Mourning the Person I Once Was
I miss the person I was before the traumatic incident. I've always struggled with depression and a bit of anxiety, but never to this degree. I used to be extroverted and outspoken. I was confident and confrontational (not that being combative is a good thing- my point is that I wasn't one to back down when faced with a bully). It's been 4 years since the incident and my anxiety is worse than it has ever been. I'm afraid of the dark, loud noises, and horror films. Things that previously made me a bit nervous now cause me to be visibly shaken..
The physical symptoms are the worst part. Before the incident, and the subsequent PTSD diagnosis, I could experience a typical amount of nervousness during a high stress situation and no one would notice, but now it's extremely apparent. I'll be drenched in sweat, shaking, panting.. my heart races and feels like it's about to beat out of my chest. I'm finally back in therapy and I have an upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist so that I can get back on buspar or whatever else. I'm just really mourning the lively, confident person I once was. I still stand up for myself and speak up but I do so at the risk of being laughed at because of how visible my physical anxiety symptoms are 😞
Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I've been sitting here for an hour, taking deep breaths and calming myself down because of how bad my anxiety got simply because I had to walk to the garage at night. Now that I'm finally getting back to normal I'm just crying and reminiscing on my old life and personality. I'm devastated