u/zekkuzenka

I have changed a lot in the past couple of years. There is so much I've learned about myself and so much I've done to "get better". I have better control over myself than ever, I seem so put together. I control my impulsivity, my emotional intelligence is excellent now and when I spiral I don't let it show. But that is all I can do. All I can do is make sure I seem normal. All I can do is seem like there is nothing going on or that I have this mental illness all under control.

None of this takes away the pain for me. I may not show it, I may seem "better" but holy shit. I don't feel it. I do recognize some things internally have gotten more manageable but just because they've gotten more manageable doesn't mean they have gotten less painful. Having to remind myself to be normal and have a white knuckled grip on life trying to just control myself is even more painful, it feels like. It's so hard. The emotions I feel, the way they trigger, the thoughts I have, it feels like they will never go away. It's so exhausting trying to be normal. It's so physically painful for me. It physically hurts my heart. But I'm doing it.

Everyday it feels like there is something inside of me clawing at me, waiting to burst. Just at the edge. I keep it inside every single time, but it is ALWAYS there. The dread, the build up, the swarm of all these emotions. Waiting. Hurting me.

Trying to be normal hurts.

I will preface this by saying no, I'm not pregnant and never have been. I am "recovered" (not really) but even when I was mostly normal, every single morning without fail I would be so nauseous. I was never like this before my ED. I will be hovering over the sink for minutes, drooling like a dog and using all my muscles JUST to not throw up. I don't like throwing up. This happens every time I wake up. Does anybody else experience this?

I started 30mg of cymbalta only four days ago, just for my fibromyalgia. I've taken other meds before and it has never helped me. Exercise is the only thing thats improved my Fibromyalgia but obviously it doesn't go away. I feel nothing all over my entire body. I pinch my skin and I slap myself and I feel NOTHING. It is absolutely horrifying. At this point I'd rather feel the pain of my chronic condition than never feel a single sensation all over my body for the rest of my life.