u/xX-BarnacleBob-Xx

Basically I'm 22(m) and i stopped going to school and work so i got fired and kicked out of all my classes. Actually I've been fired from all my jobs so i have literally nothing to put on my resume. I have one friend who i text with. Shes nice but she had a brain tumour since middle school until recently so it doesnt exactly feel like im talking with someone my own age.

I had friends my own age for like two days a few years back, and it was pretty awesome. I was going on these 60 mile bikerides 3 times a week in the middle of the night, and liked to stop at local punk shows sometimes. I met these girls and they were so fun, i felt like we had lots of common interests and stuff. Anyways i kinda went ballistic texting them saying i wanna be friends and then getting scared cause i thought they were faking being nice. So they were like no thanks dont wanna be friends, but i didnt really listen and kept texting anyways until i got blocked.

Before the bike rides i had spent about a year just sitting in my room doing absolutely nothing except having panic attacks all the time. I didnt use to have panic attacks, but started having them specifically after doing lsd with my ex girlfriend. She had recently had a suicide attempt after accusing me of cheating on her, plus she was always threatening to kill herself for similar reasons. Idk why i did acid with her dumbest shit ever. Anyways that relationship lasted about a year and ended with her friends smashing up my moms car and saying their gonna kill me and stuff cause its my fault she wants to die.

Idk me and my mom got in a fight about how they used to pour jars of water on me to wake me up and get me to do stuff and my mom was like "i dont want to have to keep dealing with this" and so she moved out. Sometimes i think about asking my parents to get back together since they both dont seem very happy with how things turned out.

In high school i had some friends, we met in middle school but back then they were more like bullies, putting rotten food in my backpack and tying me up in nets and stuff, arguing about who has to sit next to me. We ate lunch together and stuff and even though i got left out most the time in middle school from hangouts i remember going to each other birthday parties in high school, though i wished id get to hang out with people more. Actually my sophomore year me and this guy made friends with a japanese exchange girl and wed be tying our shoes together and running around and screaming it was so fun. One time i ductaped him to a rolly chair and wheeled him through a wall.

yeah fifth grade is where everything started i guess. Everybody started caring about being cool and getting girlfriends and stuff and i just wanted to climb trees and play tag still. Pretty much everybody ostracized me for this and i hated everyone for it cause i thought it was so stupid. But i also hated myself for it and would purposely fail my tests and give away my things to people just to make myself feel bad. Before that everything was pretty good. I had the neighbor girls and the wacaser girls and shayla and brett and yeah had lots of friends. My parents day i was way overly emotional as a child but other people say what i describe sounds like regular temper tabtrums so honestly im not really sure if that might just be my parents over reacting.

Anyways nowadays i just waste away in my room using up my dads money for nothing but laying in bed pretty great. Sometimes i feel good about myself and say "Todays the day everything changes" and i stand up and walk out the door and i have nowhere to go. So i just lay back down. And yeah basically what on earth am i supposed to do. How do i motivate myself to stay in school and work? How am i supposed to learn to socialize when i have no social skills and cant make any friends to learn with? Im just not having any fun in life