u/vvivvi0902

In my early teenage years I prohibited myself to feel anything except disgust and anger towards him. It just happened involuntary.

But now that I’m 19, I’m starting to have so many feelings I never had before. Despite all emotional and sexual abuse since early age that lasted up until 17, I realized I miss him. I perhaps even still love my dad?

I feel so much shame about it. But recently I just can’t help but think of all father-daughter moments we had. In my head I always daydream and pretend that he never did anything bad.

It feels so painful for some reason to admit that I miss the good part of my dad. Just the normal stuff we had as a family in the midst of chaotic dysfunctional family dynamics.

I realized that as a defense reaction I hid all my positive feelings about him. I can never admit that I admire him for some traits, that I’m grateful to him for all the things he provided.

I can’t ever say that to him, or to anyone else I know. I’m just trapped between the anger, hatred and some weird nostalgia and simple kid longing for a parent. I’m scared and repulsed of his touch, but I want him to hug me more than anything else. All at the same time.

And the fact that recently for a quick second I thought about pretending he never hurt me and just start talking to him again.. I’m really pathetic

It feels like the abuse from him erased all my childhood, erased my right to have a dad like everyone else. And I’m realizing nothing is ever going to change that.

Tw: abuse, CSA
Long and crazy read 🫡

A bit of context: Father was an alcoholic, a figure with power and money, who psychologically abused me, mom and my siblings and groomed me.

All my life I was sure my mom was an equal victim and always was a mommy’s girl. She was a perfect woman in my eyes, who just was a huge victim of circumstance. I think my pink glasses broke 🫠

In the period of 10-12 years I was groomed by father. I told her only a year later cuz I didn’t want to harm the fam. Her reaction was to make him apologize, it was a whole dramatic scene where he was crying and saying I have a right kill him for this. And that’s all… everyone pretended it never happened.

During these years, there were just micro weird acts (he would slap my butt casually, had to like kiss him on a cheek as a goodnight) and when brought up, mom said it’s just in unserious joking way.
When he was drunk, he would threaten to hang us all, or kill with a hammer, once locked mom and himself in a room and was loudly stating how he will smash her head against the floor while me and sister were listening under the door to make sure she is alive. And MANY other crazy stuff.

I understand she couldn’t do anything because we all were financially dependent on him and he was very like powerful.

Then we moved to another country and he stayed. Happiest years of my life. My sister and me were telling mom to find a job, start a business so we could finally separate (she had lots of money from him, had a house to her name). But she never did. Maybe because she was afraid he would seek revenge

He moved in with us again… Another SA happened when I was 17. No reaction again. She didn’t even reply to my words, just ignored.

Now I’m 19. My fam lives in different country than dad. Recently, they went to visit him. I didn’t want to go at all, but my siblings asked so I can mediate the conflicts in case.

And during this trip, something switched in me.

I started getting so irritated by mom: every her joke, infantile behavior. The way she was oversharing how she doesn’t want to sleep with dad (like it’s so crazy they are like being a couple after what he did to me). And the other times me and sister tried to make ways for her to not sleep with him, we ended up being told off and to not be stupid. But I was always so scared for her having to sleep with him, and she just complained and in front of him switched completely.

My grandma (her mom) always told us a narrative “Your mom gets so tired, she puts up with your dad’s shit, she has so much to do, you’re ungrateful and don’t help her”.

But damn, I JUST realized 1) she doesn’t work and doesn’t wanna 2)it’s her choice as an ADULT to live with him for 20 years. Siblings and I told her openly, we all are ready to live without universities, without a good income and we would support her if she decides to leave

And then I realized, that she made a bigger deal out of the fact he cheated on her than that he SA’d her child… like she hit him, broke dishes etc… But my situation was just forgotten

I feel so much resentment, but also guilt and confusion… Because all my perception of the whole situation changed… I can’t stop seeing her as a little girl who also was groomed as a child. And I feel like I’m betraying her for feeling so mad at her.

Backstory: I'm 19 and I decided to go to my first ever solo trip.

Earlier this summer all family went to a trip together, I payed for 80% of all my expenses myself to not burden my parents.

And since we still had 2 weeks of visa left, i decided to go to my dream city I never visited.

Me and my sister are really-really close, however we are very different and we bicker a lot.

So I shared idea with her and mom, and they said that I’m crazy and it’s dangerous to travel alone, sister said that living in a hostel is stupid decision and that it’s very unhygienic and that of anything happens with me it’s on me and will teach me a lesson etc.

During my past trips with my friends, she made a lot of comments that I’m stupid and irresponsible (because on my first visit of a big city when I used metro for the first time, i took the wrong train from airport and my phone died, but I found a way to hotel safely). And that I’m a very messy person (I am messy, but it’s not something too horrid). When our parents said that when we go to uni, they will rent us a room, she said she doesn’t want to live with me, but alone.

So in my impression, our style of travel is very different and she doesn’t like living with me. So I just book trip for myself with my own money and DON’T invite her to join. This city tho I know she loves and wants to visit.

When I booked everything, my mom and grandma started saying “why is sister not going with you?”, “You didn’t offer it to her?”, “why wouldn’t you go together?”

And I started to feel so GUILTY… Today my mom asked this again in front of my sister. And by her reaction I realized that it did hurt her, even though she is a really independent person.

I said that I wouldn’t even think she will want to go with me and live in a hostel, but I’m not against and even happy if she joins.
My mom said that since sister doesn’t want to live in a hostel, she could pay for our hotel room. But I don’t want anyone to pay for MY trip, because we don’t have a good financial situation and I wouldn’t enjoy and just feel guilty.

And then we had an argument: sister said that I want to go alone without her and all other things are excuses, and it’s “okay” if I want to go alone, but all in a offended tone(
And after that we didn’t talk normally and she gives a bit of a cold treatment to me.

I feel like I betrayed her and I’m so so scared that she will never want to go to any other trip in the future with me ((