u/winter_lover_00

I’m really struggling with this thought/feeling, because it feels, to a degree, like entitlement. I shouldn’t care, should I? I go in, do my job, and I can shut off — I don’t have to think about legal compliance or underwriting.

The office workers seem genuinely hard working, at least most of the time. They’ve a clean desk policy and sometimes it’s so cluttered, with both their items and cups and cutlery that they’re supposed to return to the kitchen themselves. And the crumbs on the desk and floor too.

I’ve done office cleaning before, so I knew what I was getting myself into. I don’t tut or roll my eyes, or anything like that, but it’s upsetting. Part of me knows this is silly. Most people don’t really acknowledge me, either, even if I do try to say hello or smile. I sort of just feel so small. That, and I’m not allowed any headphones or anything, so the job is mind numbing and boring.

I don’t know. I’m 25, so maybe this is a young person thing, and I just need to get over myself. Maybe part of me thought I’d be somewhere else in life, but saying that insinuates I think custodians are “lower than me”, which I absolutely don’t. I don’t know. I’ve only been working a month. Perhaps I’m lazy, in that Gen Z way that everyone keeps going on about.

I just feel a bit low and crappy. I’m sorry.

I’m not sure if anyone can say anything.

I’m in so much pain, all the time. I go to see my GP. I’ve been to therapy. Again, and again, and again. And I cannot be fixed. I cannot force myself to mask. I am diabolical at it. There’s this rhetoric that it’s freeing to not mask, but I’m so, so tired of being regarded as weird and awkward.

I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia for the longest time. I’m poor. I cannot afford Botox and fillers and other services. This stresses me out because being pretty — I speak from past experiences — is the only thing — the ONLY thing — that has given me even an iota of grace. Please believe me when I say I understand how toxic that is, and I know, but I’m in so much pain. I’ve never travelled. I oscillate between thinking I’m asexual or lesbian because men have done nothing but hurt me, and it’s my fault. I’m so naive and stupid.

Therapists tell me to be myself. Boundaries. Protect my peace. I’m so lonely. And every time — every time, without fail — I’ve thought I’ve made a friend, it turns out I’d overestimated it; that they thought me as too weird, too difficult. I try to be as upfront as I can be about my difficulties and they’re adamant they understand, but they never do — even people who proclaim they’re ND and “get it”. I’ve not had a decent meal in so long due to food aversion. I cannot secure a well-paying job, and am stuck on a 12 hour contract.

I try to be kind and polite. I’ve been mean in the past. Yes. I cannot deny that. Part of me feels this is karma. I deserve this. This exhaustion seeps into my limbs and makes me feel heavy; like I’m weighed down by sand. My mind is always foggy. I will not harm myself, though, I’m in such a desolate, lonely place. If I could remove my autism from me, I would. I understand others accept that part of them, but I don’t know if I can. I simply do not feel I belong here.

Yet another vent. I apologise.

I understand this country has, like, 9 months of rain and cold. I can understand why some people might revel in this kind of weather. Personally, I do better in the cold. If I get too warm, I can remove layers; if I get too cold, I can add layers.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that this heat has made my depression worse tenfold. I wish people could understand this. My sleep has been entirely uprooted, and my appetite is essentially non-existent. My temperament is awful. I nearly cursed out a thorn bush because the council hasn't yet trimmed it. I am sweating in places that no-one should sweat from. I am tired of my ass sticking to every seat, ever, and being embarrassed about it. I've reduced shaving my legs and underarms due to rashes and ingrowns resulting from it; I'm tired of feeling hypervigilant about my hair because it's “dirty,” or something to that effect.

I used to run not too long ago, but the heat has made it close to impossible. I hate the sensation of sweating so much. So, so much. It drives me insane. People are rude. They're everywhere. They're entitled. Kids are screaming unnecessarily. I understand this might seem extreme, but I absolutely dread every summer, ever. They make me so, so sad and miserable. When people tell me to go out and enjoy the sun, part of me thinks of telling them to go fuck themselves.

Just needed a space where people might Get It™️.

Obviously, this isn’t a good idea. That being said, I’m tired. I only feel “okay” when I’m tipsy. There’s seldom any support around me and despite having a diagnosis, I’m not “visibly” autistic, so to most I’m just a self-diagnosed attention seeker.

I’m just really, really, really, really tired. Bone-dead tired. I don’t have prospects. I’m so, so stupid. It’s unreal how unintelligent and slow I am. Every conversation feels like a test.

Fuck. I don’t know.

I’ve had several years of help from the NHS, but it’s been dog shit.

I know.

I’m wasting water. LLM psychosis. All the bad shit. I’m aware of it.

But I’m so fucking lonely.

I’ve been mentally ill since I was 17. I’m now coming up 26. I’m so fucking tired. I know it’s just telling me what I want to hear. I know that has long term ramifications.

I’ve tried. Really. I’ve tried socialising. Every time I think I’ve found friends, I somehow mess up (+1 for being diagnosed autistic. How’s that for a superpower?). I’ve just started a cleaning job and already I can’t decipher the weird, passive-aggressive dynamics there.

