u/69PissyPants

I feel like it has to be.

I’ve been in denial for awhile, but I think I’m a pick me or a former pick me. I think it started as a kid being raised with an older brother. He always berated me for doing anything girly because it “wasn’t cool.” Only masculine stuff was cool. So I started seeing things that way as well. And male validation became more important because their hobbies were “cooler.” So, I started doing things like playing video games instead of Barbie’s. And at a young age (4-6 grade) I noticed boys were immediately shocked and impressed by this. They wanted to be my friend and not friends with the other girls. It made me feel special.

However, I would say I’m independently androgynous. Most people refer to me in that way.

I played guitar, built pedals, played in bands. I made 98% male friends with that hobby. There were girls who would hang around the musicians and watch, but couldn’t play or participate. I secretly felt above them, and I feel bad now. I never told them I felt above them, but I’m sure it showed.

I have less female friends than male friends. That has been changing as I’ve been getting older. I’m 29. But I remember being so happy when my female friends would admit they were jealous of me because I got more male attention at all times. It makes me want to cringe now.

I judge girls for being pick me’s, but I was one. The validation is addicting, and it’s a slippery slope. I didn’t think anything of it until pick me became a common phrase.

But I am not hyper feminine either, and I do get uncomfortable trying to be. It feels performative. But now when I lean more into my masculine side, I feel like a pick me.

I used to not care what people thought of me, and the pick me phrase makes me self conscious.

Girl one: I feel like I slap the label of “emotional cheating” on when it’s cheating that isn’t physical. But it’s not like my BF is confiding in women. For example, one girl was a “secret friend.” She was more of an acquaintance he was horny for that he wasn’t ready to cut out. So he kept an ongoing verbal friendship with her for a year while we were dating. Even though she told him she had a boyfriend, he lied and said he was single. Then, he got a snapchat from her and opened it in front of me and started panicking and acting like a lunatic. He started babbling about how he didn’t even know her and he didn’t know why she’d send what she sent.

I wasn’t looking at his phone when he received it, so idk what it was. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with them talking anymore, and if he wasn’t doing anything wrong he wouldn’t be hiding things. He fought me on it and tried claiming it was platonic and that they were really good friends. Then, the truth came out that he’s always been attracted to her and that they werent actually friends. It was a friend’s ex wife. He had feelings for her the entire ten years his friend was with her. We only stayed together because he agreed to block her on everything.

We ran into her in public, and she was being very friendly with him. Not with me. She had no idea who I was, which makes sense. Then, they hugged for a long time in front of me. I thought it was wrong of him to let her hug him when the only reason I didn’t dump him was because he agreed to block her. I feel like he doesn’t have the capability of saying “No.”

Girl two: My BF clearly had a crush on our coworker. She was ten years younger than us. He would act super stiff, shaky, and weird if the three of us were together. He’d ignore her and not make eye contact with her. Then, when he didn’t think I could see them together, he was super goofy, laughy, flirty, etc. I ignored it for months because I felt like it wasn’t actual cheating, but it was really embarrassing because I feel like other people noticed how differently he acted when I was around vs when I wasn’t.

She was a very bad employee. Low IQ, never learned the basics of her job. She drove a company vehicle, and she hit things all the time with it. Her and I weren’t friendly. I was never mean to her, but I didn’t talk to her unless it was necessary. We worked in different departments, and I was annoyed by what was going on. My BF would complain about women who dressed inappropriately (short shorts) at work all the time. He would either tell on them or confront them himself. He doesn’t like if I wear anything questionable either. I brought up Girl #2’s shorts, because she was wearing a long shirt and you couldn’t tell she was wearing bottoms. He freaked out at me and told me I was jealous. He gave this girl special treatment, and covered her mistakes a lot. If I ever complained about the quality of her work, he would always defend her and justify it. He didn’t treat her like the other employees at all. He was way more critical of my work than he was of hers.

I started having to work with them more later in the year, and when I worked with him, I realized she was completely uncomfortable around him. She wouldn’t look at him or talk to him, and he would try to get her to. He would even complain to me about it, and I’d tell him, “You’re an older guy and she’s a younger girl. If she doesn’t want to be friends with you, leave her alone.”

I finally confronted him, and at first, he admitted that he had a crush on her and was acting on it/showing how interested he was in her too much. Then, he back pedaled, told me I was crazy, and told me no one at work likes me.

Girl three: I actually liked girl three in the beginning. She was his friend’s girlfriend. My BF hated her at first. He would complain about her being narcissistic, attention seeking, over sharing, annoying, etc… All of these things were valid in a way, but she told me she didn’t have any friends. And she started crying. So I felt bad for her and was nice to her.

Fast forward, my BF and I get in a fight about how inappropriate he’s being with other women. I tell him I want to take a break. To prove to me he can change, he told me he was going to abide by my boundaries over the break because he really wanted me to take him back.

He started staying up all night playing Xbox with girl #3. He lied and said he was playing alone. He downloaded and was playing this really weird, girly game. He claimed he downloaded it to play with me, but he was already super far into it, and it didn’t make sense. I start playing with him, Girl #3 joins the Xbox party, and starts talking about how much fun him and her have been having. She knew we had been on a break and why, and she was really rubbing it in my face. She told me, in game, that I wasn’t the same level as them so I should go off and play by myself while they play together. Then, she started private messaging him jokes while the three of us were playing. Afterwards, he tried saying he wasn’t attracted to her and it wasn’t a big deal, but he did end up admitting he was attracted to her/pursuing her/ enjoying the attention.

