r/AvoidantAttachment

As far back as I can remember I never really wanted kids. I didn’t play with baby dolls as a child and as a teenager I told everyone I would never have children, lol. It’s only in the last few years I’ve started to consider it, and am very much on the fence. I’m in a relationship with someone I can see myself with for the rest of my life, and he does want children. I’m only 23 so a decision doesn’t need to be made right now, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I just feel like a lot of the reasons I have against having children are similar to the fears I have in relationships that are related to my avoidance - loss of independence, fear of regret, fear that I’ll change my mind later on. I don’t want to make a decision based on fear or avoidance. But I don’t really know how to separate my avoidance from this decision either, and trying to trust my “intuition” hasn’t always led me down the right path in the past. Wondering about how other avoidants have handled it.

I attended a wedding recently, and I was so touched by the thought and detail that the couple put into everything. They truly cared for the individual well-being of their guests, including sweet handwritten notes on everyone's plate (they made me cry twice--once for mine, and once reading my partner's). It was a beautiful ceremony, and, because we have a ton of mutual friends, it was like a reunion party. Between the couple's thoughtfulness and my friends all expressing to me that they feel like they haven't seen much of me in the past few years (which is true), I left with an intention to better nurture my friendships.

Intention is one thing, and action is another. I need a system in place to reinforce the intention on a regular basis, and I'd love to know how others are managing their relationships. Obviously, no spreadsheet or app is going to magically overcome a fearful avoidant attachment style, but repeated positive interactions should help me to inch closer to being secure in my relationships. Plus, I'm an extrovert at heart, but I don't have social media, so all my interactions have to come from my own inertia. I just have a lot of fear and anxiety about taking the actions needed to foster emotional intimacy.

At work, I use calendar reminders and blocking for follow ups, but the scale of that may be difficult to replicate in my personal life. I'm looking for a way to help with the day to day admin of a friendship--birthday reminders, notifications if you haven't talked in a while, reminders to follow up on things, and maybe even things they like so you can make tailored plans or buy gifts to let them know you're thinking of them. I know I sound like a robot and a failure of a human here, but obviously relying on my own brain is not working.

Please let me know what tools, systems, and tips you have for keeping up with your friendships!

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules:

• AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

As the title says, how??

I havent had sex in my entire life, due to me healing from this attachment style, its hard to let myself be vulnerable, feel, Id feel that every move of mine is judged somehow or idk😭😭 I dont like this feeling

For avoidants who cant have sex w someone unless there’s an emotional connection (like not ons and stuff, even tho im not judging this) and had sex, how was ur first time?

Could u let yourself feel, enjoy and be in the present moment??

Sorry if its tmi but i dont even know how i moan or if i moan, but the most important if i would let myself moan😭😭 ughh

For me is the thing that id freeze and obviously wont be able to enjoy it, Id think that every move of mine is being judged and obviously seen and i do have this lump in my throat when I think about it 😭

Ugh and also someone fully seeing u, i dont think i could stay that much in that very sexual and vulnerable energy🤡

Help? Any advice would be helpful! Feel free to even dm me about it, id be happy to know ur experiences and that overcoming this can happen!!

Thank u for reading all this! :’)

Wasn't sure what tag to use. Just curious how this is for others. What are the smaller more subtle ways avoidance appears for you?

For example, I resist suggestions that I know are actually good for me just because I feel like it interrupts my sense of agency. It's silly, but I do it.

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules:

• AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