r/lesbianpoly

My girlfriend and I (both 18F) have been dating for several years now, we got together early in high school and have been happily together since. We're currently long-distance and have been for over two years due to family stuff on her end, but we've been making it work!

Earlier in our relationship, my girlfriend tried a few times to casually bring up polyamory. The first time, a girl that went to her high school joined our relationship briefly, but I didn't know her very well, and she ended up leaving my girlfriend very shortly after, which caused a lot of drama. I had felt conflicted at the time, and was quietly relieved when things went "back to normal."

About a year and a half later (we were long-distance by this point), my girlfriend casually mentioned having a crush on a girl she saw, and again brought up that she would be open to being poly in the future. I was a very insecure teenager at the time, and I sort of panicked and shot her down because I assumed that our relationship wasn't enough for her. She reassured me that she loved me, and she hasn't brought anything related to that up since.

Over the years, however, my thoughts have changed. The insecurities and jealousy that I was prone to when I was younger have gone away, and as I've gotten more educated, I've realized that the idea of a polyamorous relationship actually sounds really pleasant.

I love my girlfriend deeply, and I know that she loves me too. I don't think either of us feel a pressing need to change anything about our relationship. But part of me is suddenly always wondering if her attraction to the idea of a poly relationship ever went away, and if she would think less of me for bringing it up again now that we're older, especially since I shot her down a few years ago.

It would be tricky to make things work long-distance, I think. There would probably be the issue of one partner potentially feeling isolated from the others, if either of us invited someone in that we knew in-person. But we do plan to live together someday, so maybe then?

I don't know. I'm very happy with my girlfriend and with our relationship, but whenever I see a happy poly couple, meet someone that I'm attracted to and think my girlfriend would also really like, or think back to how cute it was in retrospect when she gushed about her new crush to me... I feel like I might have missed my chance at something that could've been wonderful for both of us, and I'm so anxious about bringing it up to her again in the right way.

Hola! Tengo un perfil de Instagram que trata sobre poliamor y me gustaría hacer algunos vídeos respondiendo a preguntas que puede tener una persona monogama que no sabe nada del mundo de la no monogamia o del poliamor. Porque aunque a mí me parezcan cosas muy lógicas porque las conozco, sé que alguien que no esté familiarizado con el tema puede tener muchas dudas. Así que sí, preguntad cualquier duda que os surja, puede ser lo explícita o extraña que sea, no juzgo.

Being a transgender woman, I have met several cis women when going out to queer spaces who have been very friendly and welcoming. Although I identify as Transbian, I am still attracted to cis lesbians. Do cis lesbians ever have interest in dating a trans woman if they are in a poly relationship?

I’m 30F, partner is 31F.

About a month ago, partner went to a party, met someone (I’ll refer to them as A). She and A instantly hit it off. She came home and pretty much immediately asked for an open relationship. I felt really destabilized and started crying, overwhelmed and flooded, I said I don’t want this right now, so she agreed to stick to pursuing a platonic friendship, albeit grudgingly.

In the first 5 days of meeting A, they met thrice, and would have met up a 4th time if A hadn’t been busy. When they met the 3rd time, they spent an evening together, during the course of which both people admitted finding each other attractive and of feeling attracted to each other. This information made me panic a lot, because it was coupled with my partner saying things to me like **for now** I won’t pursue anything with A.

This has been a huge struggle for me. I identify as monogamish (not 100% monogamous, and open to the concept of "hall passes" or things that are contained in time/space). I asked at the beginning about how she felt about being with me if she wouldn’t be able to date others, and she said she doesn’t need nonmonogamy to be happy, that she has everything she wants in this relationship to feel fulfilled. I took her at face value for that. I did say if things ever changed for her, I’d be open to a conversation, which she interpreted as a 100% guarantee to open the relationship if she ever wanted it.

The core issue here is that I have a TON of baggage and trauma from my past before her around ENM. The tl;dr is two defining relationships of mine were essentially me agreeing to poly under duress, which led to immense pain and heart break. I’ve always been vocal that I’m aware that I’m bringing unresolved trauma into the relationship (the type where I am so sick with  point anxiety that I am fully disassociated and out of body and can’t see or hear anything - literally my vision goes blurry and the sound are going into the brain but nothing is being processed). I even told her that if I were to seriously think about the possibility of ENM again, I’d have to go through intense therapy.

