u/xdPandaPlayz1324

Long story short:

We have about a 2 hour window in the morning and 2 hours at night to talk due to the time difference.

She sends me snaps of her day, she replies nicely, and says goodnight every night.

But we only talk for 3 minutes a day before she has to sleep or go do something, she's active and i'm on delivered for hours, she never initiates messages, she stopped being romantic, she's always too busy to talk.

I feel like im not getting any connection despite trying to put in a load of effort, but technically she isn't cold or rude.

I don't know what to do...

She used to be excited to talk to me, she used to want to stay up until 2am just to call longer.

Now, I text her, make lunch, go to the gym, shower, and check my phone 2 hours later expecting a loving reply, but I'm still on delivered.

It's getting to the point where I wait for her reply all day, but then when I finally get it... I don't want to open it anymore.

Part of me wants to break up, but another part of me fears it's just a phase and I'm going to destroy everything.

I make excuses for her but is it too much to want to be loved by someone who's supposed to?

Everything has been pretty okay for the last month and a half. We dated for about 2 months before she had to move countries. However, she was oddly affectionate, like more affectionate than she’s ever been last week, then this week she’s been so incredibly dry and uninterested.

What’s hurt the most is she does things like this: I finally got sent pictures of us taken professionally at prom, so I sent them to her and she didn’t even reply, I said “Don’t you like them or something”. She just said she does. So I asked why she didn’t reply or save them or anything, she just said “oops” then has been inactive for 2 hours.

The only time she ever texts me is when it’s late at night for her. She’s seems that if she’s busy she couldn’t give two fucks about the relationship, but if she’s alone she wants to talk to me.

I’m moving to her country at the end of the year, not for her, I planned this move before even meeting her. Part of me hopes things work out, but another part of me feels like when I move to this new country I could find someone who actually appreciates me and is of course, close.

I’ve been doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship, I used to think she was cute and shy by not initiating or planning cute things, but at this point it just feels like she can’t put any sort of effort.

I feel like I want to break up but at the same time when things are going good it’s amazing. What hurts most is if this distance never happened we’d be going fine.

I feel like all I can do now is stop trying so hard and see what she does, if she doesn’t initiate and keeps going like this then I think I have my answer. If she feels guilty and tries harder then idk, maybe we’ll keep this going for another 2 weeks before it’s the same story again.

**TLDR:** I (17M) dated a international student (16F) for 3 months before she moved back to Europe. I'm moving to Europe later this year anyway, so we decided to try 7–8 months of long distance until we'd only be a short flight apart and we'd se each other once a month + go on holidays together. Since then she's gone through cycles of being incredibly affectionate (calling just to hear my voice, saying she misses me, lots of "I love you"s) and then suddenly becoming distant. Not to the level of ignoring me completley but being dry and not saying I love you and stuff. I've noticed that if I chase her when she's distant, she pulls away more, but if I focus on my own life and give her space, she usually becomes affectionate again. I can't tell whether this is just how she copes with the distance, whether she has a slightly avoidant attachment style. Or whether it's something wrong with me and when I priotize my own life and peace, I stop overthinking the relationship and it just feels more secure, and the insecurity before was nothing to do with her but with me, and that I care less about the "off days" when I am just busy myself.

I (17M) dated an international student (16F) for about 3 months, then they went back to europe. I'm moving to europe at the end of the year. (not the same country, and for my own reasons, and had this move planned months before even meeting them).

We decided if we can get past this initial 7-8 months of distance, then flights are more than affordable between the two european countries and then we could probably visit each other for a few days to a week, once every month or two + go on longer holidays together during christmas/new years and school holidays.

Things were going well for about 2 weeks, then she started becoming very distant. She stopped saying I love you, and left me on delivered for hours. I put up with it for about a week, then decided to tell her its making me feel like shit. We called, and she said she was thinking about breaking up, not because of anything I've done, but because the distance created so much uncertainty. She wondered how long could we surive by just seeing each other for a few days to a week per month for potentially 4+ more years while we're at uni.

