u/xfargotv

This is gonna be a long one.

I (31M) got broken up with by my girlfriend (26F) of 8 years a little over a month ago and I'm struggling badly. We met online at 23 & 18. I'm Black and Christian while she's Pakistani and comes from a Muslim family/community. We didn't really discuss religion much for years until the topic of her parents became a prominent issue and then it was revealed years into the relationship that she is an atheist, which I struggled with for a bit, but given all of the religious trauma she endured, I looked past it and accepted her as she was. Something her parents would never do.

She broke up with me mid-May because her parents are extremely strict and fully expect her to marry a Pakistani Muslim guy. They don't know that she is atheist because she's too terrified to tell them due to judgment and them also being heart patients. They also don't know that she doesn't eat Halal, smokes weed, drinks alcohol, wears provocative clothing, lost her virginity, etc. They also don't know that I ever existed. I have met and hung out with all of her friends. She even has a couple of family members that know I exist (One of which dated a black guy for 5 years then left him to keep the peace in her family... this should've been a red flag and an indication to run but we were so deeply in love that I figured it couldn't happen to me).

I never got a chance to meet her parents and early on I didn't think much of it because she would tell me so many horror stories about her childhood and what they were currently like. She was starting college and still living at home so we figured we'd just postpone meeting and deal with it later. I also didn't feel any urgency because I felt that she needed to have so many other serious conversations with them before bringing me into the picture.

Over the first five years, everything was great and I knew around year four that I wanted to marry her. She still hadn't communicated any of the secrets she'd been holding in for years to her parents and we just kept saying "we'll figure it out"... unfortunately she never really got the courage to stand up to her parents. Every time they disagreed with her, her mother would manipulate the conversations by instantly crying or making my girlfriend's stressors all about her and her father would do nothing to defend her. They would constantly belitte her and treat her like a child. They constantly tried to force marriage proposals onto her even after she repeatedly told them that she would never be interested. Even when she wanted to move out of their house, her mom suggested she just get an airbnb for the weekend to get it out of her system. Over time, this just kind of caused my girlfriend to become extremely avoidant and nonconfrontational with them. She was so afraid that even asked me if I'd be willing to fake convert to appease them and make everything easier. Out of love, I agreed for a couple of months until I snapped out of it and realized how disrespectful that would be to her parents, their religion, and a lack of respect for my beliefs as well. For show or not, she wanted me to openly disown my beliefs so her parents can be at peace and the community they're associated with would have less to say. Because screw how that would make me feel mentally and spiritually. Screw how disrespectful and low that would make me feel. Screw how that would make me look to my mother and grandmother and the example I'd be setting for my sisters. You resent your parents so much yet you ask me to do that.

Around the same time that she was trying to move out, her friendships with two of her three best friends that she's had since middle school ended. One of her friends had a drinking problem which led to my girlfriend having to be the babysitter friend and when trying to hold her friends accountable, the friends got defensive and ended their 10+ year friendship abruptly. This caused her to spiral into a deep depression and this is where things started to take a turn for us. I had to not only be her boyfriend and best friend, but also help her cope and try to do even more in an attempt to fill the holes that they left in her life. Between this, the drama with her parents, and wanting to move out, she struggled with self-harm and regularly wanted to end her own life. We would spend hours on the phone every night while I desperately tried to give her hope and encouragement to keep going another day and another day. She said that she was grateful for everything but I noticed that she started critiquing me so much more. Most of these comments were related to how I wasn't able to replace her friends and how I wasn't able to hang out on a moment's notice. They lived in the same neighborhood and their schedules were wide open. I was working for DoD in a SCIF five days a week and had limited access to phones. There was only so much availability during the week and I would still come and see her after work as much as I could.

I encouraged her to finally move out and even gave her my entire paycheck to purchase her new furniture so she wouldn't have to settle for cheap items or be without a couch or tv for a month. Her parents weren't very supportive of her move but it went as painless as possible. After she moved in, everything felt like bliss. She got away from her parents which was an amazing achievement that she never thought she would be able to survive to achieve.