I thought based on this she'd be understanding. However the way she has handled things since meeting A have been extremely unsettling for me. I’ll try to summarize them below:  

--She’s not proactively doing any emotional labour: it’s been on me determine what sort of a dynamic she wants (hierarchical poly? Non hierarchical poly?What about social situations / vacations / holidays? After finally asking a ton of questions she was like “no I just want FWB, you’ll be my partner and others will just be friends that I fuck and hang out with occasionally." While knowing she wants FWB is a good starting point, I do need to have more convos around this to be on the same page, without having to be the one driving all of the conversations I also told her I’d like us to actually do the work together before opening up a relationship - eg read a book, have discussions: to which shelat out said she doesn’t wanna do any of the work and just wants it to be easy, and to do what she wants.

-- She’s often reluctant, or just flat out refuses to support me emotionally through this: I’ve been having really huge emotional reactions because of my trauma (and partly also due to how she reacts and escalates things when I’m just trying to share my feelings). And she’s telling me that I’m putting it all on her, I need to check in with her before bringing thing up with her. Attempts at conversation end up being postponed and if they happen, they end in explosion and lack of resolution, and tend to be centered around her needs/wants.

-- She’s bringing up her past behaviour as progression: she’s had a history of cheating in almost all of previous relationships. She thinks it’s great progression now that she’s not cheating and instead being transparent, and she believes that being transparent means that she shouldn’t have to deal with a huge emotional reactions from me. For me, transparency is a baseline expectation and not something I can applaud, though she views that she's paying a high cost to be transparent because now she has to actually wait, while before she could immediately pursue her desires.  

-- There's too much pressure!: I need to take things slow, to actually feel stable before committing or consenting to anything, because in the past I was pressured and it didn’t end well for me. But my gf is making comments like how long is it gonna take, keeps repeatedly asking me to meet A, keeps repeatedly asking to invite A to things even when I say no. And it just feels manipulative. She also says things like “fine if you don’t want me to hang out with A I won’t, I’ll just live my life under your control and give up any and all feelings of joy and individuality.” It’s not fair. I’m genuinely doing my best to try and figure out if I am able to give her what she wants, and understand my own hard lines. But that really isn’t something I’m able to do overnight or even in a month.

I am begging her to go to couples therapy, but she’s refusing. The thing is that this open relationship convo has exacerbated our existing issues around communication. I consistently feel that our conflicts only resolve if I see things from her side, and my perspectives have no space. This is an emotionally lonely experience.

So where do we go from here? Some questions:
- Why is opening up for a specific person frowned upon?
- Is it possible to overcome trauma from poly under duress and be in a happy open relationship?
- What sorts of things are okay to ask for vs. not okay to ask for in a setting like this?
- What  sort of work should two people put into their relationship before opening up?
- Also… in general what are your thoughts about this? I feel like maybe my partner is in the throes of the equivalent of NRE and is enamored with A, that’s why she’s rushing.

If anybody in this community has advice for me, I’m all ears. Thank you 💗

my first and only go at polyam was a complete disaster. to keep it brief, i met a girl who already had a partner (of 7 years) and we eventually realized we liked each other. after we got together, it was just problem after problem. many times she would choose her other partner over me and show clear favoritism towards them, which I addressed multiple times. i was already a little insecure because they had so much history together and this definitely didn’t help. leaving early, canceling plans, being late, etc. it never got better. almost a year into our relationship she met another girl who she eventually started crushing on too. not long after they got together, she broke up with me because she “didn’t have the capacity to care about me anymore” when in retrospect, it seemed like she never did in the first place. while this relationship was ultimately a failure, it made me realize that polyamory feels so right to me. i’ve just been struggling to get back out there because I’m afraid to get hurt in the same way, i don’t want to be treated like 2nd or even 3rd best again. to anyone who’s been burned before, how have you dealt with it?

My wife & I have been together for a while (8yrs), and after much therapy, she admitted she is no longer interested in having sex w/ me or anyone else. At her encouragement, I’m considering connecting with other people to get those needs met.

Does anyone have tips/experience pursuing a casual sexual relationship w/ someone, while married? I’m skittish about going on apps because I am from a small-ish queer community, and our child is school age. My wife & I were openly poly before we met, and the stigma is still intense!

But I swear I’m cute & fun…albeit rusty. Maybe dating won’t be as bad as it was when I was single & childless? 😬😂

Hey,

I have been a domme lesbian for a while now. I am looking for women who are older than me and into dommes. Hopefully we vibe!!