Today, in "trying to keep from fucking up too much", I attempt to save my job of 18 years
I recently posted about being fired. Well apparently there was a grievance hearing scheduled. So given that this might be my last chance to advocate for myself (instead of letting myself remain resigned to losing my job as I have been) I decided "yes ... I WOULD like to know I tried my best." So I gathered documentation of my treatment efforts over the years and committed myself to laying it all out on the table, and here is what I said:
I understand why my attendance has become a serious concern, and I am not here to excuse it. I take responsibility for it.
But because this may be my last opportunity to speak about this, I would like you to understand what has been behind it and what I have been doing to change it.
I have been at (where? Where have I been? Sometimes I can't remember ... memory is shot) for 18 years. I care deeply about this job. It has given me stability, health insurance, a pension, relationships, and a sense of purpose. And my behavior at work reflects that. I am rarely late, I rarely ask to leave early, and when I am here, I want to be here and do my job well. Last year I received a certificate recognizing over ten years injury-free. I hope that gives some perspective on the kind of employee I have been when I am able to be at work.
The problem I have been fighting is a longstanding stimulant-use disorder that has become deeply intertwined with compulsive sexual behavior. For me, these aren't two separate problems. They reinforce each other, and I've learned that treating only the substance-use component doesn't address the entire cycle.
When I relapse, it can become a prolonged episode involving very little sleep, inadequate food and hydration, and very poor self-care. I have sometimes reached a point where I could not responsibly come to work until I had slept, eaten, rehydrated, and recovered enough to function normally. The aftermath can also bring significant shame, depression, and psychological distress, which can make the cycle harder to break.
I know none of that removes my responsibility for missing work. What it does is explain why consequences alone have not been enough to stop a problem I have been actively trying to treat.
I have gone to rehab twice in the past year. I have continued psychiatric care, regular therapy, peer support, and other treatment efforts. I also sought specialized treatment for the compulsive sexual component. My insurance would not cover treatment for it, and I paid nearly $1,000 to see a specialist who ultimately told me he could not provide the help I needed. I have also incurred several thousand dollars in treatment expenses that I am still paying off. I did not give up on treatment when it became expensive, difficult, or when one treatment approach failed.
I also learned that days off were a particular vulnerability for me. I have usually used vacation time during the year to absorb absences and protect my employment. When I went to rehab, I used my available FMLA time because I was trying to protect this job while getting treatment. I recently discovered that I have exhausted the FMLA time available to me at this time because of it.
Since then, I have been working on concrete barriers to the behavior: blocking access to email, phone numbers, and applications that have been connected to my relapses, and identifying the situations where I am most vulnerable.
I am not asking you to ignore my attendance record. I am asking you to look at the whole employee standing behind it.
I have given 18 years to this company. I have a long record of wanting to work, a decade of being injury-free, and a demonstrated willingness to keep seeking treatment even when it has been difficult, expensive, embarrassing, and unsuccessful at times.
I also understand that by saying these things, I am giving up a great deal of privacy. Addiction is something I have experienced considerable shame about, and I would much rather keep these details private. I am telling you because I care deeply about this job and because I believe this may be my last opportunity to ask you to consider the full circumstances before ending an 18-year employment relationship.
I can not promise that I will never struggle again. What I can promise is that I am taking this seriously, I am continuing to fight it, and I want the opportunity to prove that the work I am doing can translate into sustained attendance.
I am asking you to give me that opportunity.
And you know what the mf said?
"Can't promise anything?! Well that tells me how committed you really are" I said addiction is a chronic medical condition, biatch! And can you believe they still went through with firing me? 😅😩
I was fighting back tears towards the finish -- real tears -- and fighting them back, as in this so obviously isn't for dramatic effect! And they still fired little ol me. And I have gotten little!
Heartless.