u/wrathfulpotatochip

My misogynistic cousin (F46, married with three kids) called me insane and delusional yesterday for not wanting to get married. At first, she started bitching about her husband and how he does not let her go to the gym because "gym is for those who are for the streets". This pos told her that his biggest wish in the whole world is for her to stop working and become a housewife.

I (F27, 4b) became visibly destraught because what the fuck? That is such a demented thing to say. I warned her to NEVER leave her job because he might end up financially abusing her down the line (He is one of those religious fanatics who think women are property).

That was apparently the wrong thing to say because she started defending him somehow?? Telling me how women are created to "take" (disgusting statement that made me shudder) and that we should stay at home and get pampered. That if she had a chance, she would stay at home forever.

I kept trying to explain to her how brainwashed women are and how patriarchy permeates every aspect of our lives. I stated that I will never get married because I do not like the idea of sharing myself with someone else, let alone a man (I have deeper reasons that I would rather not divulge to misogynists, I am pretty sure many can relate).

She then called me "sick in the head" and "delusional" because women are satisfied with their lives and very few men are that bad. That I should get married because running away is for cowards which I clearly resemble and relate to. That celebacy is a copout.

I did expect her to say something of that sort because ever since I was a child, she was the person who liked tormenting me the most in my family, either by calling me a cow if I gained weight, or by telling me not to wear glasses (even though I needed them) because they would "ruin" my eyes. She groped my chest when I was teen and said something along the lines of "oh she is getting ripe". She liked bringing up, umprompted, topics related to periods, femininity, bras and underwear to make me uncomfortable as a teen. She often called me mentally ill, autistic, socially inept...

Ah, and her sister called 4b women "traumatized beyond repair".

I know I should not take it to heart but I am getting so annoyed of being told what to do. I want to live alone, I do not want a husband or kids, I just want peace of mind and personal space. How and why is that so wrong and so controversial? I am livid and hurt.

Do any of you have someone in your family who treats you in a similar way? How do you deal with them? Does it ever stop bothering you?

I apologize for the rant, no one in my circle shares similar perspectives. This sub is my safe space, thank you mods.

Edit: I might take some time to read and respond to all the comments, I just want to clarify that I did cut her off years ago, but she is allowed to visit us because my mother worships the ground she walks on, she did raise her after all. Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment.

Seriously, how does one achieve inner peace when you are perpetually mourning your childhood and your lost potential?

I am trying so hard to distract myself and slowly move on but it does not seem to be working. On the contrary, I find myself dwelling more and more on the source of my pain. Everyday is a funeral of things that could have been.

The complete lack of remorse my parents display makes my blood boil and my chest hurt. I feel like a lost child when I am well into my late twenties. It makes me feel pathetic. I should be over it by now but here I am, as sad as I was at five years old.

Any advice is hugely appreciated.

Edit: I am reading all of your comments, thank you for taking the time to reply and for being kind.

I (F27yo) have a vague idea about my type but I would like a more unbiased opinion.

1.) What’s your biggest fear?

Loss of security and autonomy.

I hate being under someone else’s thumb. I hate depending on other people because I find them untrustworthy. There is no guarantee that they would not turn on me or weaponize my weaknesses against me someday.

I have a tendency to spend money sensibly; I always have some saved for emergencies. Same with clothing.

Unlike most people I know, I do not fear death. I had a pseudo heart attack (which ended up being undiagnosed mitral incompetence) and I felt… nothing. I just felt calm and peaceful. In my mind I was like “ah so this is it huh?” I believe this is a defense mechanism I developed to curb the fear of the unknown.

2) What is your biggest desire?

To make my ambitions into reality.

I want to do so many things, want to study more, read more, draw more, master new languages, deepen my understanding of things, enrich my knowledge and be more.

I do believe that knowledge and wisdom are the ultimate superpowers and I want to be powerful.

Sadly, one life will never be enough. One brain can only process so much before it gives out. Feeling inadequate and limited in my own mortality hurt so badly.

3) What are you ''the best'' at?

Arguing. I have never met anyone as passionate as I am when it comes to defending my opinions.

If I am sure that I am right, you best believe I will fight ‘till the bitter end to prove it, often using what I already know to do so.

I am unrelenting and unyielding when people underestimate or belittle me. I have been told that I am terrifying when challenged. I just think people need to be put in their right place sometimes.

I lived in a household where my opinions were disrespected and discarded, I was constantly accused of lying (even when I was telling the truth) so I turned that despair into anger and the anger into the passion to know things so that I can always be at the top, even in trivial matters.

 

4) How do you see yourself right now?

I do not know? I do not usually think about how I perceive myself, I just judge myself all the time I think.

 

5) How do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Dead perhaps? Morbid, I know.

With the way things are going on in the world, I do not think I would be able to live a long life. The stress and the rage would kill me before any war could. All the more reason to do what I want right now.

If not dead, then I would definitely be single, living alone, I would be well read, maybe I would have learned one or two more languages by then, I would be more cynical but more accepting of how things turned out I hope.

 

6) How do you express yourself?

Depends on the situation.

I have an unhealthy tendency of bottling up emotions then exploding when it gets too much.

I am quite childish and restless when I am excited, I cannot help it, there is so much in the world to be excited about. Otherwise, I am calm if not a bit stern, or so I have been told.

I tend to escape to music and video games when I do not want to deal with overwhelming emotions. Focusing too much on them makes me lose control and show vulnerability and I hate that.

 

7) How do you feel about those near you (family, friends)?

Depends on the person. I would say I care about humanity but am very wary of my fellow humans.

I am not a big fan of my family because I have nothing in common with them; we have contradictory opinions and conflicting interests most of the time. It does not help that some of them are the overly judgmental, ultra-religious type.

