r/rhps

Content warning for discussions of mental health and severe bullying.

I (38M) was a member of a Rocky Horror shadowcast for almost eight years. My membership with my cast came to an end in January of this year following a long feud with one of the other performers, whom I will refer to as "Bobby."

For initial context, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 13. It was during an era when people on the Autism spectrum were severely misunderstood and misrepresented. I spent several of my teenage years being bullied and mistreated by the kids at school, and even the teachers. The kids all saw me as a freak, and the teachers didn't want to make any effort to try and understand me. Whenever the kids harassed me, even when they did it in front of the teachers or cameras, no one EVER tried to protect or punish the other kids. My high school vice-principal even blamed ME for the bullying once (after my parents filed a complaint), saying that I wasn't making enough effort to get along with the other kids. This led to severe "people-pleasing" tendencies and fears of trying to put up proper boundaries. I'm not going to give the explicit details, but this all came to a head when something very bad (involving my art teacher) happened to me towards the end of my senior year of high school. I have had a lot of therapy over the past 20+ years to try and heal, but I was eventually diagnosed with CPTSD in my early 30s. For the most part, I have decent control over my emotions and trauma. However, there are times when I can be triggered and end up going into severe disassociation, and even flashing back to the traumas, if the trigger is direct enough. Please keep this in mind for later.

I found my way into the Rocky Horror shadow casting community in 2018, and discovered that acting was very therapeutic as it allowed me to be someone else and harness my emotions into something creative. Before moving forward, please remember that Rocky Horror IS known for it's adult content, and much of the adult jokes/humor of the movie tend to bleed over into the various shadow casts and their members.

Bobby had already been a member of the cast for about 2-3 years before I joined, and he, like me, is also on the Autism spectrum. In my early days of the group, I noticed that Bobby had a tendency to tell people that "I wanna [perform adult oral actions]" whenever he was excited or impressed by someone. These particular comments never quite sat right with me, but I tended to just ignore them. However, in 2022, during one of our rehearsals, Bobby made the joke directly to me, and he changed something about the wording. He specifically said that he "WAS GOING to [do the thing]" instead of saying that he "WANTED to." This actually caused me to emotionally shut down for a bit, as those words were exactly what my art teacher had said to me right before he did what he did. I don't blame Bobby directly, as he would have had no way of knowing. However, after the rehearsal, I pulled Bobby aside and asked him to please not make the jokes towards me again, as I really didn't find them to be funny. He agreed, but then the very next week he made the joke again to the entire group, repeating the words of how he "WAS GOING to [do the thing]." I wondered if he had taken my request to not make them to ME SPECIFICALLY a little too literally, as that is not an uncommon trait of people on the spectrum, and so I tried to speak with him again after rehearsal. However, when I asked if we could talk, he said he needed to use the bathroom, ran out, and he didn't return. I made several attempts to try and talk with him in later days, but he kept avoiding me and making excuses for why he wasn't in the mood to talk. Nevertheless, he continued to make the jokes. After several failed attempts to trying to talk, I eventually gave up and just decided to just try and tolerate the jokes.

Later that year, I was directing an upcoming show, and Bobby wanted to play Riff Raff. My co-director thought it would be a good idea, so I agreed. Dance rehearsal for "Time Warp" was a little rough, so we decided that we would run the number once more time on the night of the show, which was a SUPER common practice for us. Show night rolled around, and we announced that we would be running the song in ten minutes. Bobby came up to us and said that he didn't want to participate, citing a lack of energy. I tried to empathize with him, saying that the rehearsal was just about the blocking, so no one needed to go full-energy, and everyone could save their energy for the show. He refused again. I told him that we NEEDED him to participate, since Riff Raff is essential to the song, and he refused again. I will admit that I COULD HAVE handled this next part differently, but I finally got fed up, and told him that if he really was as tired as he was saying, then he could go home and we would have one of our backups step in instead. After all, if he was too tired for a quick, low-energy rehearsal, then how would fare in the show proper since "Time Warp" is one of the early numbers, and you still have over an hour and 15 minutes of show to get through afterwards? THAT was where he finally agreed to participate. The show went fine, and the dancing went fine, but the following day he sent me a multi-paragraph-long message, calling me an "ableist jerk" and that I need to listen to him more since "I know my body way better than you do." I agree he does know his own body better, but I reminded him that he was the one who wanted to play Riff Raff, and that should extend to knowing if he would be able to perform all of the required tasks, including rehearsals. I then asked him if I could buy him a cup of coffee and talk things out, in the hopes of learning to be a better director. He said maybe another time. I tried asking him again, and he kept making excuse after excuse. Like with the jokes he was making before, I eventually gave up after several failed attempts to try and talk things out with him.

