Update: Thanks for convincing me!
So I posted twice here about my upcoming gastroscopy and my fears regarding it. Yesterday was my appointment.
I cried a lot before it started, but I took the throat spray just fine. I took conscious sedation as an option, but even with conscious sedation I was too aware. as soon as they tried inserting the endoscope I pushed them away, pulled back, basically I was in survival mode. The doctors ended up deciding that in the interest of my safety, they couldn't perform the procedure.
I was heartbroken and couldn't stop sobbing for like 40 minutes. I just want this to be dealt with, it's been a year and a half! I want to know! But now we have to wait for a second referral that (hopefully) features a request for an anesthesiologist. It seems I'm too resistant to conscious sedation, so I'll have to be fully asleep. Granted, this is what I wanted from the very start, just nobody listened to me.
Still, the nurses were great and they tried their best to calm me down when I was crying. My amazing boyfriend was also there and my god what a man he is. I felt safe throughout (although my boyfriend says I kept repeating "I was so scared" afterwards), just the tube itself scares the crap outta me.
Hopefully full sedation will do the trick. I don't think I'm scarred by the experience. I'm just angry at the world that it still isn't over yet.