About six months into her living alone (year 6), the depression got severely worse. Extreme crying episodes, lashing out, self harm. I was her only visitor on a regular basis since two of her three friendships ended. Her other friend who is also a Pakistani Muslim was in the same situation at home with abusive and controlling parents. During the friendship breakup, she was nowhere to be found even though she knew my girlfriend was suffering. And when my girlfriend moved out, her friend's parents forbade her from visiting her apartment because they believed that women should not move out of the house alone unless they are married or have the supervision of a trusted male. This was very damaging to my girlfriend, especially because this same friend would lie to her parents about her whereabouts to go hookup with people, but wouldn't make any efforts to come see her best friend since childhood. My girlfriend called her out on it twice and her friend made no changes. This furthered the depression.

By year seven, the depression was at a dangerous level. Being lonely, stressing about how she's going to ever build up the courage to be true to herself and also present me to her parents. She was also working a job she hated. She wasn't able to take care of herself properly. During this time, I felt like I had transitioned from a boyfriend to now being a big brother, a life coach, and a motivational speaker desperately trying to inspire her to keep pushing. We lived an hour apart and I would make that drive multiple times a week, bringing her food, medicine, running her errands, getting groceries, cleaning up all her trash and empty water bottles and food, folding her laundry, washing dishes, being her handyman, encouraging her through the worst suicidal episodes imaginable, all while she refused to seek help from a therapist or speak up to her parents. I did all of this out of love for her because I wanted to show her that through all stages, I was here for her. I wanted to show her that I was not only here for her emotionally, but willing to do all the other things she couldn't find the strength to do. To show her that I was intentional and truly her future husband through sickness and health. I also encouraged her to hop on Bumble and try to make new friends to properly fill the friendship void with other girls with similar interests.

We would talk every day and she would vent about the same things that she refused to take action on out of fear and being nonconfrontational. Many of these conversations would instantly free her of so much bondage and built up resentment towards her parents if shebwould just go through with them. These conversations would both liberate her from cultural and religious expectations she didn't even believe in and open the door for me to be introduced. I was patient with her for years and always told her that she would eventually get the courage to speak up but it never came. She would also constantly crtivize me becausenI started coming over with very low energy while she would be ecstatic to see me. I was exhausted from managing the physical and emotional loads without much help. We didn't have many open discussions about it because how do I complain to her while she's already battling so much?

After a few more months passed, I was finally able to persuade her to find a therapist and she finally did. There were no major changes but it was a start! It gave us both hope for our future. After a year and a half of doing everything in my power to hold her up and make sure that she made it through each day alive, she finally had a breakthrough and she had a month where she seemed entirely okay. Leading up to this, I was deep in fight or flight mode when it came to my own mental health. There was no space for it and after that first month of her being seemingly stable, I let my guard down and completely crashed. It's like my body gave out entirely. I had no energy for a couple of months. I barely had much to talk about, not much energy to do anything. I looked into what was happening and apparently I had compassion fatigue. I needed so much help supporting her over the past three years and I had little to none. She talked to her therapist once a week for an hour but I took on the brunt and it showed. She wouldn't open up to her parents, she wouldn't open up to her bestfriend or any of the new friends she made. I was the sole line of defense.

She noticed how defeated and burnt out I was and she tried to have a heart to heart. She understood that I sacrificed so much of myself for years to keep her stable, so it was her turn to hold me up. She also made a comment that she felt like I was punishing her for being depressed. My nervous system is actively being overwhelmed and my body is in shock and you're making it about you somehow. I didn't get mad at her though. I just reassured her that I loved her, wasn't punishing her and that I was going to try to get better. Over the next couple months (now in 2026) she encouraged me to seek therapy. We kept butting heads and struggled to hold many meaningful conversations. I also frequently got overwhelmed when looking for therapists and it took me quite a while. She also said she wanted to try couples therapy.

In March (I think), her best friend got engaged to a Muslim guy she had only known for a month and we're pretty sure she did it to escape her parents. My girlfriend knew that once her best friend got married, her own parents were going to harass the hell out of her to get married. This caused more stress, on top of her needing to find a new job, on top of her financial troubles, on top of being the maid of honor. The perfect hell storm. Everything was high stress, she would make comments about not wanting to live anymore, not feeling like being bothered with more appointments, wanting to be medicated etc. I encouraged her and supported her to the best of my abilities regardless of what I was going through. Also, a few weeks before the wedding announcement, her therapist out her on meds. My girlfriend and her therapist also came to the conclusion that she would finally introduce me to her parents no later than the end of this year.