NOTE.... I don't know where else to mention this, and I'm not ENTIRELY certain if it's relevant or not, but I do feel the need to mention that Bobby is a transgender man. The only reason I feel the need to bring this up is that I know how transitioning can take a substantial toll on a person's body. For additional context, I am a gay, cisgender man.

Fast forward again to early 2024. Our cast was preparing to host the annual Rocky Horror National Convention. During the preparations for the convention, I went away on vacation for two weeks. As such, I was not present for this next part, and only found out about it once I got home. While I was away, Bobby (allegedly) posted something incredibly antisemitic on Facebook. I never saw the actual post, but I did see the emails that were sent to our cast by NO LESS than a dozen Jewish members of the Rocky Horror community, all of whom were demanding that Bobby apologize and/or step down. The rest of my cast IMMEDIATELY rushed to defend Bobby. This included one member of our cast, who is Jewish herself, whom I'll refer to as Sally. Now it is NOT my place to tell a Jewish person what they should or should not perceive as antisemitic, but I'd be lying if I said that hearing Sally say that she didn't find the post to be that offensive didn't make me tilt my head a little bit. Bobby spent the entire meeting sobbing about how unfair the other casts were being, and how they clearly when through years of his Facebook posts to find the most damning evidence of their claims. Our group president would also later defend Bobby, citing his ASD as to why he will often speak without thinking. This made me cringe like I had never cringed before. Yes, sometimes those of us on the Autism spectrum DO speak without thinking (I certainly have done so before), but that doesn't excuse us from having to take responsibility if we upset someone with our words, unintentionally or not. Bobby DID post an apology, which I did see, and it was four paragraphs of "I'm sorry you feel that way" kinds of sentiments. It absolutely made my skin crawl. In the end, I started to wonder what kind of sway Bobby held over our cast, given the sheer number of emails that had come in from other casts.

Finally, we arrive in early spring of 2025. Bobby is elected to be our group's vice-president. I was also nominated, but I declined to run as my dad was entering hospice care at the time, and I knew I wouldn't be able to fulfill the expected duties. As such, Bobby ran unopposed. One of the tasks of the vice president is to take attendance at our meetings. During one of the meetings, Bobby announced that he felt that taking attendance was too much of an ask for him, and that we would all be expected to take our own attendance moving forward. Very few people followed this directive, and he repeated the request at the next meeting. Many people cited being unable to do so from their phones (editing a Google Spreadsheet is super finicky if you're not at an actual computer), leading to Bobby loudly saying..... "If you don't all start taking your own attendance, then I will come to your houses and [un-alive] all of you!"

Hearing this IMMEDIATELY triggered my CPTSD, as I had had kids from school say those EXACT words to me on multiple occasions, usually in an attempt to stop me from fighting back or telling a teacher, but not in a joking manner. I flashed back to the day when they literally followed me home, so that their threats would hold more weight since they literally knew where I lived. I barely remember the rest of the meeting as I was stuck in heavy disassociation. Eventually, I managed to pull myself out and was able to get home after the meeting ended. I honestly don't know if anyone else even noticed how checked out I was for the rest of the meeting. I told my roommates what had happened, and they told me that what Bobby said crossed a ton of lines, and that I needed to speak up. I told them about the number of times I had tried to speak with Bobby over the years regarding the other issues, and how he would always dismiss me or avoid me altogether. So, my roommates suggested that I take my problem to the cast leaders. Before doing so, I also spoke with my therapist, and he agreed with my roommates suggestions. My therapist even told me that what Bobby said, if spoken without context or to someone who may not have perceived it as a joke, could be viewed as a terroristic threat.

And so, I decided to speak to the cast leaders, and I told them my story. Many of them were already aware that I had been severely mistreated throughout the years, but were not fully aware of ALL of the context. As such, I opened up to them and explained why Bobby's treatment of me had been so upsetting for so long. I explained to them why his jokes about wanting to perform certain adult acts on other cast members, and especially his comment at the last meeting, had triggered me so badly. They all claimed to understand and empathize, and said that the next step would be for us all to sit down with Bobby and get this all sorted out. I told them about how many times I had TRIED to talk things out with Bobby, and they said that they would initiate the talk. They did, and I was FINALLY able to speak with Bobby. I told him everything, about how his jokes were triggering my CPTSD, and how I wanted him to be more mindful when he speaks. He told me (as well as everyone else in the room) that he understood and that he would do better.

A few months later, he made the un-aliving joke again, this time at a casual event where we were organizing props, and just like last time, I involuntarily went into disassociation.

