I’m gaining the ability for dual awareness and it is freaking me out. I’m just venting.
I get scared. I have been so overtaken by others at times. I get a bit resentful of the stuff I see online “choose to be the version of yourself that you want to be”
I know that is true but also I feel like amnesia makes that really hard.
what a fucking nightmare of a diagnosis. and would appreciate if anyone could share some of their experiences.
TIA
I am very uncomfortable naming my parts but to make things easier I will here. Please respect that this is not normal for me. I'm going to name the three that matter here:
Mara- I would have put her at 12 but my therapist thinks as low as 8. She was one of the first voices I could hear back when I "had" a schizophrenia Dx some 26 years ago. I now know through working with my therapist that Mara appeared sometime around when I was 12/13 and my trauma went through a significant change
Roan- the me that does therapy. Roan shares the brain with two others, the wife / mom one and the one who connects Roan to w/m
Mari- the me who interacts with unimportant outsiders, so basically everyone who isn't family or medical
quick context: it's been an overall hard year with lots of medical complications which has put my husband and kids under a lot of stress (our kids are adults but we share a home with two of them) It has always been Roan's role to take care of everything/everyone at home but Roan's been brat down by being so ill and family is not stepping up to support which is leaving her feel confused a hurt
at the beginning of this week Mari was out walking my dog with the dog trainer. This dog is fear reactive so we are working to help him learn to trust. Mari has been meeting the dog trainer weekly for several months now, so much so that Roan is starting to consider the dog trainer a friend.
I am 45 and my partner of 25 years is definitely my friend and my kids are now my friends but I've never had a friend friend. A real one. With another girl even. Never.
a situation happened and within minutes it was all ruined. Maybe friend ruined. In cognito safety ruined. Body injured by 3rd person. Trust in police ruined. Therapy progress ruined. Gone.
Roan (et compagny) and Mari are deep within their safety boxes
Mara is doing the being the person thing and it's not what's supposed to be happening
this me typing now I just do internet stuff and doomscrolling and emails and the likes. I think I'm probably always in the background but like... people jokes how they can sober up real quick if needed? (I don't drink so unsure how accurate) but I feel like that the closest to explain my perception of what I'm feeling
like Mara is doing the thing, but I'm in the hazy back in case she needs to sober up real quick, or I guess needing a legit adult although she does great at that, nobody unimportant has ever noticed Mara
but she's not very good at being Mari so just been lying to neighbours and saying uugh I've got a bad stomach bug well tall another time but I don't know how long a stomcmaxh bug can last as an excuse for parting ways fast
I think Mara is getting tired too, tired of being the person all the time