r/AvoidantAttachment

i’ve been in a relationship with a lovely secure guy who has been everything i’ve dreamed of. supportive, patient, understanding, communicative. he sat through my early relationship anxiety, my jealousy, a few times i’ve withdrawn and eventually come back… and now we’re hitting my magic 1,5 year mark where all of my previous relationships have ended. and i can sense the avoidant freakout creeping in when nothing truly is wrong. i realised i’ve never before made past the honeymoon and i really want to this time. i’ve finally found someone i want to do this right for. but the urges to run, the grief over the lost spark, the growing irritation, all of it is just making things very hazy in my head right now and i feel so damn guilty. i feel like he deserves much better than this.

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules:

• AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Share your wins and successes here!

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules:

• AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with a person, and whenever we have in-person time, my emotions become less intense, and I detach a bit. When we're apart, i long for him and cherish every little message or picture i get from him.

Does anyone else experience this? My plan IS to have a long-term partnership and to eventually share a life together, but how can I when I lose interest whenever we see each other?.... We've been together for a year, and see each other every few months.

I commented a few days ago somewhere that I'd started therapy and medication. I have since improved by leaps and bounds. However, (is this the avoidant perfectionism kicking in?) it's ... not exactly what I hoped for, at least not yet.

See, I have a feeling that my therapist isn't AT informed. I mentioned being a fearful avoidant a few times and she didn't say anything on it. I'm not going to be surprised if she regards it as a lightweight theory, as education in this corner of the world tends to be hilariously outdated and traditional (heck, people still think mental health issues can be prayed away and still openly bash avoidants). I'm not going to be surprised, but I will be hurt because looking into AT is what started me on my healing journey.

We're currently focusing on my struggles with PMDD. I greatly appreciate that I can spot patterns and have healthy guesses to what my hormones are up to on a given day, but there's a part of me that's whining to move on to the attachment issues and the generational trauma and the dissection of childhood shenanigans that made me clam up and dislike people.

Doesn't help that due to budget constraints, we only talk once a month. Maybe (omg ew is this my anxious side coming out? lol) I'm being impatient. We've only met four times so far.

Can I switch therapists? I doubt. Again, it's only been four sessions, so it feels too early to give up and shift. But I don't really see mental health professionals here putting AT as a specialization of theirs, either. And the one doc that I know does specialize in AT? She's probably being swamped because someone recommended her on a thread somewhere. Sighhhh.

Can I at least vent to friends? I don't want to dump on my SO, my soul sister has depression, my mentor figures are busy, my AP friend and my family are out of the question, and most of my other friends ... nah. I mean, my SO has said that it's okay for me to tell him things, and I've bookmarked and re-re-rewatched Heidi Priebe's video on "how to not emotionally dump," but it just feels un-okay in my bones. (I may look into this hmmm)

I could journal, yeah ... I'm just not so consistent about it because I really run out of energy at times. Or I'm too busy numbing myself doomscrolling trolololol

And so ... it pains me to admit to AI usage, but I've been firing prompts at Gemini as a supplement. I have heard of those cases of people jumping off the deep end because of overusing AI, and I do know that AI isn't exactly environmentally-friendly, and aaaaargh. :(

I'm currently seeing 2 women who I feel both are great and that I feel like have potential to become something serious - which is what I'm looking for.

My problem is that I feel naturally attracted to person 1 (w33), who has said of herself that she is avoidant and has never had a long-term relationship and where I see more compatibility issues (morning person vs. evening person, different lifestyles). I feel I adore her, even for fairly ordinary things (e.g. her overcoming the fear of driving a car which is something I'm kind of struggling with). I appreciate her being vulnerable around me, and feel comfortable also sharing my challenges. Her vulnerability also triggers some sort of protector instinct in me (I can fix her :D). I told her on our third date that I feel strangely/naturally attracted to her to which she didn't really react and generally said she needs time, which is kind of fair enough, but I would expect some attraction to be a basic requirement for a relationship. Which brings me to person 2 (w33)..