SIDE STORY, BUT IT IS RELEVANT..... Around the same time that Bobby made the joke for the second time, I was preparing to begin directing the upcoming Halloween shows. My co-director this time was someone that I'll call "Lee." Now Lee and I had worked together several times in the past, both on-stage AND as directors, and we always got along really well. Bobby had put in for the show, and I was obviously hesitant about casting him. Now, when a serious issue is being mediated by cast leaders, we are encouraged to keep it on the down-low. As such, I told Lee that I had had issues working with Bobby in the past, citing his unwillingness to rehearse that I mentioned earlier in this post. I DID NOT tell Lee about how Bobby's constant jokes were triggering my CPTSD, and how he was continuing to make them despite being asked not to. However, I told Lee that I was willing to cast Bobby in the show, IF Lee was willing to direct Bobby's scenes by themselves, and I would be willing to do additional work with the other cast members in return. For the record, it's not at all uncommon that only one director is available for some rehearsals.

Lee responded to my request.... By filing a no-contact order against me with the cast leaders. They said that they were EXTREMELY offended by how I spoke about Bobby, and how I need to be more understanding in regards to people's needs during shows. I asked Lee if we could try and talk it out, but the cast leaders ended up granting the NC order, and I was kicked out of the Halloween director role. Lee DID state that they would be willing to revisit the issue after October was finished, as that's our super busy season, but that they wanted "some space" in the meantime. This caused my anxiety to shoot up into the red, as I began to question whether or not I was actually the one in the wrong. After all, why would the cast leaders be so willing to grant Lee the NC order so quickly?

Quick note about how NC orders work in our cast.... Using my situation as the example, I would ONLY be allowed to speak to Lee if it was concerning official cast business that directly involved them. Otherwise, I was not allowed to reach out to them in any way. Similarly, if I filed a NC order against Bobby, he would only be banned from speaking to me in a casual sense, but would still be allowed to communicate with me in regards to official cast business. If I were to direct a show, even if I didn't cast him, then he would be in the clear to message me questions about things like call times.

Meanwhile, I went back to cast leaders and reminded them how they themselves had ordered Bobby to not make those kinds of jokes around me, and how he did it anyways. Their response was that since he made the joke at a casual event, and not as an official representative of the cast, that there was nothing else they could do. All they offered was a firm reminder that he was not allowed to make the jokes while he was operating in his official VP status. I asked them if that meant that he would be allowed to make the jokes outside of that context, even though he knew ALL THE DETAILS as to why they were so upsetting to me, and they said there was nothing they could do except offer me a NC order and remind Bobby not to make the jokes during any kind of "official" cast business. I changed tactics, and tried asking them how they would feel if a cast member was directly targeting THEIR emotional triggers... And the excuses immediately began rolling in.

One person asked me why it was only Bobby's jokes that were triggering me, when other cast members have also made "hyperbolic" jokes as well. I told them that it's because none of the other members specifically made jokes of that severity people. The closest one was one member who said something like... "If you don't get your rehearsals scheduled, I'm gonna COME AND GETCHA!" Another person said something like.... "Quit being so hard on yourself! You did great, and I will TOTALLY FIGHT YOU!" I responded by telling them that THOSE jokes aren't nearly the same as saying that they were going to come to someone's house and [un-alive] them. Plus it's the fact that Bobby knew exactly how his choice of words was triggering my CPTSD, and was making the jokes anyways. I told them how my therapist had said that those kinds of jokes could possibly be seen as terroristic threats, which led to another cast leader questioning my therapist's qualifications (I've been with him for almost seven years now). They continued to say things like "Bobby wasn't doing it on purpose" and that "He speaks before thinking because he's Autistic." I reminded them, AGAIN, that he was aware of my circumstances, and that I was also on the spectrum, but eventually I realized that we were going in circles. As such, I decided to end that particular chat as my anxiety was spiking again.

Real quick.... Remember how Lee filed a NC order against me, and said that they would be willing to try and talk things out once October wrapped up? Well, midway through November, I asked the cast leaders if we could revisit the issue now that October was finished. They said they would look into it, but I never heard back from them. Fast forward to early January of this year, and I ask them again about having me and Lee try and talk things out. More crickets.

Finally, we arrive in the second half of January of 2026. During a particularly intense therapy session, I had a moment of clarity and realized that just being around Bobby was causing me A TON of excess stress and anxiety. I came to this realization when I looked back on the occasional group rehearsals that Bobby wasn't present for, and realized just how much more relaxed and happy I was during those sessions. And so, I went to cast leaders one final time, repeated everything we had covered again, and demanded that Bobby be removed from the cast.

