u/4rami4

Used to hit beans every night without fail. Now I can't at all (mainly doing styro) as much as I want to go deeper and it just makes the urges far worse. It might be partially to do with how much scar tissue I've got but the issue is essentially that I cannot keep my urges under control when I'm not getting the same satisfaction. What can I do :(

I've gone through periods of identifying as either trans masc or non-binary in my life but it's always fizzled out in part because I don't usually feel comfortable to advocate for myself/be Different in any way. Part of me loves femininity- I'm wearing a green cardigan right now and I love "feminine" things like birds and flowers and I don't care about anything like sports. I've never been into makeup or clothes (of any kind; I wear a nice mix of men's and women's but also I can't be bothered to think too much about it really) which I've always thought of as a sensory thing but may be a gender thing. But a lot of that is stereotypes (you can be a man and... like birds). I cringe a little when I get she/herred and it just doesn't feel like me but also I get spaced out which is why it's not sticking. I haven't had a That's Me moment when wearing more masc clothes or more fem, I'd say I'm more comfortable in some clothes than others but there's no pattern to thar as far as I can tell. I have never had (or known how to have) very close male close friends but of my female friends I usually don't feel like them. But also I'm autistic and mentally ill so I guess I'm really not like them.

The thing that made me ask this was i was just choosing a podcast to listen to and i had a pang of "I hate how this is a podcast that mainly women listen to. Knowing that makes me enjoy it less and I am self-conscious about enjoying this because I'm not like this" and feel almost emasculated?/like I'm being left out of the podcast. My podcasts of choice both consist of two cishet men and have an even split of listeners if not leaning male. But I don't know where I fall in that or maybe it's just internalised misogyny.

So I'm interested in others' experiences: how did you know you were trans and not just reacting against or internalising misogyny?

I'm having really bad urges to harm myself badly enough to be in the hospital. Currently completely safe though. Weirdly this time I don't think there is the focus on ending things as such at all, and the reason I think that is because part of that thought process is always about how I'd explain it to work and what the reactions would be like. Similarly with the MH team. People at work know I struggle (I'm not sure they understand the extent) so it's not a thing of people not Knowing things are hard. They are having to manage my anxiety as is which isn't fair.

I AM genuinely miserable and to a degree suicidal and genuinely can't continue as things are but I don't think my urges are quite what they seem if you catch my drift because when they pop into my mind it's more about the reactions of services and people at work

I've never been able to contact crisis services/teams and still can't (I have tried quite a few times at this stage but I'm autistic and have really severe anxiety especially around confidentiality and I just don't have it in me. I have tried so so hard to contact them but I just cat convince myself especially when they probably wouldn't help). For reference I have recently been diagnosed with EUPD and OCD on top of anxiety and autism etc. and seeing the PD team in my area soon. My care co has never cared- any incidents I've had have been met with "just try harder"

It just makes me feel like the worst person ever. I hate it. I know it's pathetic I just can't snap out of it. I'm safe and well now and probably won't act on these urges at all but I just don't know what is wrong with me.

Does any of that make sense?