u/wanjathestrong

Hat Magdeburg sowas?

Ich kann mich nicht erinnern jemals im Schlaf geniest zu haben oder es mal bei Leuten mitbekommen zu haben, bei denen ich übernachtet habe. Gut, nun ist mein Erinnerungsvermögen nicht das Beste, aber ist sowas überhaupt möglich? Niesen wirkt auch wie so ein Prozess, bei dem man nicht einfach weiterschläft, wenn es denn mal passiert. Aber an sich sollte man doch im Schlaf niesen können, so rein evolutionstechnisch wäre es schon eher mal sinnvoll, oder? Das ist ja eine Funktion, die einem durchaus mal das Leben retten kann. Bin ich einfach gebumst wenn meine Atemwege im Schlaf irgendwie gereizt werden oder ist es doch möglich im Schlaf zu niesen?

Basically what the title says.

I'm sick of being told "I'm not mad at you for being autistic. I'm mad at your lack of empathy, your black and white thinking, your meltdowns, how you never get any social cues and your inappropriate responses to my emotions. Please work on that in therapy, it's frustrating to deal with all that."

It feels like working towards completely getting rid of those autistic traits is implied here. I could be wrong though. At this point I have zero trust in my own perception of things anymore. My self-esteem is very low these days and I feel like I'm getting worse and worse.

Explaining that while I can work on improving my attitude and how I deal with them is possible, I will never fully lose those traits and being expected to makes everything so much worse doesn't work. My feelings and thoughts are ignored and overlooked.

How to cope?

22M (AuDHD) here. I just need to vent to someone who might understand me. If any advice is there for me, I'd really appreciate it. Also please ask questions and maybe start a conversation with me, I think that could help as well.

The relationship with my girlfriend 28F (definetly neurodivergent and probably also on the spectrum, but not diagnosed with anything) is rocky to say the least and I could use a bit of perspective from others.

Over the course of our relationship, I tried to educate her on my needs. I told her that I'm deeeeep in burnout and that tasks that may seem small quickly feel overwhelming to me. I told her that burnout isn't fixed by just taking a few days off and that barely anything helps me relax anymore. I explained what masking is and that it drains me even more. I told her about my self-esteem issues about being autistic. I constantly feel on edge and my day-to-day life is just barely tolerable.

Many of my autistic traits impact her negatively. Mainly my non-existent empathy and inability to appropriately react to her negative emotions, but also rejection-sensitivity-dysphoria and emotional outbursts/meltdowns. Now I don't blame her for that part in and of itself. She's got a lot on her plate and her needs should not be ignored just because I can't help being this way.

But she can get so mean about it. I feel like she dismisses my needs completely. She still has very high expectations of me and treats me as if I was allistic or as if I could just "try a little harder" and not be autistic anymore. Rules she sets dont seem to apply to her. When I break them, she explodes, but when she breaks them and I bring it up, she dismisses me, starts talking about how bad she feels and what's stressing her out and points the finger back at me for the shit I do wrong.

We had a very ugly fight this morning. What hurt me the most was that she told me that I'm a burden to her because she has to calm me down so much (I've been crying a lot lately), despite her reassuring me that I'm not and that she enjoys comforting me. Turns out that was a lie. My trust in her has taken a big hit because of it.

Worst part is, I think she's right and it's all my fault that the relationship is rocky. Fights escalate because of me, no matter how much I try to non-violently and constructive I express my needs. I'm working hard to show more empathy, but its never enough. I keep thinking it's all my fault and that I will lose her.

I dont wanna act live I'm 100% the victim either. I have done horrible things to her. I have abandoned her at a hotel in a city she doesnt know after another particularly bad fight, because I felt like I had to run away from her for good. I texted a friend to come and get me, packed my backpack and left while she was sleeping. This traumatized her and has lead to a deep fear of abandonment. She was already struggling with it before, but I made it even worse.

[CW: blood, DV, skip paragraph if needed] >!Just this morning I broke and ripped off her nail. She told me to leave her apartment and I wanted to pack my bags. I was already very angry at that point. I thought she was still charging her phone with my charger. I wanted to grab it and take it with me, but turns out she wasn't charging her phone and I had grabbed her long fingernail instead. Half of the nail bed is now torn off and she was hurting and bleeding very badly because of it. All because I wasn't in control of myself and didn't look at what I was holding. She kicked me out, understandably. I waited maybe 1-2 hours until the pharmacy opened and bought her some dressing material for her wound, which she accepted. It was the least I could do.!< Still, I regret everything so much and honestly deserve the backlash she gives me for it. I was >!physically violent towards a woman!<, something that goes against one of my deepest values. There is zero excuse. I became a piece of shit far beyond redemption today and 100% deserve to lose her for that. Yes she hurt me, but she would never deserve that.

Now I don't know what to do. Is it really too much to ask that your partner keeps your autistic traits in mind? Was that out of line and is it making my girlfriends behavior towards me worse? Is it too much to ask for some respect and consideration? I believe that if you date an autistic person, you should not try to bend and break them into acting allistic. You shouldn't even expect them to just lose autistic traits, even if they are objectively bad traits.