As for my friends, I like talking to them and spending time with them in healthy doses. I need time to recharge and reground. Being near people energizes me at first but then I burn out quickly.

 

8) How do you feel about strangers?

Scared of some (men) for obvious reasons, indifferent of some (children), care a lot about some (women and girls) and downright disgusted by some.

I have so much love and empathy for the underprivileged and the underdog, it is quite easy to put myself in their shoes and realize how horrifying their experiences are.

I am one of those people who cry and rage and scream everytime they watch the news. The injustice of it all makes my blood burn with anger.

 

9) How do you deal with conflict?

I am a very combative person, sometimes unnecessarily so. I get offended easily and I take myself seriously. I cannot stand being criticized or chastised. Yes, I know my own flaws and shortcomings, no need to point them out for me, thank you. No one beats and berates me more than I do myself.

I am also very passive aggressive when I cannot argue with the person directly.

Conflicts make all my bitter feelings come to the surface, which makes me feel alive but guilty as well. It is such a complex emotion; I have no idea how to describe it.

 

 

10) How do you deal with change?

I am terrified of change when I do not plan for it.

I cannot stand sudden visits, surprise parties and unplanned outings.

I am in the habit of planning ahead all the time. Be it outfits, errands, or hobbies.

Change is complicated. It comes with a plethora of new possibilities and risks. Seeing as I am not the flexible type, it makes sense for me to fear such a notion. I have no idea how people adapt to new variables without losing their minds from all the stress.

 

11) How do you deal with your emotions?

The thing is, I have a rich, inner emotional world that I hate it with all my being but also know that I cannot be me without.

 

I see my emotions as weaknesses waiting to exploited and weaponized. I have so much affection for this world and it is exhausting, to be the only one in the room who cares this much. So I hide behind bubbliness, smiles, considerate words and some degree of false softness. The cracks still show though and the turmoil finds a way to escape my control.

 

12) What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?

As far as values go, Justice matters to me the most.

I hate seeing people and animals get wronged and oppressed; it physically hurts me, no exaggeration. The life of all living beings matters to me. I might kill a spider or cockroach because I am scared, but I would never consider its existence trivial or useless.

Which is also why I am ruthless and unforgiving towards those who belittle the value of life.

I hope I never lose my passion for learning. I hope I never lose what makes me feel secure and alive.

 

13) What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

I just want to be free to do what I want while having a safety net to fall back into if things go awry. I want a quiet place, books, pets, financial security and adequate healthcare. I would like to be an activist someday as well.

 

14) How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

Again, it depends on who is asking.

I used to be open to helping anyone and that made me a target of parasitic people.

Now I am more selective of who to aid. I help the poor and the homeless with no question, but everyone else? I can help but I expect a payback later on. Help is transactional and so are relationships.

 

15) Do you need logical consistency in your life?

Yes and no. I can understand the importance of logic in one’s life but then again, life is unpredictable and humans are inherently prone to irrationality. It is unrealistic to expect everything to fall into place in such a universe.

 

16) How important is your image in regards to how others perceive you?

I hate to admit it so much, but my image is VERY important to me.

Do you want to be perceived in a certain way? Does it bother you if you are perceived in some other way than the one you wish to be perceived with?

Absolutely. I would hate to be perceived as weak, irrational or easily understood. I do not want to be typical; I do not want to be just another brick in the wall. I am meant for more.

 

17) How important is financials, security, and survival to you? This includes having sufficient resources, avoiding danger and maintaining a fundamental sense of structure and wellbeing

As I said, all of those things are vital to me.

I have some self-destructive tendencies (binge eating, sleep deprivation) that I exercise when I am in a low place mentally.

On a normal day, I am cautious and very avoidant of anything new or unfamiliar. I rarely deviate from my own script.

 

18) What is your reaction and thoughts to others' rejection, criticism and disapproval of you?

Oh boy, a single word makes me fall apart.

I have been terrified of rejection for so long that I have no idea how to approach people anymore. I would rather be alone than rejected or denied. That would kill me.

 

 

19) What is the importance of the concepts, ideas and meaning behind things to you? Are you trying to make sense of your everyday life?

I do question abstract concepts sometimes. How systems came to be, how experiences shape a person, how history influenced current events, what the meaning of justice or love are.

I find it less interesting to try and figure out how a clock works or how a building is designed.

 

20) What are your thoughts on expressing your vulnerability?

I would rather gouge my eyes out, fry them and eat them than be voluntarily vulnerable.

Every time I was vulnerable, it was out of my control.

 

21) Would you consider yourself a jealous and/or possessive person? What do you think is the cause?

No, not jealous but secretly competitive not even against the person but against myself, as in, you would never catch me be openly competitive with you but inside?  I am itching to fight and win. Nothing is more embarrassing than being outwardly overconfident and then you lose. Yikes.

Possessive? Oh absolutely. What is mine is mine alone. I do not want anyone to touch my things or share my person with anyone else.

I am terrified of losing the things or the people I rely on because without them I would have nothing to fall back into. I want to be assured that I have a safety net because deep inside, I know I cannot be strong forever. At some point the center will not hold.

 

22) What makes you feel guilty?

hurting people and being privileged.

How do you deal and cope with such feelings? Do you seek to fix it, or do you dwell on them?

I try to make up for it but sometimes it is not enough. I do dwell on them but what even is the point? What is done is done, I can never fix it or take it back.

 

24) How do you view and judge reality?

By how it shapes us. The thing is, people perceive reality differently and that makes it harder to judge because what metrics do you even use to do that?

Personally, I think people who say, “I am living my truth” are shallow and stupid. There is only one truth, one reality, and it is objectively impersonal. Either you accept it and build yourself around it, or you live in delusions until something bad enough happens and it breaks your mind.

Thanks in advance.