Feeling like this. Im a coward and a loser and im inherently dislikeable. I wish a woman would at the very least mistreat me just to get some attention/care and feel chosen. Sigh.
Hi, so my whole life, I've been pretty quiet and kept to myself, so i didn't need to bother anyone. I would let out my frustrations with SH or shutting myself in my room. This past month has been downright terrible, and now my cat has passed away three weeks after my dog did, and i just feel like I'm spiriling with anger and denial. I hate talking about my feelings a ridiculous amount because i hate pity, and i hate it when things aren't the way they're supposed to be. My parents have been helping me a lot, bringing me meals to bed and helping me out, but each time they try to get me out of bed i feel an irrational amount of rage and I have even used force to get my mom off me (slapping and swatting my hands). I dont know what to do. It feels uncontrollable, and I don't want anyone thinking I'm cruel. I genuinely just can't control this.
Also, does anyone else deal with sudden religious beliefs? I'm an atheist, have been for my whole life, but whenever I reach this kind of bottom, I just start looking for answers in a stronger force. I guess I usually try to rationalize everything and find what the cause is to what happens to me, but when there isn't... I start believing that maybe this is divine punishment or a mystical sign... idk.
Ive been told multiple times "if you cant do X, then youll never be able to do Y" as a way to shame me into doing stuff or as if hearing that will just make a light turn on in my brain and be like oh yeah time to lock in silly me
People around me often tell me im free to speak my mind but i know im not. I think most people have a limit for how much shit they can take and if i express even the most simple task (like going PISSING) is a chore then theyre just gonna either call me an attention seeker or stop caring.
I used to be very capable as a child but as i grew older i began sticking out like a sore thumb. Im not an idiot but i just lost my ability to care about the things im supposed to care for which keeps me falling behind.
I cant explain to anyone how i just CANT do anything anymore and i cant even bring myself to cry so at least i can make them pity me or give them a headache lol
Is this relatable for any of yall
I get attached so ridiculously quickly to anyone who gives me an ounce of attention. I want to have an actual friend who I feel actually comfortable with but nothing ever lasts with me,, idkidkidk
I don't have much to give the world except fanfiction
I follow an artist who is pretty open with her struggle with OCD in her work. I find hee quite relatable, although ive never been diagnosed. In one of her illustrations she talked about wanting to end her life even if she was having a great day at the moment. And now i wonder... is that not normal? I can be having an average day or maybe even a good one and i the thought of "i still have to kill myself someday" lingers. This has been going on FOREVER, probably since I'm 13.
I don't know if i should concern myself with this but most of my mental health struggles seem to come over obssesive and compulsive behavior (like self harm even when i dont want to). These observations have been made by a psychiatrists!
Most of the advice i get from my parents is "just dont think about this stuff anymore" or im told "i do it on purpose because i like being ill" but i dont know who would ever want to feel like this. Lately im not sure if i feel like this or if the way i think has been twisted/manipulated by external sources.
Sorry if this is kind of word vomit i just want some advice