u/xxr4t_p01s0nxx

I am wondering if I should take a risk to reach my goal. Will it backfire? Will I be successful? Let me know if there is any information that can be taken from my chart to help me proceed.

So it all started with the classic heartburn. The longer this episode went on for the more the muscles around my heart hurt. Even when I’m not coughing, it hurts to even move or breathe. And ofc it hurts more when I am coughing. I can also feel it in my back, like around my shoulder blade. Has anyone experienced this and if so, what helped?

Posting a comment I made on a post on here regarding self sabotage in romantic relationships.

I feel so horrible about it. I tend to go into problem solving and when I don't see that reciprocated, I feel abandoned. I then end up subconsciously "testing" my partner to see if they will ever care for me the way I care for them and when I don't see that, I get spiteful. It build up over time and then I just can't take it anymore and I split and sabotage the relationship. Even if someone is patient with me, kind to me and willing to keep working things out. If I don't see effort in the way I want, I start to lose feelings and start hating myself for being the way I am and for reacting in this way. I try to make them hate me so they can leave bc I'm too scared to make that decision myself. I ended up ending the relationship anyways. Perhaps it way for the best and at the same time, there was a chance for a future between us. I think about this everyday day and it's almost been half a year. They're the most beautiful and loving person ever and I threw it away due to my self hatred and not being able to accept love, as I lost any love I had for myself while constantly splitting. Although a reason things had to end was bc I personally didn't see effort or mindfulness from them within this conflict, it still hurts an incredible amount bc at the end of the day, although neither of us were to blame and we hurt each other and ourselves by how we reacted to the situation, we are both humans, we both make mistakes and I simply couldn't live with myself knowing I did this to them and would most likely continue to do so if we stayed together. I was unwilling to work things out with someone who was unwilling to show up in a similar way as me. They didn’t take initiative on how to move forward, didn’t show growth and I was only able to be patient on that until I wasn’t anymore. It became so frustrating. And yes, I would project what I was unable to do with myself on them, I heard the empty promises and action was not taken by them. I keep blaming myself, it’s not just on me since she is also a part of the relationship. I think it was definitely important for me to figure things out on my own without the conflict, I feel guilt and shame bc maybe I just didn't try hard enough to cope in a healthier way. It all felt catastrophic and that's on me too. I'm still so conflicted and confused on it all. I wish things were clearer. I wish I could actually work things through with those I hold dearest to me instead of blowing everything up. All I can do now is to use this experience to find things I want to work on. I want to reach out to them so bad, say we should date again. I also understand that I've already sent them on a rollercoaster with all my emotions, so it wouldn’t be fair to start things again. Would it tho, if we were both willing. We almost got back together and then I let my insecurities take over. I could talk about this for hours. I don't think I'll find peace within justifying how things went down. Or maybe I will. I don't know. I'm just absolutely exhausted.