I think I might be a pick me
I’ve been in denial for awhile, but I think I’m a pick me or a former pick me. I think it started as a kid being raised with an older brother. He always berated me for doing anything girly because it “wasn’t cool.” Only masculine stuff was cool. So I started seeing things that way as well. And male validation became more important because their hobbies were “cooler.” So, I started doing things like playing video games instead of Barbie’s. And at a young age (4-6 grade) I noticed boys were immediately shocked and impressed by this. They wanted to be my friend and not friends with the other girls. It made me feel special.
However, I would say I’m independently androgynous. Most people refer to me in that way.
I played guitar, built pedals, played in bands. I made 98% male friends with that hobby. There were girls who would hang around the musicians and watch, but couldn’t play or participate. I secretly felt above them, and I feel bad now. I never told them I felt above them, but I’m sure it showed.
I have less female friends than male friends. That has been changing as I’ve been getting older. I’m 29. But I remember being so happy when my female friends would admit they were jealous of me because I got more male attention at all times. It makes me want to cringe now.
I judge girls for being pick me’s, but I was one. The validation is addicting, and it’s a slippery slope. I didn’t think anything of it until pick me became a common phrase.
But I am not hyper feminine either, and I do get uncomfortable trying to be. It feels performative. But now when I lean more into my masculine side, I feel like a pick me.
I used to not care what people thought of me, and the pick me phrase makes me self conscious.