I don't want to lose her. I love her so much despite everything and I know she loves me.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just so exhausted and I feel unable to ever be loved unconditionally.

I think yesterday we had the conversation. The one where I don't think it possible for me to stay much longer if things dont change *immediately*.

About us. My girlfriend (27F) and I (22M) have been in a relationship for almost a year now. Please spare me the comments about the age gap. I've heard it all before. I thought I was mature enough and thought we could be at eye level, because she always said she wanted us to be. Telling me I was wrong just adds more shame.

Our mental health is as follows: She is in therapy and has history with an abusive relationship herself. There might be some unknown neurodivergency going on, possibly autism or ADHD, but we dont know, because she has never been diagnosed with either.

I am not in therapy and diagnosed with autism, moderate depressive episodes and ADHD. This leads to problems, because I have a hard time reading social cues, my brain often cant keep up with what she needs and the urge to explain my behavior and why I did certain things the way I did them is so much stronger, but it only reads as excuses to her. Autism is basically a constantly alarmed nervous system to put it very very simply.

It started out long distance, around 500-600km apart. The first 6 months have been literally flawless. Not a single fight and we communicated perfectly. We were so perfect for each other. I don't know where exactly things went wrong. Its all so messy and I struggle to remember conflicts, because for some dumb reason, my brain always shuts off and "people-pleaser mode" switches on, out of fear of losing her.

Basically I feel like her servant in our relationship. She's always been asking me to do little things for her, like grabbing stuff from other rooms for her, do chores around the house and such. I was initially fine with doing all those things, because I liked being useful to her. I liked helping her.

Now its morphed into me constantly prioritizing her needs and the peace in the relationship. The other day I realized that I can only prioritize myself, if it doesnt risk the peace. I told her this. Asked her to think about it. She promised to do that. Nothing has changed so far. There are many needs I have. I dont want to fetch things for her all the time. I dont want to be asked to do things that require a lot of energy for me when I'm actually sick in bed. I want to be able to talk about my feelings, without just getting a shrug and a "Have you thought about how I feel and what I have to go through every day?" in response. I don't want to be yelled at, no matter how mad she is at me. I think having those needs met isn't too much to ask for in a healthy relationship.

Yesterday I finally tried standing up for myself a little. Told her if she expects me to change so much about myself, I can at least expect her to be a little bit more patient with me. That's all I need. Patience and realistic expectations. She took it horribly. Said that she goes through so much already, has to battle her own emotions constantly and that I should think about all the good things she does for me. She is treating me like a child because I'm three years old mentally, her words. At the same time, she says she doesnt want to "mother" me. Which is fair, I think men who expect their partner to mother them are literal scum.

Somewhere in the evening she said that I should pack my shit and sleep somewhere else because I told her how disappointed I am and that I called her behavior towards me emotional abuse. Mind you, I'm 500km from home and have no friends in this city yet. Closest is my dad who lives 125km away. But it was half an hour before midnight, I was exhausted from crying all day and was scared that if I leave I could never return. Begged her to stay. She agreed, but said there will be "consequences". Whatever that means.

Then I asked if I have any value to her. If she is happy with the way things are. If she cares about me being happy. She said she doesn't care right now, said "You turned out just the way I wanted you to." and gave me the ultimatum. She said she cannot provide a healthy relationship because she herself is sick. She cant work on her behavior, because she has so much on her plate already. The ultimatum is: I can take her as she is, know my place and stop whining about how awful I feel all the time or I leave the relationship.

The thing is, I cannot possible leave her. I know things are bad, but I would destroy everything I worked for. I quit my appenticeship in my home in order to move to her city. She helped me see that I want more for myself in life than sitting at a desk and stocking shelves. I want to study sign language interpreting, just like she does. Not something you can jjst study anywhere and her city is the best option by far in terms of cost of living and quality of the classes. I've been interested in it before, but never pursued it, out of fear of being alone. Not to mention that we are about to maybe finally find the shared apartment in her city we've been looking for for so long. I dont have the best life at my parents place either. Trying to escape home as well. There is lots of yelling, always has been. My brother basically disowned me and lets me feel it every day.

Giving up on the relationship feels like giving up on my dreams and I don't want that. I love her. She loves me but she doesn't act like it. I just want things to be fine again.

I've contacted a self help group for depressed individuals so far. Its the best and probably only thing I can do at the moment. My country is basically gutting mental health services and therapists are impossible to find. I'm too overwhelmed to even look. However the self help group is not answering my e-mails for some reason. I was told I would be contacted soon, but I've asked twice already in the last two weeks and there has only been crickets.

I dont know anymore. Help me.

Ich habe ein Ticket für Avelos Comedyshow Alternative für Deutschland abzugeben, da ich an dem Abend leider verhindert bin.

Die Show ist am 03.05. um 19:00 Uhr

Adresse ist Breiter Weg 30.

Das Ticket hat 10€ gekostet. Ich muss aber nicht unbedingt Geld dafür bekommen. Ich würde es auch kostenlos weitergeben, aber über einen kleinen Betrag der meinen Verlust minimiert würde ich mich schon freuen.