r/genderqueer

Hi! This is sort of something ive been feeling for a while, but I just sort of brushed it off as how everybody feels? Though ive come to realize that might not be the case. Im a 29 yo FAB, and ive always had sort of a weird relationship with gender, ive never really felt any sort of connection to either gender, and i come from a very red part of my state, so it was something nobody ever really talked about. I never knew how to talk to other girls as a kid, and was always more comfortable talking with the guys, but I didnt really feel like either, and whenever I had to hang out with anyone, I always felt like an imposter having to perform a gender that I never really had the innate instinct for. Typically I tend to dress more masculine because its more comfortable to me and i like doing thing myself, but then also sometimes I want to wear a dress with pockets. When someone refers to me as a woman or a girl, internally it feels wrong, but I also don't really feel like a man either, and unless im being perceived by somebody else I don't really feel any gender at all. At the same time though, I don't exactly dislike being called she/her, but it doesnt always feel quite right? But its not as terrible as being referred to as a woman, but personally I feel like she/they or even they/them probably fits better? Its probably just my chronic imposter syndrome but I feel like I need someone who has more experience/ is more open to tell me if this is a gender queer thing, or if these are normal cis feelings and i shouldn't use the label genderqueer. Thank you for reading! I dont really post on reddit ever, but ive been thinking about this a lot more lately and I dont want to step on anyone's toes and use a label that I shouldn't.

I (afab)’ve had many egg thoughts, been dysphoric, euphoric and had the desire to transition into a man. I used to think i was trans, but i’m not really sure. As much as i feel more comfortable as masculine, sometimes i just want to dress up and do my makeup.

Yes, i know that trans femboys exist, but the thing is i don’t think i see myself as any gender, most of the times i dress masculine and i hope at least some people see me as a guy, some days i dress feminine, which makes me kinda sad that i’m not seen as a guy by anyone or i even get dysphoric. But at the same time, i don’t necessarily feel as neither male or female.

When i imagine myself in the future, i’m either a man or kinda just the thought of me potentially existing, which technically isn’t even a person, not to mention gender.

I want to fit into the binary genders so so so bad, idc if as a male or female, but i’m not sure if that’s possible without me being miserable for the rest of my life.

I'm not really sure what label I have. I don't really care for the label past being able to help others understand. I am AMAB and never thought any other identity would fit me because I have an issue where I constantly belittle my own existence and have a bad case of imposter syndrome when I try to assign ANY positive labels to myself. Whether it's based on accomplishments or who/what I am etc...

I've always hated being treated like a guy, I've always hated the label of man, I hate being put in the box of masculinity, and I've had the question for the longest time: who am I? I recently decided to come out as non normative gender conforming, since I'm not really sure what description I would fit otherwise. My wife is supportive and the few friends I have told have been supportive.

Since then, I have explored my feminine side I look killer in a dress or skirt and with some makeup on. I want to be beautiful and I want to be masculinly impressive, I've always been envious of beautiful women and muscular attractive men alike. I also always wish I could be "in" with the girlies and to share the same space with them and the theys. I've never fit in with your average guy. It really depends day to day which aesthetic I feel like expressing more but I'm too scared to express the feminine side while Im near family and old friends right now 💀. Every instance of being called "they" or "pretty" has brought me so much joy.

I do worry about being a leech on the NB area of gender expression. Am I just a scared confused man? Or is the idea that I am something different valid? I mean I have no problems with my body, sure sometimes I'd like breasts for the aesthetic but never enough to permanently change my form. I think my masculine form looks really good, but I don't want to only ever be masculine and I don't want to hear "that guy" when referring to me anymore.

I'm sorry for the long post I just don't have a knowledgeable support system for this kind of thing.

I don't identify with any gender or any pronoun.

And no I'm not agender, I'm simply nothing, but it's hard to explain that without having to explain everything, especially when I'm asked what my preferred pronouns are. I could say they/them since it's technically gender neutral, but it doesn't feel right. Binary pronouns like he and she feel even worse even though I publicly go by she/her which I do just to avoid having this conversation with people.

I could see myself accepting the pronouns ze/zir being used when referring to me, but I also know most people wouldn't use it. Maybe not out of ignorance but they would either not get it or just forget and use she/her anyway. For context, I was born female and have been called she/her for most of my life (except for the times when I wanted to see what it would feel like to use other pronouns).

I could just tell people to refer to me by name only but that also feels off, not only grammatically but in general. I'm not even sure if my name is something I want to be called so to only be called it and nothing else feels wrong.

How do I tell people this without writing a paragraph?

Sorry about the rather bland title
I had no clue what to write there

I am in my mid 40s and present as male AMAB as it were.
I have always been very effeminate and loved all things feminine in an identity way.
I also identify male, however the whole alpha male gym bro thing I can’t handle for a minute.

