u/wormcriminal

my roommate said he was gonna order pizza when he got home from work and i said yes because all i’ve eaten the past two days is takis and dry cereal and i genuinely thought i could stand to eat some pizza at that moment. lo and behold, maybe all of an hour later, the pizza is here and i’m being awkward and avoidant in my room because i no longer want to eat pizza. i was in the middle of something when it got here so i tried to act casual and pretend i didnt notice and go back to my room but he came to tell me it was here whenever i wanted any. i feel like shit because i’m not going to eat it. i think i’m gonna wait until he’s asleep and use my credit card to order my own food because i’m broke, embarrassed, and starving.

finally got taco bell yesterday after not eating anything for almost two days, now im back to having no safe foods at home so i am again unable to eat and dont want to get fast food again bc i have no money and i dont want my bf to judge me for spending so much on fast food especially when i dont even have enough for my phone bill rn. trying to doordash enough to stay afloat until i start my job in a week, then i can get on food stamps and buy my own food and finally wont have to worry as much. just gotta figure out what my safe foods at home actually are so i can stop with the fast food.

the dishwasher hadnt been cleaning the dishes all the way and my boyfriend told me it’s because i was scrubbing everything clean before putting it in there, so the sensors weren’t sensing enough to clean good enough. i guess no one ever told me dishwashers worked like that but it makes me trust it even less. i thought you were supposed to scrub all the food off and then put them in there for total cleaning and sanitizing. if everyone else is putting crusty dishes in there then it means everything in there is getting soaked in dirty food water and i can’t handle that thought. so i’ve been hand washing every single dish before i use it no matter if it came straight from the dishwasher or the cabinet. it’s the only way i can get any peace of mind about it.

i wouldn’t wish this combination on anyone. i just want to be able to eat anything and not care or think about it. even if i do eventually feel like eating something, i talk myself out of it because someone else might have taken some bread out of the package without washing their hands, or someone didn’t rinse a knife covered in peanut butter before putting it in the dishwasher so now the rest of the dishes in there are contaminated and i cant use them to cook unless i hand wash them and im too physically weak from not eating to be able to do that. and i’m so incredibly embarrassed to tell anyone any of this. all my safe options are literally just fast food which makes me feel like a picky little kid when all i want is taco bell and i literally cant make myself eat anything else