced out my concerns, (didn't shout or yell) and let her know how i felt. Her first reaction was "who?? Him?? Noooo ewwwwww " and went on to explain how he was nothing more than a friend, she was not physically or emotionally involved with him.
Her past is her past, her being physically involved with another man was never an issue, she didn't minimize my concerns, and calmly explained that their relationship was just a situationship where nothing ever happened. I ate it, and yes he came to the wedding.
He met each other in approx 20 days, i used to visit for 3-4 days, and as we grew closer, i used to visit her without our parents knowing, we got physical, we had sex each time i visited..
Things roll by, we get married, things are amazing with her. One evening when drunk she tells me about another ex, he was the serious one, dated 1.5 years. She began telling me about him, with "i want to tell you something, but i don't know if i should or shouldn't, should i tell you??". I brushed it aside, again her past is her past.
One evening she asks me to block a number on her phone, i see 3 numbers blocked. He is one of them.
Another day a creep keeps harrassing her all day, she can't block him through Truecaller because he's maybe using modded app that doesn't let others block you. I block the creep's number on her phone app. And Lo and behold, her ex is unblocked.
My mind starts spiralling, it feels off. I never had any reason to think she'd try to contact her ex, i never had any reason to check her phone( we both had each other's fingerprints saved on each other's phones).
At first i search his name, whatsapp chat is empty. I scroll a little and find his name highlighted in other people's texts.
What i found-
He is the guy she met the day after our roka. When she first told me about her evening, she was soo happy spending time with him, the ate at the food court, went bowling, played games at the arcade.
She confessed to her friend, that she loved her ex more than me, she compared us, and how much better he made her feel. This is 4 days before the marriage. Her Friend replies, "poor guy, he's spending so much in his wedding and you still think about your ex more than him"
U, repeatedly advised her not to speak to him, someone said she's emotionally cheating on me, but she brushes it off by saying "bitch please we used to date"
This one reply triggers me, she lied to me about her past with him, but in the chats minimizes the cheating allegations and says the above. She dated him, but downplayed by issues about him coming to the wedding.
Her girl BFFs knew about the serious bf and everyone told her to cut ties with him but she didn't want to.
She tells U, that one night they were on the phone for 3 hours.
She tells her friends that despite a big nasty fight, she yearns to hear his voice, "accha lagta hain usse baat karna"
All this is 2 months before the wedding. This is just a brief jist of what i found out.
I told me brother about everything i knew, we confronted her and she broke down, sobbing. Telling me how much she loved me and how much i matter to her in her life, and all the cliched lines.
My brother wanted to speak to her ex bf because at that time we wanted to know what was going on, and if she was having an affair. She refused to give us his number, i went out for a walk to clear my head, 15 mins had passed only then does she send it to me. My brother was sure that she had spoken to him first. The bf was super calm, composed and very prepared.
He lied, he lied through his teeth and corroborated my wife's story. How do i know he lied, because his story didn't match what i knew through the chats.
I checked her phone logs through airtel, she was talking to him for hours, even a week before the wedding, late night calls. 10pm was the cutoff time for me, she was unavailable to me after 10 because she would go to sleep. She would speak to him allll night long. I find this through the call logs.
Her WhatsApp chats are deleted. Foolish girl didn't know she had to delete her Google pics and phone storage proofs too. They were active on Snapchat too.
I confronted her, she lied and minimized, i confront her with proof, she admits that piece but denies the rest, i figure she's lying again, confront her with evidence, she then admits that piece of evidence and the cycle repeats.
This never ending cycle of lying and admitting is driving me insane...
She gave me 2 different versions of why she was speaking to him for 3hrs.
She has deleted WhatsApp call logs after i saw them, which confirm the nasty fight story on the chats and then tried to gaslight me into believing that i didn't see them.
Her justification for keeping in touch with him was that she was stressed about money, family responsibilities, her quitting her old job and finding a new one, our marriage compatibility, she feared our marriage would turn toxic like her parents.
I buy that, i understand that. But i can't get out of this trip. The blatant dishonesty, gaslighting, contant lying has driven me mad.
I grieve the happy courtship period that i perceived in my mind, i thought my courtship period was both of us choosing each other, exclusivity, emotionally investing in each other, honesty.
I've grown emotionally numb, one minute I'm with her, happy, Joyous. Then my mind flips and i remember everything and i freeze her out.
I don't think i can trust her again.
She tries her best to get me to talk to her when I'm silent, but i just can't look past her actions. I can't bear to look at her face when I'm flipped. I don't yell or shout, i just stop talking to anyone and everyone.
I love my wife, but i don't know how to take things forward, I'm confused and feel betrayed. I realise this hot and cold behaviour is also taking a toll on her mental health, but I'm in the bad thoughts zone, i can't utter a word out of my mouth.