I told her I understood but couldn't do anything about it because I can't guarentee anything and asked her what she wanted to do about it. She told me she didn't want to break up and she just felt guilty the whole time being distant and wants to stay together. We then had a bit of a stint for 5-6 days where we didnt really talk that much. I felt slightly hard done by and felt like the relationship was over and it caused me to basically process the start of an entire breakup before deciding I wanted to call her and end things.

I ended up calling her about a week and half after the other call but instead of breaking up we actually had a really fun talk for 3-4 hours and things felt more neutral but still not as they were before. Then she slowly became more and more affectionate and loving again after about a week.

We got to this new threshold which felt really balanced, we both were doing our own thing, but she would spontaneously call me and say she just wanted to hear my voice. It made me feel very loved and worthy. This lasted for about 2 weeks. Then last week she has been so incredibly affectionate it almost didn't feel like her. Even in person at the peak of our relationship she wasn't like this. It felt a bit uncanny. I can't say I didn't like it though, she stayed like this for about 3-4 days, then she has now gone on a two week family holiday which basically means we can't really call and keep our routine. I went to a party on friday night and sent her videos and stuff, but I guess she was either feeling left out because I was with her old friends, or she felt insecure. Either way she was sending me a load more of affectionate messages.

However, once the party ended she started becoming that weird distant, but still present attitude, almost like I'm talking to a not very close friend who's polite, but still not overly engaged. I decided to just forget about it and not let it get to me like before and get home, recover from the hangover, and watch La La Land and go to bed.

When I woke up in the morning she texted me asking about my day, I told her about it then asked about her day. She seemed a lot more attentive, but we only talked for 10 minutes then said she was going to bed. She said goodnight, and I said it too, but I didn't say I love you because she stopped responding to that for the last couple days and didn't feel like saying it without reciprocation. She went offline but then 10 minutes later she texted me saying "I love you", I said it back and then she went to sleep.

I don't how to feel about that, either if she was waiting for me to say it, or she has been withdrawing saying it on purpose for whatever reason but then felt bad.

We've essentially gotten into a cycle where she'll be incredibly affectionate and loving for 2-4 days, before acting disinterested for a bit. If I keep pursuing her, she acts more disinterested. If I pull back, I feel bad because she said she misses me sending her updates throughout the day and stuff but she does start being more affectionate again.

It feels the only time we are stable in this relationship is when I act less close and basically live my single life. However, I can't tell if this is because living my life like I am single brings me more peace and hapiness, and makes the relationship less stressful, therefore stopping me from overthinking and feeling like things are wrong. Or if it's the actual act of being less interested that makes her more reassuring and affectionate.

We still have about 4 more months of this distance. Part of me feels like it's pretty doable, but previous trauma in relationships leaves me feeling incredibly uncertain.

BTW when I say "single life" I mean not looking at my phone all day and just playing sports, working out, studying, and making plans for my future. Not "single-life" like partying and seeing other girls. I can't think of anything worse than being disloyal and thats absolutley not what I mean.

TLDR: I (17M) dated a international student (16F) for 3 months before she moved back to Europe. I'm moving to Europe later this year anyway, so we decided to try 7–8 months of long distance until we'd only be a short flight apart and we'd se each other once a month + go on holidays together. Since then she's gone through cycles of being incredibly affectionate (calling just to hear my voice, saying she misses me, lots of "I love you"s) and then suddenly becoming distant. Not to the level of ignoring me completley but being dry and not saying I love you and stuff. I've noticed that if I chase her when she's distant, she pulls away more, but if I focus on my own life and give her space, she usually becomes affectionate again. I can't tell whether this is just how she copes with the distance, whether she has a slightly avoidant attachment style. Or whether it's something wrong with me and when I priotize my own life and peace, I stop overthinking the relationship and it just feels more secure, and the insecurity before was nothing to do with her but with me, and that I care less about the "off days" when I am just busy myself.