Remember how the cast leaders never answered me about wrapping the issues with Lee? Well, they got back to me in less than 24 hours, stating that they had a meeting, and that they would not be kicking Bobby out because there wasn't enough justification for it based on my statements alone. I repeated AGAIN, everything that had happened. How Bobby refused to stop making jokes about performing explicit acts on me, despite being asked not to. How Bobby refused to stop making un-aliving jokes, despite being asked not to, and how I would be dismissed again and again whenever I tried to share concerns with him. I'm trying to be fair here in my re-telling of this story, but I feel that they came VERY CLOSE to victim-blaming when they told me that it would have been different if I had come to them sooner, and filed multiple individual complaints instead of sending them all in as one large complaint. They said that they needed more than three complaints in order to take action, and that I had only come to them twice. I reminded them of Bobby's other transgressions, including how all so many Jewish members of the community had sent in complaints, but they told me that that issue was closed. I finally told them that I no longer felt safe in cast, and repeated that I wanted Bobby out. They responded by giving me three options.

1: A no-contact order against Bobby, which would still allow him to attend the same shows/events as me. I asked if there was any way he could just NOT ATTEND shows that I was involved in, and I would do the same for shows he was involved in, and they said that wasn't an option.

2: I could petition the entire group to vote on kicking him out, which would require a 2/3 majority vote. However, THAT would require me to tell my entire story to the entire group. Just a reminder that my story consisted of INCREDIBLY vulnerable details of terrible things that had happened to me throughout my life, and disclosing the intimate details behind my CPTSD.

3: I could resign from the group.

I think that, combined with the one leader questioning my therapist's qualifications, was what broke me. It's one thing to write these things out, or tell the story to a couple of people in a private setting. It's an entirely different request to have me speak it aloud to a group of 25-30 people. I also thought back to when Bobby made the antisemitic posts, how over a dozen people from the community demanded he step down, how Bobby cried about how everyone was treating him unfairly, and how the entire cast (including Sally) defended him. I knew I would NEVER get the 2/3 majority vote that I needed, and I didn't wanna put myself through that kind of vulnerable experience for nothing. Then again, I also knew that I could no longer be part of a group in which Bobby was being allowed to run around unchecked.

And so, I quit the group.

In the following days, I reached out to a few trusted people. Some of them were members of other casts, and others were former members of our cast. I told them what happened, and I learned that NONE OF THEM were surprised by Bobby's actions, and that they were even less surprised that the cast leaders were defending him. They all had no idea why, other than varying basic theories about being afraid of hurting Bobby's feelings. Regardless, they all told me that I had done the right thing, and that I would be better off in the long run. Nevertheless, to say that I'm kinda heartbroken is an understatement. Even ignoring how therapeutic I found acting to be, those shows had brought me so much joy. A couple of people also say that I shouldn't have quit, and that I should have continued to fight until ONE OF US was kicked out. However, I’m still conflicted as to whether or not I made the right decision, especially given Lee’s actions.

SO....

AITA FOR ASKING BOBBY TO STOP MAKING TRIGGERING JOKES?

AITA FOR ORDERING BOBBY TO REHEARSE EVEN THOUGH HE WAS TIRED?

AITA FOR DEMANDING THAT BOBBY BE KICKED OUT, OR IS IT POSSIBLE I WAS WEAPONIZING MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH?

So every year, my local theatre in California does a live performance of rocky horror(not the shadow one, it’s live with an orchestra) every year in October, and it gets better and better. They have costume contests, dance competitions,etc.

Anyways, around 2019 it’s towards the end of the show, and frank n furter is performing “I’m going home” and during this scene, riff raff and magenta literally sit with the audience and sing. All of a sudden, the actress who played magenta sits next to me, grabs my head with all her might, and shoves my face right in her tits. Any if it were any other situation, I’d be somewhat appalled, but it was rocky horror, and so I went along🤣 funnily enough, she’s also the theatre director. It was a fun night. If you’ve never seen it live, you’re missing out.

Our local Shadow Cast is just a few years old.

Our local indie-cinema was showing RHPS on Halloween the next year a Shadow Cast troop was formed.

I was looking forward to this show so I went to the theater to get advance tickets and the guy there said they were looking for me.

The town I use to live in had a regular Shadow Cast shows and I picked up their participation script so I knew what to shout and I guess I made an impression.

They comped me my seats so I could lead the call outs

This has been going on for a while now.

I was talking with the producer and they referred to me as their "ShoutCast"

I never heard this term before and I wondered if it's a thing.

If not I think it should be.

hi! free to delete if this isn’t allowed. i have auditions for a local production of rocky horror in a couple weeks, and i’d love some advice for maybe what to wear or just any in general! i’m going for magenta but i’d be happy just to be in it. there’s a singing audition as well as a dance call. would jazz shoes be a good move?