I've now had 5 dates with her and on paper we are compatible on many levels, more than with person 1. We are on the same wavelength on humour and I also feel comfortable around her, although our conversations have not gone to as much depth in terms of vulnerabilities. However, once I'm alone I start ruminating that I don't feel as attracted to her as person 1, although she promises to be a better partner on paper (secure attachment, more similar lifestyles). For example I don't feel admiration for her being able to drive a car, because to her it's never been a challenge but just a normal thing. I guess I haven't seen her vulnerable side. I do definitely feel lust for her, but am not as clear with my romantic feelings for her.

So I'm really struggling to differentiate whether I'm genuinely attracted to person 1 or whether it's my avoidance patterns activating and being attracted to the person with a lower probability of a successful long-term relationship, so as to avoid intimacy in the long term and that I feel less attracted to the person who promises a safe and healthy relationship due to my avoidance. Also I'm afraid to get serious with person 2 just to find out 1-2 months down the line that that initial lack of attraction never gets better and kills me inside until I have to end things - a pattern that I have been repeating too many times now.

In any case I feel inclined to go with my gut feel and choose person 1.. At the same time I'm afraid of walking into the avoidant pattern trap!

Sometimes I think that neither of them might be the right one and I should look around again.. Or just stay single for a while until I can navigate these things without getting overwhelmed.

Just wanted to write these thoughts down and would appreciate any outside perspective!

I wondered how that feels, cause like i can sext someone n not be triggered right cause they r not next to me, they r not touching my body so sexting its like nothing really, but when they reply with “i wonder how you would look like when u do that” its so SJSJSJJSK to me, cause like i cant understand how someone can feel so much pleasure n stay so much in a very intimate moment? bcs i personally would feel like running 😭😭 For people that are on their healing journey from being DA, do u still feel like running from the intimacy in a romantic relationship or did u learn to stay in that and also enjoy it? when it will get better fr? ☹️

I made another mistake at work accidentally leaving early again. I noticed I was more concerned with disappointing my leads than losing hours.

But then I really sat and thought about it for the last 3 weeks they've repeatedly shown genuine concern about me as a person. Asking me if I'm okay, asking me if I'm feeling discouraged because of feedback, telling me other options for departments so I can get full time

I'm still feeling hard on myself about today but I really been focusing on how positively I'm treated and spoken about here. Even behind my back I found out leads expressing genuine affection for me and it caused me to cry

I also remember freezing when I saw my supervisor giving my coworkers a hug but she seemed empathic about me not wanting one. It's like I'm not used to being treated like... A person

I also noticed all of this made me realize I'm used to functioning while exhausted. Not eating, not sleeping, being broke, smiling when I feel like shit, worrying about people's feelings and perception of me over my own physical needs. Safety and positive reinforcement makes me feel weak and exposed

I know I'm regarded as a daughter figure to people here so I dislike being underestimated, seen as less capable than others, being underestimated etc. I want to be seen as strong and capable like my family but I'm realizing this isnt even healthy

I grew up with emotions being punished, rest being punished (yes my grandma would angrily wake me up for taking a nap), mistakes being punished, everyone suffering silently, pushing through and working very hard just to get by despite burnout. I even realized I've picked up my mom's caffeine addiction

Still feeling pretty bleh about things. I don't even really care about losing hours right now I just don't want my reputation of being punctual and reliable being effected 🥲. I'd love to hear you guy's experiences and findings on this topic in the replies, how does safety, positivity, and vulnerability effect you?

I am currently dating a guy and we have gotten intimate with each other and it’s really my first time I have experienced such intimacy like this. He is the sweetest guy you could ask for and most caring, but I don’t feel anything internally. I was crying because he was leaving for his transfer college miles away and I’m conflicted because how can I feel nothing while still thinking about him and then crying for him. He respects me and I talk to him about everything regarding my feelings. I’ve told him I liked him, but I don’t know what I want. I think I’m confused because what is love supposed to feel like? I’ve had severe depression since childhood and it’s better now, but I wonder if that is what numbed my feelings. I am scared to engage in intimacy. I don’t know, it just really makes me hate myself. My family is not loving and is emotionally distant so I wonder if that is what contributes to it. I’m hoping to go further with him hoping to see if I evolve along the way.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