I (17M) dated an international student (16F) for about 3 months, then they went back to europe. I'm moving to europe at the end of the year. (not the same country, and for my own reasons, and had this move planned months before even meeting them).

We decided if we can get past this initial 7-8 months of distance, then flights are more than affordable between the two european countries and then we could probably visit each other for a few days to a week, once every month or two + go on longer holidays together during christmas/new years and school holidays.

Things were going well for about 2 weeks, then she started becoming very distant. She stopped saying I love you, and left me on delivered for hours. I put up with it for about a week, then decided to tell her its making me feel like shit. We called, and she said she was thinking about breaking up, not because of anything I've done, but because the distance created so much uncertainty. She wondered how long could we surive by just seeing each other for a few days to a week per month for potentially 4+ more years while we're at uni.

I told her I understood but couldn't do anything about it because I can't guarentee anything and asked her what she wanted to do about it. She told me she didn't want to break up and she just felt guilty the whole time being distant and wants to stay together. We then had a bit of a stint for 5-6 days where we didnt really talk that much. I felt slightly hard done by and felt like the relationship was over and it caused me to basically process the start of an entire breakup before deciding I wanted to call her and end things.

I ended up calling her about a week and half after the other call but instead of breaking up we actually had a really fun talk for 3-4 hours and things felt more neutral but still not as they were before. Then she slowly became more and more affectionate and loving again after about a week.

We got to this new threshold which felt really balanced, we both were doing our own thing, but she would spontaneously call me and say she just wanted to hear my voice. It made me feel very loved and worthy. This lasted for about 2 weeks. Then last week she has been so incredibly affectionate it almost didn't feel like her. Even in person at the peak of our relationship she wasn't like this. It felt a bit uncanny. I can't say I didn't like it though, she stayed like this for about 3-4 days, then she has now gone on a two week family holiday which basically means we can't really call and keep our routine. I went to a party on friday night and sent her videos and stuff, but I guess she was either feeling left out because I was with her old friends, or she felt insecure. Either way she was sending me a load more of affectionate messages.

However, once the party ended she started becoming that weird distant, but still present attitude, almost like I'm talking to a not very close friend who's polite, but still not overly engaged. I decided to just forget about it and not let it get to me like before and get home, recover from the hangover, and watch La La Land and go to bed.

When I woke up in the morning she texted me asking about my day, I told her about it then asked about her day. She seemed a lot more attentive, but we only talked for 10 minutes then said she was going to bed. She said goodnight, and I said it too, but I didn't say I love you because she stopped responding to that for the last couple days and didn't feel like saying it without reciprocation. She went offline but then 10 minutes later she texted me saying "I love you", I said it back and then she went to sleep.

I don't how to feel about that, either if she was waiting for me to say it, or she has been withdrawing saying it on purpose for whatever reason but then felt bad.

We've essentially gotten into a cycle where she'll be incredibly affectionate and loving for 2-4 days, before acting disinterested for a bit. If I keep pursuing her, she acts more disinterested. If I pull back, I feel bad because she said she misses me sending her updates throughout the day and stuff but she does start being more affectionate again.

It feels the only time we are stable in this relationship is when I act less close and basically live my single life. However, I can't tell if this is because living my life like I am single brings me more peace and hapiness, and makes the relationship less stressful, therefore stopping me from overthinking and feeling like things are wrong. Or if it's the actual act of being less interested that makes her more reassuring and affectionate.

We still have about 4 more months of this distance. Part of me feels like it's pretty doable, but previous trauma in relationships leaves me feeling incredibly uncertain.

BTW when I say "single life" I mean not looking at my phone all day and just playing sports, working out, studying, and making plans for my future. Not "single-life" like partying and seeing other girls. I can't think of anything worse than being disloyal and thats absolutley not what I mean.

