u/1-armed-chewbacca

Hi guys, so I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible whilst also giving enough context. My husband self surrendered to federal prison about a year ago for a crime he committed before we were together. Though I believe that people can make mistakes in tough times of their life and still be a good person, I know a lot of people hear “prison” and instantly think someone is a bad person, so I was very hesitant in the beginning with who I shared this info with (only a couple very close friends and one of my sisters).

About a week before my husband was supposed to surrender, the rest of my family was informed of the news from my dad who was estranged at the time. I’m assuming his new girlfriend found something online about his case after a google search, and he then told my other two siblings and my aunts. My sister and aunt then called me out to dinner to confront me about it, where I broke down and told them everything. I explained how I was dealing with everything myself and was scared everyone would hate him once they knew. That being said, they were very supportive and understanding because they know how strongly I feel for him. But my mom and dad just went through a very messy divorce, so despite him telling all of my siblings and my mom’s siblings, my mom still had no idea, and I just still was not in a place where I was emotionally ready to share that news.

My mom has a bit of a track record of getting upset when things in her kids life don’t go the way she wants them to (I.e. comments about my sisters not wanting kids; being upset when I shared I was engaged because she wasn’t a part of the engagement, even though I literally found the ring myself when cleaning and that’s what led to the unplanned proposal) So to protect myself and my own grieving process, I didn’t tell my mom about my husband until 6 months after he went in. At that point I had coped with the worst of it myself, and just couldn’t keep lying about why my husband couldn’t come to family functions.

Obviously, that went just about as expected. she basically stormed into my apartment when I had the flu because she couldn’t wait until I was better to talk about it. She then talked me into tears where I was just crying on my own couch begging her to leave and give me a few days to physically recoup first but she refused. I then tried to leave my apartment myself, but she insisted that she would still be there when I returned. Finally after multiple threats to call the police, and shutting down and going silent, she finally agreed to leave if I bought her a Lyft to the train station.

Things have just not been the same since then. I know I was in the wrong and hurt her by keeping something so big from her, but I just was not in a place to emotionally handle her endless questions and opinions on top of dealing with the big change in my life. After our fight, I didn’t go to my moms for Christmas, and ended up writing a letter to her about how hurt I was with her reaction, and that I felt that she overstepped the boundaries that I preemptively put in place when I initially told her. While I apologized a lot for not being honest with her, I never really got a sincere apology from my mom about how she handled the news. I just got a “I always will love you, no matter what” kind of text, but that just doesn’t really erase the additional hurt I felt.

It’s now been 8 months, and whenever I see her, she just doesn’t ever acknowledge my husband’s existence. Which hurts me, because in a time where I needed comfort, I got the opposite and felt like I was back in my helpless days of being a kid who had to always be perfect to be accepted. While I’ve grown so, so much in the past year that my husband has been away, and am not quite as much of a people pleaser as I used to be, I still just don’t know how to proceed with my mom.

I feel anxious whenever she calls, and yet I still end up feeling guilty for avoiding her calls. Because whenever I try to talk to her about something that’s bothering me, it just gets blown out of proportion, and I just don’t even have the energy to do it anymore. Anyone have any advice on how to maintain some form of relationship with a parent that you’ve felt hurt by, when you don’t feel like any of your problems are solved through communication? I feel like there’s just too many deep seated issues from before this, that I don’t even know how to move on past this with her. She’s my mom though, and I love her. Any advice or thoughts would be so appreciated.

6 years ago, I was diagnosed with chronic mono after about 12 months of resistant high blood pressure, extreme fatigue, low grade fevers, swollen lymph nodes and pretty much every other random symptom you can think of that came and went. It was the worst experience of my life trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I got so much bloodwork done, multiple biopsies, was passed around from one specialist to the next, with every test coming back as normal. Out of nowhere, my body just healed. The blood pressure went down on its own, and I was able to actually use my brain and my body the way I knew it was capable of again.

Since then, I’ve had flares that last weeks or months at a time. I have been extremely fatigued for about 2 months now. Like as fatigued as I was when I had my initial episode. Some days the most productive thing I do is cry thinking about the energy it will take for me to get up and go to the bathroom. I rarely share my issues with my doctor anymore, because the last time was so frustrating and really messed with my mental health. But I’m at a loss. I need to mention it again because I can hardly do any of my job (thank god I’m self employed, otherwise I would definitely be fired by now). So I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what to advocate for getting tested for. I’ve done most of the primary bloodwork ordered by a PCP, ENT, infectious disease specialist, oncologist, and rheumatologist. But if there’s anything you guys have had experience with that has helped you to understand your body more, I’d love to mention it to my doctor. I’m also uninsured (which I’m sure my doctor will criticize again, because he mentions it every time, and I just dont want to admit to him or myself that I’m just too tired to take on a task like figuring out health insurance on my own), so cheaper tests are definitely preferred