r/EndOfTheParTy

I've been relapsing / using more after finding myself after months of sobreity.
I found the things that work and the things that work... mostly it's the confidence/chem sex that gets me to want to use again. I don't have that desire when im not using which makes me feels "ugly"
Sex, especially sober sex, makes me insecure. I also just have shame now with sex because of my use.

But weirdly, I found myself using to also get work done around the house... I find myself focused and being able to clean when I use...So there's that statifaction when I use.... But I can find that feeling without using.

I've going back to a porn cleanse and avoiding hook-up apps.
I've removed contacts from my phone and blocked with people that engage in said practice.

I also told my closest friends about my struggle to have a bit more accountability and pressure from people who mean a lot to me. Who don't want to see me fail and fall into this.

I could use some words of encouragement from you guys and maybe some advice or hear about things that worked for you.

I'd love a buddy to talk about this, if you'd be down for an email penpal... someone who understands what this is like. Please reach out :)

Sorry for the long one , but I recently got diagnosed and I've been on treatment for about a month. What stands between me and abject suffering and an indescribably slow deterioration with every helpful blood cell in my body being wiped out is a thing veil of a few short decades of marginalisation, culture wars, ineffective medication...that became unbelievably effective. I contracted it from someone I know is a bug chaser, I was only at his house because I didn't want to buy my own gear, the sex was just what I tolerated and I knew he had only recently gone back on to his ARVs. I didn't think it was safe, but I did just ignore all the oppression that caused people (particularly gay men like me) to retreat to these dark corners and eventually soulless sex parties with a poor prognosis. Didn't bother to take PeP afterwards because I was ashamed, but I did resume my PrEP and decided to quietly disappear from the scene for 3 months, eventually I got really sick, ended up in A&E twice over 3 weeks for tonsillitis and throat gonorrhoea I got from a dealer I slept with 4-ish months prior.

Used twice since being diagnosed, both times with a frequent partner of mine (using protection because I feel like I'm no longer a complete jackass — still a jackass tho) but man, dare I say I've all of a sudden developed a low tolerance for the side effects, usually it was worth it because I kept the misery machine going to fuel the acute, intermittent and reckless lapses and I'm just fucking tired. Not physically (aside from recovering), I'm young and bounce back every time, but it's like having a conjoined twin attached to me who can only whine and complain, an inescapable yapper who hates everything. The high is also just meh...last time I used I didn't even want to have sex and we didn't do a thing, I just sat on my laptop and worked on a few passion projects and occasionally chatted

It's such a waste of time for me, and we all need to make choices to change our lifestyles at some point in life for the sake of health. For me? Eat well and often eat what I like even if I don't meet protein goals every night. Do I get a chocolate croissant most days? Yeah, I do. Do I put 2 sour patch kids in my medicine box for each morning? Hell yeah. I have also taken naps with my cats when I think I should go to gym and get fit for the festivals ahead? Yep. ITS NOT METH and I can't waste anymore time than I already have. I'll fix that all later (or maybe I won't idk) but I am eating more wholesome and frequent meals, mostly because work booked me off for 1.5 months to recover because if be a liability otherwise 🤣 paid time off with variable job security? Meh, I'll use the time to apply for jobs and up skill (which I'm giving my best shot). I'm tired of sleepwalking through life wondering why I'm pulled back to the dens of men who own too many fucking quirky bongs for it to be endearing (no offense, I adore you whichever way you come) . I might just repurpose my broken one as a vase if it's still in my storage unit somewhere I can't remember, hut honestly. Fuck it all ✨

Consistency is challenging, but I was a consistent mess for years, so I am confident I can turn these lifestyle changes into at least half the consistency I displayed when I was at my worst. Honestly, fuck everything. We are all so small on a cosmic scale and I am literally giving synthetic crystalline fuck rocks more time than they deserve

I now have over twenty-five years stuck with addiction to meth. My life has been a total waste. I have less than nothing to show for it. Over $60k in non-dischargeable student loan debt. No house. No job. No prospects. No nothing.

I’ve been to inpatient rehab six times. It does not work. I’ve been through 12 step programs. They do not work. I’ve tried religious based programs. I’ve tried scientific based programs. I’ve tried anything and everything I could get my hands on. Nothing works.

I’ve a place to live thanks to a housing program for homeless people with HIV. I’ve no food in the kitchen. I’ve got a car thanks to the generosity of my parents. I’ve no gas in the tank. Things have just gotten worse and worse and still no solution is in sight.

If I could make a wish and wipe out my existence completely, I would. The only reason I’m still alive is not to grieve my friends or family.

There’s no path forward. There’s nothing to be done. I don’t know why I’m even here. Why must I suffer so? Why must any of us suffer so? What is the fucking point of any of this? Why is there no answer? What is the goddamn point? Please tell me what I should do that I haven’t done already.

Or if all you have is platitudes and cliches then fuck right off.

Do you think Viagra is not harming your sobriety? Is that okay to take that?