That gave us more hope. She even went as far as talking to her parents and hinting at being with someone and him potentially not being Muslim. We were stressed out but we still had fun, we still went out regularly, we still bonded, made love, played Fortnite together, went on multiple vacations, had amazing meaningful anniversaries that felt like reminders to keep pushing... until May came around. By May, I had found a potential therapist for myself and found a couples therapist. She was extremely stressed about this fast-tracked wedding so I decided to wait until the wedding was over to bring it up to her.

The wedding was May 10th, she broke up with me May 13th around 1AM. Earlier the day before, I came over and she was very cold. And she had honestly been acting strange for a couple of weeks and would say she was fine. I figured it was side effects from the medicine. You know that episode of Fairly Oddparents where Timmy wishes for no emotions so he could achieve a bunch of things without fear. It was like that. That evening, we had gone to the movies and she wouldn't hold my hand the way we usually would. And when we went back to her apartment, we were ironically watching Something Very Bad Is Going To Happen and she wouldn't cuddle me or really respond much. We fell asleep watching it and when we woke up around 1AM, she stopped me with tears in her eyes and told me that we had to end things. It was late and I could see the pain in her eyes so I gave her a hug and a kiss, said I understood and left.

Over the first week, I'm sick to my stomach, I'm not eating, drinking, sleeping or doing anything to take care of myself because I just can't. We talked and I had told her how I had found therapists but was waiting tiil after the wedding to not overwhelm her, how I wanted to plan more trips to try to deal with our temporary stress and try to figure out how to keep us together. She revealed that she felt like the relationship failing was 99% her fault and that she should've never gotten with me in the first place. She revealed that she resented me for temporarily agreeing to convert and then changing my mind after further reflection, she resented I didn't get therapy sooner even though it took her two years to get one after nonstop requests. She resented that I didn't put in the proper initiative to learn more about her culture and learn Urdu. That one was true but I was spending nearly every day trying to heal her from her culture and defend her from her parents and all the generational trauma caused by her culture, so it was hard for me to show interest when most of our conversations about it were so negative. And I just didn't have the capacity to learn a new language while also balancing my life, doing everything I had to for her, and trying to keep my sanity. I frequently had to self soothe through gaming to ever feel like I was getting a break from stress. She said that her main reason is her parents and she doesn't think she can go through with breaking their hearts. She said that her new goal is to meet another guy who's from a Muslim family but is also secretly atheist because that would be easier for her. She seems totally fine with throwing away 8 years with someone who has shown her unconditional love through all her trials and tribulations and all of her newfound self discoveries. Someone who was willing to sacrifice their mental health for 3 years just to set us up for the next 30. Her parents abused her so much growing up, even into adulthood and would never accept or respect her true authentic self. She's said so many times that while she loves them dearly, life would be easier without them. That she wishes she was born into a different family entirely. Why am I getting the short end of the stick? I've poured so much into her cup and all I get back is piss in mine? She has openly admitted that I've shown her more love in 8vyears than they've shown her in 26. Why is my life getting ripped apart for their comfort?

The first month was extremely brutal for me. I started therapy and it feels so surface level. My now ex girlfriend and I would still text but she would leave me on read or delivered constantly so I would eventually just unsend my messages. Our official 8 year mark would've been June 1st. I saw some threads about people going out alone as a tribute to what would've been their anniversary so I went to a steakhouse alone which was a huge mistake because the entire time, I just felt this extreme urge to just send myself to God right at that table. I cried in the car before going in, I cried a little at the table and when I got back to the car.

A week later, she called me and said she had just finished hanging out with some friends. It was around midnight and she said that she was touch starved. As was I, so I came over and we had the most passionate sex we have had in the past six months. From there, we were kind of texting normally and then a week or two later, we decided to go see a movie together. After the movie, we kissed and I asked her if she wanted to go back to her place. She then asked me how I would feel about hooking up with her if she was on a dating app talking to guys or flirting with guys at bars when she goes out with friends. She explained that I was the only guy she'd ever been with and that she was trying to fillcthe void and had no intent of actually meeting anyone in person. Why are you trying to fill a void if I'm right in front of you? 8 years doesn't just happen by chance.

