AITAH for wishing they never told me, and for wishing they weren’t together?
So I’m a 20M (bisexual), and I have four people I consider my closest friends: Maya (F, bi), Jordan (F, bi), Lila (F, bi curious), and Chris (M, not sure).
These are the people I’ve been most vulnerable with. Ever.
Maya and Jordan are my closest, but all four mean everything to me. I even made a “family tree” in my foreign language class that included them and my biological siblings. That’s how real this “chosen family” felt. Like it was all I had. And it’s falling apart
Recently (like a few days ago), I found out Maya and Jordan have been in a relationship for a few months (I feel like it’s been longer though) and I want to be happy for them, but it hurt finding out the way I did. I had already been feeling like a third wheel, like I was slowly being pushed out without understanding why. There would be moments where my presence isn’t being acknowledged when I’m with them. They’re not as attentive when I say something and I would literally be walking with them and they would just start walking away like in the middle of the street or something. One of them only told me after I started pulling away when she asked me if I felt distant from them. It didn’t feel like honesty, it felt like confirmation. Like they didn’t want to tell me. But I think deep down I always knew but hoped that I was wrong. I just didn’t want to believe it. Because now when it’s the three of us, I don’t feel like I’m part of it anymore. I feel replaceable. Like my presence and energy and his entire being is replaced by their relationship and when I’m there I’m more of a problem or something they’re trying to get away from than rather being included fully and thoughtfully. Like they think of me as the child or move like I’m their child rather than their friend.
Lila just got out of a year long situationship/relationship that ended badly with someone I introduced her to, so I already feel guilt there. She’s been distancing herself already and feels the weird energy within our group but has no idea about everything else. She doesn’t know Maya and Jordan are together, and she doesn’t know Chris might be moving. And honestly out of everyone she has the best excuse and reasonings to cut everyone off and now I’m stuck holding all of this in, knowing it could hurt her, but not feeling like I can say anything. And I feel like when she finds out, I’ll lose her too. Not because of what I know but because I hid it from her.
Chris is the only guy I feel genuinely close to. He trusted me with something personal that I kept private for months. He eventually told Maya and Jordan but only because he asks me if he should considering everything and they were in the bodies already and Lila was gone so he did it right there and the because we were leaving to go on a trip the next day. Now he might be moving away, and I told him to do what’s best for him have a whole spiel as to why he needs to do this and told him basically the opposite of what I selfishly wanted him to do (which is to stay). I really don’t want him to go :( We took a trip recently, talked for hours, and I told him I’d miss him. I meant it and to my surprise meant it more than I thought I would.
I’ve also had feelings at different points. I had a small crush on Maya early on like 2 months into hanging out with her but I buried it and killed it because I valued the friendship way more. More recently, I had feelings for Chris on and off, but his vulnerability made me realize I’d rather keep the friendship than risk losing it. Like I’ve rarely had really good male friendships but when you have a friendship where someone is super open super honesty super vulnerable about something to you. Is crying to you about it and your just there listening and trying to be a shoulder to cry on typa person for this person it just makes you wanna keep the in your life for as long as you can yk? I mean no one’s ever been that vulnerable with me. So keeping that friendship is way more important than having this crush. I even told Maya and Jordan about that, and they understood and agreed with me on that point. Lila already knows about it to (asked me if he was laying in my bed next to me when he came over once)
But…
I thought we all felt the same way about this friend group. That we’d protect it. Now I feel like I was the only one who believed that. It feels like I was living in a fantasy for a bit.
I’ve been in friend groups where this has happened before. And I’ve seen those friend groups fall apart because of something like this before, and it feels like it’s happening again.
Because when everything settles, everyone still has someone.
Maya and Jordan have each other. Both from the same home city. And both have families they go back to.
Chris is moving on to a new chapter. And he’ll be closer to family so he’ll have immense support. He’s super close to them.
Lila has a great support system. She has friends and family in this city and she grew up here.
And I’m just… here.
Estranged from my family and they don’t even know I’m bisexual so imagine that (came a very religious christian household). And then realizing the people I thought were mine might not consider me in the same way I’ve always considered them. I’m losing everyone…
So now I just feel stuck. And honestly, really alone and lonely.
AITAH for wishing they never told me, and for wishing they weren’t together?
