I (F23) and my boyfriend (M25) have been together for 9 months. On most things we are very compatible, but he comes from a very enmeshed family. over the months I have watched him go through multiple conflicts and every time he gets so so sad because his mom then refuses to talk to him, even blocking him or actually gettin in the car to drive in the opposite direction if he tries to come to her to confront her. its usually about him not being a good enough son. he calls them almost every day and drives to their house with his brother almost every week, sometimes more. she has a key to his apartment and crosses so many boundaries like insisting on washing his laundry even though he's more than capable and willing, taking his work shoes to be cleaned without telling him so h doesn't know where they are when he needs them. every conflict ends in him saying he just needs to be better and try harder and being there more often ...

a couple weeks ago he told me his mom paid some of his overdue bills without telling him and did it incorrectly, making a financial mess. I was shocked. I told him I would ask for my key back and he immediately went "I can't do that".
a couple of days later I talked to him about how I want him to go to therapy because he needs a neutral perspective of things. that I think he deserves a life where he's more than a son. where he deserves a chance to be independent, as his family dynamic has resulted in him never having to manage a household since his mom comes and cleans whenever she wants, which then in turn makes me wonder if I am able to have a family with him if this doesn't change. he says this wouldn't be the case if we moved in together and I said "well why do you think that is?" and he went "because she respects you". but she doesn't respect her own son's privacy and autonomy???

at first he said he doesn't want to. I asked why. He said he doesn't want to spend money on this and why can't he just solve it on his own since his brother "doesn't need therapy either". I said I would help him out, since I have a lot of money saved. we live in Austria, the healthcare system is good so you can get part of the bill back through insurance. he said no he doesn't want to. and then he said "you know what, fine, Ill do it cause you won't stop worrying unless I go, its fine" but by his tone it did not seem fine. I don't want him to go to therapy just because I told him to. but I don't think its possible to detach from this sort of enmeshed family dynamic without going no contact or a professionals help.

is it a bad idea to insist on him going to therapy?

I (23) have been with my bf (25) for 9 months now. While I'm very happy and lucky to be with someone who I also consider my best friend and basically checks all my boxes, I am sometimes so awfully angry. I had never thought about needing my partner to be good at household/time management (I was only with 1 other bf before and he was honestly such a bad partner in general that I didn't have the energy to even think of this aspect).

For context he and his family are very tight. at first I only knew that he visits them every week and calls almost every day and I thought "wow that's nice!" Until he said "it's basically like we don't live together anymore but we still share a household"

He lives alone in a small apartment and its always super messy. all drawers of every closet or cupboard is open at all times, clean and dirty clothes on the floor. loads of laundry in the washer, wet for days!!! (without washing it again because forgotten. just washed once, then forgotten for days) everything that has a cap to twist closed is left opened after use even when posing risk of spillage(bottle of iced tea, skincare, toothpaste, olive oil, also wet wipes ...) the toilet is never really clean.

i want to say that I've lived alone since I was 18. In my family, independence is highly valued. I know that if I asked my mom to help clean my apartment, she would. at the same time, I would never because I know in the long run it's better to learn from your personal failures, so that is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have struggled to manage my own household (keeping up with laundry, dishes, shopping, cleaning, bills, university, part time job) and this past year I have finally gotten to a point where I can successfully manage. but my apartment also gets dirty sometimes, it happens, so I don't want to be judgmental of my boyfriends mess, you know? He's seen my mess, I've seen his.

But for him, he relies on his family SO much. Partially because when he refuses, they get very upset, sure. Still, he never really had to MANAGE all the tasks that come into running a household alone. He knows how to vacuum, sweep, wash his laundry and dry it, pay his bills, clean the bathroom whatever. he's done all of this before as well. But consecutively doing ALL of it, staying on top of what needs to be done and knowing when to do what, his family helps out so much that I don't think he ever had the chance to learn how to stop messes from forming. For example, after eating, he always leaves the dishes at the table to go cuddle after, unless I remind him to put them away.

This results in me feeling like I need to be thinking for the both of us at all times. with time management also. Eg. I went on a short trip and he said he'd drive me to the airport. I told him my flight time and he thought it was 3 pm. but it was 3 am. I said I needed to buy a phone charger for the trip, he told me he'd get one for me and then he forgot. I booked our airbnb for our vacation, sent him the screenshot of the dates and today he said we had agreed on the 15th and not the 16th and if I can still change it. he missed his deadline for applying his university entrance exam so he has to wait another year (no he did not write it down). I don't want to be a manager. but if I stop managing, nothing works.