I have long known I was not gay, bi maybe but not gay. I have also long known I am not straight, but it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it is not sexuality but gender identity that has been the really different thing for me.

My gender does not fluctuate as such. It is more like ‘this part of female and this part of male fits me, the rest is something for others.’ I guess
Hard to put in to words
Till I learned the term Gender Queer

I bought a tucking gaff a few years back and loved my silhouette in it. I recently bought tucking panties from tomboyx and I am likely to throw out all other underwear
I finally look like how my mind has said I should if that makes sense.

I just wanted to share that my journey though I am in my mid 40s is just getting exciting and fun!
Maybe I’ll fall in love with other clothing that helps me feel like me, maybe I’ll learn more about me that makes me feel at home in my body and in my identity.

Anyway
Had to share before I burst

XXX

Hi everyone! Um, you can call me Dani. 👋 Anyways, yeah, as the title says, I'm confused.I've always been a bit hateful of my breasts and the fact that I'm a woman ever since I became a teen. 😣 Anyways, just a year ago, I found myself loving being a girl and loving girlhood. 🌸Anyways, I still have body dysmorphia sometimes, but it isn't as much as it used to be. Some months ago, I started getting really, really confused. 😵‍💫 I've been thinking about just becoming trans because I can't take it anymore. Yet, I love being a girl, and I love girlhood. At the same time, I hate it. 💔Also, I still love feminine things, no matter how much I want to say I don't. Ah, it's weird, isn't it? 🎭 In real life, I have no one to really tell, pour this all out to, and ask advice from, so I came to Reddit." much as I want answers, please be nice about it. 🥺 I don't know how to say it, but I've been called names for how I feel. Putting it here is a bit scary because I know I'm going to be judged. 💔"

But I want answers, so I'll take the risk.

I’m male, but I’ve always been low on testosterone, docile, and baby faced.

I grew in a place where homophobia is very strong and I’ve always been bullied for being gay even though I actually have never been; it was just for my looks and disposition.

I have always exclusively liked women, and I still do. I am obsessed with femininity actually, that’s how I explain my ever existing interest in cross dressing and feminine wand wielders.

I have a girlfriend and while she was away, sometime last year, I dipped in and actually committed to cross dressing and it felt amazing.

Since then it’s hard not to think about it.

I told my gf and she’s okay with it, she didn’t make any negative remark, but whenever I suggested trying again she kinda went against it. She does not support it and I understand why.

We speak about building a family, which I truly aim towards, and if she wants to build it with a masculine figure to support her then that’s what I have to do.

And that’s alright, cause I don’t think I’m trans. I’m okay with my masculine side as much as with my feminine side, or at least they’re very very close to each other in terms of what I like myself best in.

But something doesn’t feel right, on one side I feel like I want to experience femininity more, on the other side I think it might just be a destructive intrusive thought I’m better off suppressing.

I’d be so grateful if you wanted to share some thoughts.

I don’t even know how to explain this or word this so bear with me. So as of the start of this year I’ve increasingly been confused and worried about my gender. I don’t have the best memory so i don’t know when or why i started questioning myself, but i remember one day my mom once told me that before i was born, everyone had expected me to be a boy because of a certain quality i had. Now seeing myself, it really looks like i should’ve been a boy. I don’t really mean it in a trans way and I’m sure its not related to gender dysforia but i mean it in a logical sense like i really couldve passed as a boy. Its like i don’t want to be a girl but i dont know about being a boy either and something is telling me that i have to choose one side or the other but i dont see myself as genderfluid and all of the other terms relating to that. I really hope this doesnt sound stupid i just want to find myself. (If this helps im below 18 and im a biological female)

so i’m a teen girl, i have many many years to figure out my gender i know but still i am very confused.
i’ve been questioning and thinking about my gender for years at this point switching from demigirl to nonbinary to genderfluid, demiboy, finally thought i found myself as a trans man (that lasted a little over a year), finally realizing i have no connection to men/manhood whatsoever, identifying as a demigirl again, and finally just not caring and going full girl.
i don’t have any dysphoria, i love myself and how i look and i do not mind being called a girl, i actually kinda like it. she/her pronouns feel great on me (they/them don’t do too much for me but i still like them and i LOVE these neos i found fae/faer). i feel connected to femininity and women a lot. deep in my core i am a woman and maybe it’s because i feel so strongly about feminism? but at the same time i feel outside of the binary. almost like my gender is “political” or more like a statement? if that makes sense? idk i thought maybe demi girl was right but that identity doesn’t really feel right for me. a nonbinary woman makes more sense and i’ve also been searching about being genderqueer. if anyone knows a gender identity that i could research that gives off what i’m talking about, or if i’m completely wrong about a gender i stated PLEASE help! <3

tldr: is there a gender that views “gender” as a social construct and doesnt believe in the binary but also is extremely connected to womanhood and feminity? (if so that’s me)

hi, i’m a transgender man (i think) and have little to no knowledge about gender identity asides from the basics.