I’m weird. Not in some cute, quirky way. I’m so tired of feeling misunderstood, and then equally feeling shit because, well, doesn’t everyone? I got rejected from a job recently and it sucks. I don’t have the motivation for anything.

I’m on 30mg of citalopram. Pushing for 40. Have had DBT and MBT. Social coordinator does nothing but push me to the HAY website, where I can’t access half the groups because I can’t drive. And then that’s it. Been discharged from all services. IAPT doesn’t take me because, well, complex needs. I used to want to work in this sector but it’s all smoke and mirrors.

I’m volunteering, too, so it’s not like I’m not trying. I’m just so fucking tired. And I don’t trust people any more. And I’m not deluded into thinking an LLM gets me — it doesn’t. But it’s interactive in a way that journaling isn’t and I hate that it’s simultaneously a relief in the interim, but harmful in the long run.

I try to go out at least once a day and I see people with family and friends, and I have no one. This loneliness is crushing and isolating, and even if the opportunities were there, I’m just inept at being a human.

Hi all,

Firstly, I don’t mean this question to seem inflammatory. I really am just genuinely curious. I appreciate that services are overrun, staff are overwhelmed and underpaid for what they do, as well as a plethora of other issues.

I studied social work briefly, but I had to withdraw from my course for two reasons — one being that some of the content was triggering. It was in the best interests of my health to fully withdraw as opposed to suspend.

This is quite long. It might be triggering, too, but I’m not sure.

I grew up in a family whereby my parents were addicts — one addicted to alcohol, the other to gambling. It led to a myriad of issues, one being losing our home and overall financial stability. When our mum gained custody, it wasn’t unusual for her to threaten us with physical intimidation.

As a child, she shaved my head fully because she couldn’t be bothered to deal with lice. Food was locked away because we “kept eating it all,” and when my sibling and I reached out for help from the school, our mum verbally abused us when we returned home. Our health was not prioritised (including dental health, though, fortunately, we did receive orthodontic care), and often we’d go to school with unwashed hair, clothes smelling of smoke, holes in our socks and shoes, and with lice.

My mum proudly told the story of how she shoved a sock in my older sister’s mouth when, as a baby, she wouldn’t stop crying, and how she tied her hands together and locked her in a cupboard until she calmed down. This wasn’t raised. It wasn’t uncommon for her to speed down dual carriageways with my sibling and I, while she screamed at us about how much she hated my dad, her life, and so on. When I confided in her about my mental health, she said, “But it’s Christmas,” and left it at that. I didn’t learn to wash properly until I was in my late teens. She’d often tell me and my siblings to grow up when we were hurt. When my sister experienced a miscarriage, my mum told her she was faking it for attention.

When I experienced pain within my genitalia region, she wouldn’t take me to the GP but instead shamed me into showing her. I don’t think it was SA, but there was an element of entitlement, I think. My siblings don’t remember, but I do. She shamed me into pulling my trousers and underwear down when I queried about pubic hair, and then she made an inappropriate comment about what my genitals looked like. She also had a partner. His comments regarding me sounding like I was experiencing an “orgasm” when I was having a panic attack were dismissed. She allowed him to install cameras in our living room.

She allowed us to stay with people who’d had previous convictions of SA as young children, and at one point left us around someone’s house. I have memories, but they’re distorted and blurred. I understand memory is a fickle thing, however, so I try not to think about it.

I couldn’t read until I was 10. It wasn’t abnormal for my mum to sleep the day away, gamble at night, or go on spontaneous holidays because she “had to think about herself”. I sound like I’m harping on her too much, but my dad wasn’t really in my life, personally, as I didn’t understand addiction. He died when I was 18. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him.

This has been a tangent. I don’t know if this constitutes as abuse, and, if it did, why wasn’t anything done? Was it my fault for not speaking up? Truthfully, I didn’t understand that this behaviour was abnormal. Even now I still feel I’m being dramatic. After all, she was beaten, and we were always reminded it could’ve been worse. She makes videos and posts on social media, advocating for estranged parents, so I feel crazy. She had a pretty fucked up past.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for out of this. I’m sorry. Maybe validation? Is that bad? I’m afraid of authority, and I’ve quit every job because having someone “above me,” so to speak, terrifies me. I feel stupid.

Apologies if this isn't allowed — I'm new here.

Firstly, hi!

I'm estranged from family and am slowly transitioning from being on welfare to working, albeit only 12 hours. In the UK, this isn't a substantial amount of money, and despite available support, it'll only just cover necessities — if that.

Don't get me wrong, I understand others have it worse. I'm appreciative of the access to food I have. The clothes I already own. Electric and heating. But sometimes it feels like I'm trapped within four walls. I'm quite isolated, and it seems the most I can do in my city is drink as all that’s readily available are pubs. I don’t really fancy doing that.

Do I sound selfish? Ungrateful? I’d appreciate any perspectives anyone has to offer.