I had talked to him about household things before. he knows it's not his strong suit and he knows my opinion about his family's overbearingness. he's basically asked me for patience and to show him how to do certain things and he always likes watching me cook so he can improve his own skills. He takes out my trash and brings me lunch when I'm busy with university, so he is really trying. But sometimes it feels like I am not dating a grown up simply because of all the things I have to explain to him all the time. Like I am a teacher. I am starting to get resentful bc I feel like I didn't sign up for this and I learned alone, why can't he? he's asking me so many questions all the time about how what works and I can't anymore. he's the sweetest man, but "What can I do to help" is even starting to annoy me. I don't know, you tell me what you can do!!!

his mom cleans his apartment without permission even. once she paid some bills she found without telling him and did it wrong, causing even more problems.I told him to ask for his key back and he said "I can't do that". told him I want him to go to therapy bc he needs to have a chance to be more than a son, he doesn't want to, but said he'd do it since ill worry anyways. I told him I don't want him to do it just because I tell him to since sitting at therapy when you don't want to might not be useful.

TL;DR I have no idea how to bring this up without basically calling him childish. I don't even really know what exactly I want to change. I love him so much, but I just get really overwhelmed when my surroundings are messy or when my time management is thrown off. I feel bad criticizing him constantly when he's such a patient person with me. help

I (23F) have been with my bf (25M) for 9 months now. While I'm very happy and lucky to be with someone who I also consider my best friend and basically checks all my boxes, I am sometimes so awfully angry. I had never thought about needing my partner to be good at household/time management (I was only with 1 other bf before and he was honestly such a bad partner in general that I didn't have the energy to even think of this aspect).

For context he and his family are very tight. at first I only knew that he visits them every week and calls almost every day and I thought "wow that's nice!" Until he said "it's basically like we don't live together anymore but we still share a household"

He lives alone in a small apartment and its always super messy. all drawers of every closet or cupboard is open at all times, clean and dirty clothes on the floor. loads of laundry in the washer, wet for days!!! (without washing it again because forgotten. just washed once, then forgotten for days) everything that has a cap to twist closed is left opened after use even when posing risk of spillage(bottle of iced tea, skincare, toothpaste, olive oil, also wet wipes ...) the toilet is never really clean.

i want to say that I am not a neat freak and I've lived alone since I was 18. In my family, independence is highly valued. I know that if I asked my mom to help clean my apartment, she would. at the same time, I would never because I know in the long run it's better to learn from your personal failures, so that is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have struggled to manage my own household (keeping up with laundry, dishes, shopping, cleaning, bills, university, part time job) and this past year I have finally gotten to a point where I can successfully manage. but my apartment also gets dirty sometimes, it happens, so I don't want to be judgmental of my boyfriends mess, you know? He's seen my mess, I've seen his.

But for him, he relies on his family SO much. Partially because when he refuses, they get very upset, sure. Still, he never really had to MANAGE all the tasks that come into running a household alone. He knows how to vacuum, sweep, wash his laundry and dry it, pay his bills, clean the bathroom whatever. he's done all of this before as well. But consecutively doing ALL of it, staying on top of what needs to be done and knowing when to do what, his family helps out so much that I don't think he ever had the chance to learn how to stop messes from forming. For example, after eating, he always leaves the dishes at the table to go cuddle after, unless I remind him to put them away.

This results in me feeling like I need to be thinking for the both of us at all times. with time management also. Eg. I went on a short trip and he said he'd drive me to the airport. I told him my flight time and he thought it was 3 pm. but it was 3 am. I said I needed to buy a phone charger for the trip, he told me he'd get one for me and then he forgot. I booked our airbnb for our vacation, sent him the screenshot of the dates and today he said we had agreed on the 15th and not the 16th and if I can still change it. he missed his deadline for applying his university entrance exam so he has to wait another year (no he did not write it down). I don't want to be a manager. but if I stop managing, nothing works.

