r/CigarettesAfterSex

I last saw them in 2023 and I am itching to go see them again

I have no idea why I thought this. The only reasoning is because I thought from their vibe and accent they sounded British 😭

I’ve been a devout fan for many months and swear I looked it up and it said Greg was from London 😭

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need to tell someone because I don't feel like I have anyone I can truly lean on right now. I feel like people in this subreddit have more empathy and emotional awareness.

I came back to my home country after spending a year in the U.S. as an exchange student, and I really thought coming home would make me feel better. Instead, I feel like I'm grieving. I kept imagining that maybe things would've changed while I was gone, but they didn't.

My older brother is 29. He had cancer a few years ago and thankfully he's cancer-free now, but he spends every day at home scrolling on his phone, eating, and avoiding life. He has no friends, no girlfriend, no job, and doesn't even seem interested in trying. Sometimes he'll randomly say things like, "I don't deserve anything," or "What am I going to do when Dad dies?" and those are literally the same things my dad used to tell him while insulting him. It feels like those words became his inner voice. I don't think he's lazy. I think he stopped believing he deserves a life.

My other brother is 27. He works with my dad but has no motivation or goals either. My mom still has to remind him to get a haircut or do basic things. Sometimes she practically begs him. It feels like everyone in my family is just existing instead of living.

Then I came back to my village. It's extremely traditional in the worst ways. Girls get married ridiculously young. Women get judged over tiny things. Education isn't valued. Nobody really cares about ideas, values, or politics. Most conversations revolve around weddings and gossip.

When I got home, my family threw a huge celebration. So many relatives came over, but almost nobody asked me a single question about living in America. Nobody asked what I learned, what surprised me, or how I changed. Instead, everyone spent hours talking about someone else's wedding. Some relatives even told me I shouldn't study abroad for university because my mom suffered while I was away. They said I should just stay here.

The worst part is that my mom says the same thing. She keeps bringing up my cousin, who studied abroad, became a corporate lawyer, loved her job, and then eventually came back because of family pressure. Now she doesn't even work anymore and honestly seems miserable. My mom says my aunt regrets ever letting her leave. Hearing that scares me because I feel like everyone expects women to eventually come home, get married, and make themselves smaller.

The thing is, my family didn't just affect my childhood. They affected my exchange year too. I had panic attacks and anxiety attacks. There was a period when I cried almost every day. I was so emotionally exhausted that I started taking antidepressants, but I had to stop because of the rules of my exchange organization. Nobody knew. Not my host family, not my friends, not the organization. I just kept pretending I was okay.

I also talked to my mom every single day. Most exchange students called their families maybe once a week, but I couldn't because she was so anxious all the time. Every day she'd say things like, "Only three months left," or "Only two months left," like I was counting down the days in prison instead of living one of the biggest experiences of my life. I know she missed me and loved me, but I constantly felt responsible for making her feel okay, and it made it so much harder to actually enjoy where I was.

I love my mom, but I'm also angry at her. She's always been extremely overprotective. She doesn't want me traveling alone, sometimes still wants to decide what I wear, and babies all of us even though my brothers are almost 30. At the same time, she sacrificed her whole life. My dad cheated on her multiple times, and she stayed. She never became financially independent, and watching that happen made me terrified of ever depending on anyone. It's one of the biggest reasons I care so much about education and building a career. Ironically, she's also the one telling me not to study so much and asking why I can't just stay here.

And then there's my dad. I honestly can't stand him. He wants to spend time with me, plans family vacations, acts like everything is normal, and my mom keeps asking me to forgive him. I've tried, but I can't. Every time he acts like we're this happy family, I just feel disgust. I can't forget what he did to my mom, and I can't pretend it didn't shape my entire childhood.

Lately I've realized that I don't even dream about being wildly successful anymore. I used to think I wanted some huge career and extraordinary life. Now I just want an education, financial independence, a stable job, and someone I feel safe with. That's it. But even that feels impossible where I live. Romantic relationships are so controlled here that I'm in my twenties and I've never even held a guy's hand.

Sometimes I crave closeness so much that I start thinking about anything that could make me feel different. Cigarettes. Alcohol. Falling in love with someone who makes me feel safe. I know those aren't healthy solutions. I know they won't actually fix anything. I'm just so tired of always surviving and always trying to be the good girl.

Sometimes I don't want to be alive anymore. Those feelings never last very long, and they're almost always followed by this overwhelming desire to completely change my life. I don't think I actually want to die. I think I just want a life that doesn't feel like something I have to escape from all the time.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. Maybe I just wanted at least one place where I didn't have to pretend that everything is okay.