r/jimebrown

Hmmm

so I figured I would share my Jim E Brown as well as my Prozac hat modeled by mii :-)

Roasted nectarines with prosciutto and burrata on roasted Sourdough Bread.

I hope i don't sound like an asshole, english is not my first language.

(M/25) So my life has always been on the harder side... Severely ill about 15 years of my childhood, always living on the poverty line, dropped out of school, parents divorced, some traumas yada yada.

I think what these past 25 years really sum up to is that i learned how prescious any form of "good" time for me was. Since i could barely cover living costs my whole life, often fasting because of poverty let alone furnishing my sh1tty apartment or doing anything fun. Even living in my car at times. Also my parents weren't able to help me with anything. (No shame)

So i'd sum this up to "i've really learned to cherish peaceful and good times." And always had to work my ass off to even afford a bad to normal way of living.

Fast forward:

I got my shit together really good i'd say. As i'm writing this i had therapy for many years, have a prescious girlfried of 2 years, graduated, nice home, founded a company and make enough money to currently only work 2 in 8 days to live in upper middle class. Did most of that while skipping meals because i knew it had to be done to get out of this.

And now? I have absolutely no problems and its killing me. I often look at similar posts and the answer is often something like "OP needs nome hobbies:"

- Im the lead singer of a band and practice daily (we're currently in studio and its working great)
- I play guitar and piano
- im drawing/painting
- i do competitive powerlifting (11. In my weight class and country)
- i do jiu jitsu (I'm shit, as we all are)
- i started restoring old designer furniture
- started reading a lot
- kind of outgrew gaming but still give it a try at times
- still living a normal life with chores etc.
I do nothing of these "on the side." I really get into these things while doing them.

But all of these hobbies still lead to me being exhausted by my free time either because i did so much of them that i need a break or that i just don't feel like any of them at the moment and im getting a headache about luchtime literally daily because i've spiraled about 30 times at that time and i'm freaking out inside.

Coming back to the beginning: Nothing really has a purpose anymore. I can wallow myself in my free time and hobbies to the point that work, free time and hobbies burn me out to the same degree.

Everything has become so damn obsolete.
I don't have to work my ass off anymore and the emotional value has just gone since i can almost do what i want.

I'm thinking about studying on the side just to keep busy but i'd love to just feel some peace with what i've been able to work out for myself... It was so so hard and not even my own brain grants me any feeling of success :(

Reading this, it sounds very very adhd haha. Yes, i'm "gifted" and yes have adhd.

I hope my writing style doesn't annoy anyone. I really tried to work this out the last 5 months but it doesn't.

Edit: Thank you for your kind words up until now. Yes, i really need a therapist again.

Edit: Some people pointed out the work / wealth thing. Im not rich in any way. I do fire protection consulation for companys and the fixed charge is about 1k€ per 3 hours, which is cheap here. I got a deal with a big company and one with the public service in my state. Minus taxes we live pretty normal financially.