I had talked to him about household things before. he knows it's not his strong suit and he knows my opinion about his family's overbearingness. he's basically asked me for patience and to show him how to do certain things and he always likes watching me cook so he can improve his own skills. He takes out my trash and brings me lunch when I'm busy with university, so he is really trying. But sometimes it feels like I am not dating a grown up simply because of all the things I have to explain to him all the fucking time. Like I am a teacher. I am starting to get resentful bc I feel like I didn't sign up for this and I learned alone, why can't he? he's asking me so man questions all the time about how what works and I can't anymore. he's the sweetest man, but "What can I do to help" is even starting to annoy me. I don't know, you tell me what you can do.

I have no idea how to bring this up without basically calling him incompetent or a child. I don't even really know what exactly I want to change. I love him so much, but I just get really overwhelmed when my surroundings are messy or when my time management is thrown off. I feel like the greatest bitch criticizing him constantly when he's such a patient person with me. help

I (23) have been with my bf (25) for 9 months now. While I'm very happy and lucky to be with someone who I also consider my best friend and basically checks all my boxes, I am sometimes so awfully angry. I had never thought about needing my partner to be good at household/time management (I was only with 1 other bf before and he was honestly such a bad partner in general that I didn't have the energy to even think of this aspect).

For context he and his family are very tight. at first I only knew that he visits them every week and calls almost every day and I thought "wow that's nice!" Until he said "it's basically like we don't live together anymore but we still share a household"

He lives alone in a small apartment and its always super messy. all drawers of every closet or cupboard is open at all times, clean and dirty clothes on the floor. loads of laundry in the washer, wet for days!!! (without washing it again because forgotten. just washed once, then forgotten for days) everything that has a cap to twist closed is left opened after use even when posing risk of spillage(bottle of iced tea, skincare, toothpaste, olive oil, also wet wipes ...) the toilet is never really clean.

i want to say that I am not a neat freak and I've lived alone since I was 18. In my family, independence is highly valued. I know that if I asked my mom to help clean my apartment, she would. at the same time, I would never because I know in the long run it's better to learn from your personal failures, so that is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have struggled to manage my own household (keeping up with laundry, dishes, shopping, cleaning, bills, university, part time job) and this past year I have finally gotten to a point where I can successfully manage. but my apartment also gets dirty sometimes, it happens, so I don't want to be judgmental of my boyfriends mess, you know? He's seen my mess, I've seen his.

But for him, he relies on his family SO much. Partially because when he refuses, they get very upset, sure. Still, he never really had to MANAGE all the tasks that come into running a household alone. He knows how to vacuum, sweep, wash his laundry and dry it, pay his bills, clean the bathroom whatever. he's done all of this before as well. But consecutively doing ALL of it, staying on top of what needs to be done and knowing when to do what, his family helps out so much that I don't think he ever had the chance to learn how to stop messes from forming. For example, after eating, he always leaves the dishes at the table to go cuddle after, unless I remind him to put them away.

This results in me feeling like I need to be thinking for the both of us at all times. with time management also. Eg. I went on a short trip and he said he'd drive me to the airport. I told him my flight time and he thought it was 3 pm. but it was 3 am. I said I needed to buy a phone charger for the trip, he told me he'd get one for me and then he forgot. I booked our airbnb for our vacation, sent him the screenshot of the dates and today he said we had agreed on the 15th and not the 16th and if I can still change it. he missed his deadline for applying his university entrance exam so he has to wait another year (no he did not write it down). I don't want to be a manager. but if I stop managing, nothing works.

I had talked to him about household things before. he knows it's not his strong suit and he knows my opinion about his family's overbearingness. he's basically asked me for patience and to show him how to do certain things and he always likes watching me cook so he can improve his own skills. He takes out my trash and brings me lunch when I'm busy with university, so he is really trying. But sometimes it feels like I am not dating a grown up simply because of all the things I have to explain to him all the fucking time. Like I am a teacher. I am starting to get resentful bc I feel like I didn't sign up for this and I learned alone, why can't he? he's asking me so man questions all the time about how what works and I can't anymore. he's the sweetest man, but "What can I do to help" is even starting to annoy me. I don't know, you tell me what you can do.

I have no idea how to bring this up without basically calling him incompetent or a child. I don't even really know what exactly I want to change. I love him so much, but I just get really overwhelmed when my surroundings are messy or when my time management is thrown off. I feel like the greatest bitch criticizing him constantly when he's such a patient person with me. help