I kind of shut down and instantly got sad but I sort of held it together because I was having a good night up to that point and also really wanted her. I told her that as long as she hadn't kissed or had sex with anyone up to that point, I didn't see how that affected the night and that I'd have to reflect on that another time. She also told me that she was on some forum and met a guy in the UK that was in the same situation and they discussed marriage. She said she felt extremely guilty because she felt excited about the prospect of being able to bring someone home without the chaos. She was so excited that she foolishly told her mom about the guy and it completely fell through immediately after. And the most crushing thing her mom said was "I feel bad for saying this but I'm so relieved. I thought you were going to say you wanted to marry a Christian man"... you have no idea how much that crushed me. How little I felt. We had a weird moment, we still went back to her place that night and hooked up, cuddled and watched Love Island, had a very passionate kiss and I left.

We talked about seeing each other again and the plans fell through. Not a big deal. It was a Friday. Work went well. I decided to put on one of my favorite outfits, wear my favorite colognes and try to take myself out again. Halfway down the highway and I was absolutely crushed by loneliness and grief and I turned back around. We were texting and I alluded to something being wrong and she typically would call me. We texted later that night and she thought that I was sad that our potential plans got canceled and I told her that I was crushed because our life plans got canceled. She didn't text me again until 16 hours later and just sent me a "sorry" right before she went to the bar with her friends.

This destroyed me even further. I felt so irrelevant in her life for the first time in 8 years. I was broken. I gave her message a thumbs up and I just went radio silent for two days. My mind was all over the place. She had gone to brunch. She couldn't have texted me before that or after brunch? You had all day and all you do is send me such a careless "sorry" before you go out to bars to be flirted with. She had texted me a couple times while I wasn't replying but still no call. Very surface level. Felt like I was talking to a robot. I didn't have the capacity to respond yet. My therpaist told me to journal and write letters as if I was sending it to her and I did. But I sent it for real. Thirty pages pouring my heart out, conveying how broken I was. How hurt and defeated I felt. How I couldn't understand the breakup and how she chose the people she resents over someone who loves her unconditionally just to make the wedding and initial marriage process easier. Why didn't she listen when I begged her to enlist her parents or friends or get a therapist sooner. Why would she hop on a dating app within a month of ending 8 years. So much pain, so much confusion.

When I sent the message, I told her that I understood that it was a lot and didn't really expect a reply but I needed her to know how I felt. I still expected somebtype of real response but I didn't want to pressure her or argue. Of course, she disappointed. All she said was "I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused" to thirty fucking pages and now wants to go no contact for the next month so she can "move on and I can sort through my feelings" and then have some type of checkup in August.

I'm so fucking hurt and pissed. I feel so betrayed. All of my 20s down the drain with nothing to show for it. I was sold a dream and allowed myself to be a secret for 8 years for someone I thought would be my wife. Now that she's medicated, she seems to have little to no emotion toward me. It's almost like she doesn't care and it feels so heartless like im being punished for something. I have been so patient and so empathetic for years and I can't even get an ounce of reciprocity.

I'm struggling every day to move forward and live, eat, sleep, work. I'm so bitter and I just can't believe it. You don't do this to people. Part of me wants to just go to her parents house and expose everything to them or post everyrhing about us onba public TikTok and hope it blows up and someone close to her sees it but I don't have the evil in my heart to do it. Even her friends are shaken and feel like she needs to thoroughly consider what the hell she's doing.

I dont know how to move forward. Before all of this, she was amazing. Loyal, hilarious, beautiful, kind, supportive of me at my lowest. She was with me from unemployment up to now making six figures and I wanted to give her the world. She could cook, she could dance, she opened me up to so many new experiences. She was also a virgin when we met and now she's going to eventually be having sex with other guys. I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.. and on the furniture that I paid for at that. Is this what divorce feels like? I'm about to fucking snap. There's probably some guy texting her on dating apps making her smile. She cut off her location sharing and I'm on my last reason. Every day feels like a year and I just cant do it anymore. I believed in her more than she believed in us and nothing reveals character more than how you treat someone you don't think you need. I feel like absolute trash and I just cry all day everyday.

Edit: typos. I'm sure there's a few more in there. It was just a lot to write. Sorry about that.

Heart shattered after 8 long years..

8 YEARS - I sacrificed all of my 20s and my mental health and she spit in my face

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