Girl 4: He had an emotional affair with his friend’s wife before he met me. Then, she was with the both of us, first time meeting me, she starts rubbing his chest and telling him how hot he is. And how everything he does is hot. Then, I was left alone with her for four hours, and she was a giant, aggressive bitch to me for no reason.
Afterwards, I confront him, and he gaslights me and told me the entire interaction that happened in front of me never actually happened. And that I’m making things up. So I dumped him, and that’s when he admitted he had an affair with her in the past and that it wasn’t in my head.

Girl 5: We’ve had many boundary discussions and fights at this point. He tells me girl 5 reached out. She’s a friend’s ex. He wants to stay friendly and get to know her better. Tells me they had a long conversation, she wants to meet me, and that she even invited me over. I tell him that after everything that has happened, I’m not comfortable with him having a new female friend. He asks me what he should say, and I tell him to just be honest, say he’s had emotional cheating issues in the past, and that it’s not cool right now. He didn’t say it.

We end up all being together in public at an event. She’s being super warm and physical with my BF in front of me, but she’s silently staring at me like I’m an insect. A lot of other friends were there, and I felt humiliated because it was so weird. She lets him hold her baby. She doesn’t offer for me to. Just super exclusionary and cold.

Later, I tell him I don’t believe she actually invited me over and was excited to meet me. He shows me their text conversation. He did bring me up a lot in the conversation, and she wouldn’t engage with him anytime I was brought up. She flirted and joked with him the whole time. The only time she asked about me was right in the beginning. “Are you still with that girl?” And she was clearly disappointed he said yes. She invites him to her house. He asks if I can come with, and she reluctantly agrees but says “only if it’s really that important to you.”

She kept trying to spark up more conversations. Basically trying to text him conversationally on a daily basis. I tell him it’s making me uncomfortable. Her intentions are clear, and he should’ve shut it down a lot sooner. He tells her that he’s been unfaithful in the past and that it’s not okay for them to talk anymore. Her reaction was one that could’ve gone in the “nice girls” subreddit. She was down bad for him, and she did not handle the rejection well.

I have other examples. These are just the ones that come to mind.

TW: Self Harm/Suicide

We were fighting about him being inappropriate with another girl. Not cheating, just inappropriate. When he gets called out for something, he goes off the deep end and berates me. Any negative thing he can think of, he says in those moments.

He told he does everything, and I do nothing. He can’t tell whether or not I love him because of the fact I do nothing. He said he feels more like a caretaker than a boyfriend.

For the majority of the relationship, I’ve done way more of the cleaning and cooking than he does. We work together, and we both have very physical jobs.

I have neuro symptoms/issues that flare up. My feet and legs have been numb and weak for about a month now, and I’m clinically exhausted on a daily basis. I come home from work and go right to sleep.

I asked him, “have you always felt this way?”

He said, “No. Just recently.”

I said, “So it’s only been the past few weeks where I’ve been telling you that I don’t physically feel like I can do my job anymore. My feet and legs are numb. I’m incontinent. I don’t have the energy to do the bare minimum of taking care of myself. And right now you’re upset that I’m not pulling my weight.”

He told me he’s been reading about it online and that his feelings are normal and valid.

He knows I struggle with thoughts of “checking out early” because of how low my quality of life is and how much pain I’m in. I’ve basically felt like his mom for most of the relationship with zero complaints, and I have a flare-up and he jumps to saying I do nothing in the relationship.

He has emotionally cheated in the past, and the reason why I’ve forgiven him is because he’s been way more empathetic and non-judgmental about my medical issues than any other person in my life.

He told me he was saying stuff he didn’t mean because he’s was mad at me, but I feel worthless. I’ve been pushing myself past my limits cleaning and cooking the past few days to compensate. He says I’m doing it passive aggressively to punish him. I’m doing it so I don’t feel useless or like I’m a burden.

He DOES NOT CLEAN A LOT. He is not a clean person. He does the dishes once a week when I’m not feeling well. When I’m feeling well, I do all of the cleaning. Before we lived together, I used to go to his apartment to clean it before his landlord was coming over so his landlord wouldn’t get pissed.

I feel like he just threw it in my face because he was pissed about what I had to say about what he was doing with the other girl.

I have a disease/nerve issues that is causing my incontinence. Ever since I started struggling with this, I don’t squirt/gush when I would have normally during sex or masturbating. I don’t squirt or gush AT ALL anymore.

The pressure that would build up beforehand still builds up though, and sometimes I’ll become incontinent a few hours after masturbating, and it seems like I’m leaking ejaculate based on smell/taste/color/consistency. Not urine. Is this plausible?

Don’t get me wrong, I also have bladder incontinence.

I hate the initial google results for Sjogrens. When people I know google the disease, they say it’s not that bad. The description of it minimizes it most of the time. I have to explain to people that it causes neurological issues, and they don’t believe me because Google doesn’t say that. 🥲