Note for anyone seeing this and thinking AI, it’s because I wrote like 3000 words in the notes app and needed AI to condense into something yall actually wanna read so forgive me :)

TL;DR: Met an amazing German exchange student, fell in love, and started long distance after she returned home. About a month in she became emotionally distant because she was trying to detach and prepare herself for a breakup over the uncertainty of our future. She later admitted detaching only made her feel guilty, and when she realised she might actually lose me, it scared her and she didn’t want to break up anymore. I almost ended the relationship anyway, but after a few days apart we had one of our best four-hour calls ever. Since then we’ve stopped constantly texting and sending daily vlogs, but we still have short chats most days and long calls every few days. I’m trying to work out whether we’ve found a healthier communication style that suits us, or whether this is the beginning of us drifting apart.

Actual Post:
Hey everyone. I’m looking for some advice because I genuinely can’t tell if my long-distance relationship is settling into something healthy or slowly fading away.

A few months ago, in my final year of school, a German exchange student had a crush on me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I asked her to prom because she’d never had one before. We started talking more, discovered loads of shared interests, and I slowly fell for her.

One of my favourite memories was surprising her with a picnic full of homemade German food she’d told me she missed. We spent the evening walking, climbing a willow tree, talking until it got dark, and that was when we had our first kiss. We dated for the rest of her exchange, but after three months she had to fly back to Germany.

We decided to try long distance because I’m moving to the UK at the end of this year, which will make visiting her much easier than it is now.
At first everything was great. We sent daily vlogs, texted all the time, called often, and constantly told each other we loved and missed each other. Then after about a month something changed. She became much quieter, took much longer to reply, stopped saying “I love you” over text, and generally felt emotionally distant. As someone who leans slightly anxious attachment-wise, it really affected me.

When we finally talked, she admitted she’d been trying to slowly detach because she thought it would make breaking up easier. She said she wasn’t losing feelings—she was overwhelmed by the uncertainty of long distance and was already worrying about where we’d both be six years from now. But she also told me that trying to detach didn’t actually make her feel better; it just made her feel guilty the entire time.

Then, when I told her we needed to talk, it suddenly became real that she might actually lose me, and she said that terrified her. Instead of feeling relieved, she found herself desperately not wanting the relationship to end.

We talked everything through, and by the end of the call we were saying “I love you” again. Even so, I still felt hurt that she’d tried to pull away instead of talking to me. I spent the next couple of days convinced the relationship needed to end before we both got hurt more. I cried, spoke to family and friends, watched every breakup video imaginable, and mentally prepared myself to make that call.

Then, right before we were meant to have it, one of her close friends invited her on a sailing trip. She asked if we could wait until she got back because she didn’t want to have a breakup hanging over her while spending time with a friend who was moving away. I completely understood. During those few days we barely talked apart from a couple of short check-ins and a few photos from sailing, which gave us both time to calm down.

When she finally called afterwards, I was fully expecting to end the relationship. The first few seconds were awkward, so I asked about her sailing trip to break the silence. Somehow that turned into a four-hour conversation. We laughed nonstop, had deep conversations about family, life and friends, talked about how much we missed each other, and by the end we were saying “I love you” again. We even started teasing each other which we’d never done before. It honestly felt like a complete 180 from where we’d both been emotionally just a week earlier.

Ever since then we’ve naturally fallen into a completely different rhythm. We still exchange the odd message or have a quick five-minute chat most days, but we don’t constantly text, send daily vlogs, or have long romantic conversations throughout the day anymore. Instead, every few days when we’re both free, one of us calls and we end up talking for hours. It feels like it works because we basically can live our lives and then connect throughout the week and we have much more to talk about. I also have exams coming up so it means that I can have more time to study.

Part of me thinks this might actually suit us better. She’s never been someone who spends much time on her phone, and I think trying to text constantly because I liked it was exhausting her. I’m slowly getting used to the idea that someone can love me without needing constant contact. It also means we don’t argue about stupid shit like forgetting to say good morning etc. But another part of me worries this is just the slow beginning of us drifting apart, and that one particularly busy period could accidentally create distance again.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Does this sound like two people finding a healthier rhythm that fits their personalities, or does it sound like a relationship that’s quietly fading?