u/zombiemaxxer

im trans (ftm), which is maybe why, but i dont know if it should be this extreme. im really sensitive about my genitals, ive never looked (i have a lot of hair ive never shaved) or touched it in my life except for washing, which resume to scrubbing aggressively for 5 sec and hoping itll be enough. TMI but i tried touching it directly when i was in the mood one day, and almost threw up and started crying. it disgusts me, i hate it. just thinking about having to touch it directly gives me nausea. i dread relationships because im scared my partner wont wait until i feel ready. and even then i dont know if i will ever “feel ready”. because its been like this all my life and i dont know what to do about it. because i dont understand why im like this. ive never experienced sexual assault. it doesnt disgust me at all on other people, just me. and i cant talk about it out loud for some reason either. i feel trapped. its been like this since im a kid, i used to not wash it at all and get UTIs. as a teenager i thought it would get better as an adult. now im 20 and i want to get over it but i dont know how to since it doesnt come from anything i could resolve. i just wish i was normal

> be me at uni
> partner up with the shy guy of the class who doesn’t talk to anyone
> very introverted
> long luscious and beautiful hair
> let his nails grow long, they’re healthy and beautiful
> has a very feminine voice but in a girl way and not in a gay way if that makes sense
> sits with his legs crossed, laugh softly hiding his mouth with his hand, often stands on one leg which makes his hips look bigger
> is very soft and gentle in general in the way he acts and talk

i tell myself to let a guy be feminine but like. i tried to send him hints im a poon but to no avail