r/perfectionism

I don't know how to fix this mindset or if it even needs fixing.

It's like this, I may decorate a room but I'm never satisfied because I feel I could do more with it, and get more and more etc. And can't be content or satisfied with how it looks.

Or I could see myself in the mirror and pick out every little flaw and want to change it, and can't be content or satisfied with myself.

What do I do? Is this a good mindset because I'm constantly striving for perfection? Or is it not? And how do I fix this?

I'm definitely a perfectionist and apply a great deal of pressure to myself to perform well, and when I make mistakes, I feel a huge (disproportionate) wave of shame. But, I also put this same pressure on other people. My partner and kids (although I try to hide it). If they fail at something important to me - I feel this shame and unreasonable disappointment. Right now I'm having carpet installed and the installers have made a couple mistakes and I'm so anxious. I don't want to bother them, but I keep checking to make sure they don't make more. I hate hovering, and I hate missing a mistake while it is still fixable (pressure on me). I couldn't sleep last night knowing they were coming back today. I've felt that way before - I still see a cracked countertop where previous installers did a poor job, and notice other flaws around my house. These only bother me when I was around and somehow could have fixed it (or chose an incompetent installer - as if i could know that). I'm very unkind to myself. I remember as a child my alcoholic father raging at me when I couldn't adequately do whatever he asked of me - wash the dishes or make him a sandwich or get dressed... Now I am that raging person to myself...What a painful way to live. And I can see now that this is not just perfectionism — it is an old survival strategy that has turned against me.

It’s the end of the month and I am planning to restart my life again tomorrow (July 1st; my excuse is that it’s the first day of the month and the first day of the second half of the year). If I told you that I’ve been restarting my life from the age of 6 (I’m currently 30) would you believe me? And when I say restarting it I mean every day or every 2 days or at the start of a new week or a new month or if i had 30 or 60 or 90 days til my birthday. I find every excuse to restart my life hoping that I’ll do everything perfectly (it almost never lasts for more than 5 days!), whenever i sense the slightest mistake or failure or imperfection I decide to stop everything and start planning again.

When I say i stop everything and restart I mean I restart everything from my skin care to my personal relationships to my studying. I have an exam and I’ve been repeating chapter one for almost a month now, risking the possibility of never finishing what I have to study. I sometimes cancel everything when someone else bother me or treat me badly, cause I want my surrounding to be all perfect.

It has been a long time but today I just felt exhausted, I’m sick of waiting for 12:00 am on the first day of the month to start doing what I actually want to do. I’m sick of setting all those goals and never wait to see any progress cause I’m always resetting. I’m sick of pretending that the person who I was yesterday is not who I am today and I just can’t stop all these thoughts.

Is there any terminology for what I have? Am I the only one who is like this? Is there any possible solution for my behaviors?

I recently saw KPop Demon Hunters for the first time, and I was BLOWN AWAY by its message. As someone who struggles with being authentic and honest, I related a lot to Rumi's internal conflict. I empathized with her self-consciousness around her demon marks, and the burning desire to get rid of them for good. The ways in which she puts up walls to conceal her insecurities really hit home. Like her, I often feel like I'd rather not go all-in on my life and my relationships until I feel "fixed" or "perfect."

In today's society, especially with the vapid music and media industry we're surrounded by, it can feel like everyone is striving for perfection. Flaws are seemingly unacceptable, and grounds for complete rejection. For those of us who are self-conscious in the first place, it can be a very scary thing trying to go out into this world while imperfect and wracked with obvious flaws. We get so scared by the prospect of judgement that we decide to hide our imperfections and only show the world a very controlled and edited version of ourselves.

Yet, this leads to a lot of internal strife, as we learn to lie in this way. We stop telling the truth to people--even our closest friends and family--just so we can sustain an image of flawlessness. But truly, as shown by KPop Demon Hunters, one of the best things you can do for your self-confidence is embrace your flaws, and show up every day despite your imperfections. It's a terrifying thing to show up in front of the world while you're still a "work-in-progress." But, truly, if you wait until you're perfect to join the world, then you'll be waiting forever.

I made a video expanding on these points, and I'd appreciate any views/feedback y'all have!