lately i’ve been thinking about how i feel and how i’d like to be referred as, since i’ve been out i’ve been referred to as he/him only, and i’m fine with that really but there’s been occasions where i’m receiving to as she/her, they/them or it/its… i know i’m a dude and all, i’m not a woman (?) but i don’t mind being called by feminine pronouns, i’m aware i’m a man i think and i’ve always disliked the idea of being a woman, but i really don’t mind feminine pronouns.

similar thing happens with they/them and it/its pronouns, i really prefer it/its pronouns usually. it hasn’t been many times i’m referred to as that, but the few occasions it hasn’t happened i really liked it, felt comfortable and happy.

of course i prefer he/him pronouns, but being called any doesn’t bug me at all.

this is causing me anxiety since i’m unsure of what’s happening, what i am, what is going on. i’m sorry if i word things badly, i’m just really scared right now, thank you

I've been wrestling with something for awhile now and would appreciate input from those who may have been in the same place before. This may be a bit long, so I apologize. If you stick through it, thank you in advance.

&#x200B;

I (39, afab) have been changing a lot over the past 6 or so years. It's been gradual, but steady. I left the grip of a cult, became Agnostic (at best), and have been actively trying to better myself by healing and growing as a person (yay, therapy! lol). It's been difficult, but it's been worth it.

&#x200B;

I've never really aligned with my assigned gender, which is a feeling that has grown and intensified since my childhood. In my childhood and teens, I just figured I was just a tomboy, but that word never felt like it completely explained how I felt. Tomboys seemed to have no issue with their femininity, but I often felt divorced from mine. I never felt "feminine enough," I guess. Every time my mom told me I needed to dress more feminine and tried to give me overly flowery shirts, dresses, etc to compensate for my perceived lack, it grated on me. I felt like a person being shoved into skin that was constricting and suffocating.

&#x200B;

The feeling intensified as I grew into my 20s and 30s, to the point that dressing femininely (dresses, skirts, etc) made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I distinctly remember attending a friend's wedding in a skirt and blouse and feeling like my skin was crawling. Like everyone there who saw me knew that I was an imposter and didn't belong in those clothes. Granted, the religion I grew up in is very... specific, lol, in its views about gender and how one should measure up to the standards. Women should be nurturing, matronly, feminine, married by their early 20s and popping out kids like overpopulation is a silly, made up word. And I fell massively outside of that established norm.

&#x200B;

As I stepped out of that life, I began to learn words that aligned more with how I felt at the time - nonbinary, agender. I just wanted to be myself, whoever that was, without the expectation of gender hanging over my head. So I began dressing more androgynously, binding my chest, and trying out shorter haircuts. I fucking loved it. And I remember telling my friends, "Well, I'm used to the equipment downstairs by now, so that's whatever. But man, if I could just lob these tits off, I'd be happy."

&#x200B;

But lately, I feel like I've been...idk. "Changing" doesn't feel like the right word, but idk what the right one is. Having a slow realization, ig? I've been leaning more towards masculine pronouns and noticing when people use them towards me (usually by accident because my face is a giveaway), it genuinely makes me just...so damn happy. A lady at WalMart called me "young man" once and man, I'm pretty sure I floated on that for a month. Two of my friends have a nickname for me that includes "boi" in it and every time they use it, it feels like it just touches something in my soul.

&#x200B;

"Okay, is this getting somewhere?" I'm getting there, promise lol.

&#x200B;

So, a couple months ago, I was talking with a trans friend and she asked me if I thought I would start hormones (she's been on them herself for awhile). I told her I wasn't sure because I was still trying to figure things out, and that at this point I'd just be happy with top surgery if I could ever afford it. She then kinda flippantly told me "Well, you probably don't need them. I knew immediately I had to be on them. If you don't feel the same way, you don't need them." And while I agree that you shouldn't take something unless you're sure you need it, the way she brushed me off threw a monkey wrench into my brain box. It made me feel like I needed to know or should have known immediately instead of having this gradual change I've been experiencing. Like if I didn't know *immediately* that I needed hormones, it was less genuine somehow.

&#x200B;

So my question is this:

If you're trans, did the realization happen gradually for you or was it immediate?

&#x200B;

Also out of curiosity, if you also grew up in a cult environment you had to deprogram yourself from, how did that impact your view of gender, both in yourself and in general? I oftentimes wonder if my schism with my assigned gender has been impacted by religious requirements linked to it. Like, I'm sure that affects it in the long run, but I also don't think my struggle here is some kind of buried misogyny or something. Women are fierce as fuck, I respect a great number of them. I just don't feel like I'm part of that group.

&#x200B;

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Take care of yourselves out there and stay safe. 🐾