u/90daycray27

Taking it for BPD and combined it with my Effexor which I’ve taken for 5 years for anxiety.

I didn’t feel any change at all until I got up to 100.

I felt some crazy high energy at 150 but idk… not “better.” No less rage. No less mood instability. If anything it’s gotten worse.

Do I wait it out? I’ve been on this dose a month and I’m willing to go up to 200 but I just can’t tell if it’s doing anything at all.

All I really felt was less of a filter and more recklessness in a way. Like less impulse control.

I also experienced some bad brain fog and memory issues each time I upped my dosage.

I got on this med as a last resort bc dbt alone isn’t helping me but genuinely idk if it’s made me better or worse. I’m running out of options so I don’t wanna give up on it quite yet but I’m torn.

What similarities did you notice between the shows? Donny and Ruben are very different characters obviously and Gadds physical transformation between characters was phenomenal.

I noticed shared themes of stalking, sexual abuse, fear, identity crises and an inability to stop going back to someone who is bad for you

The mom has had questionable morals the whole time but I honestly applauded when she handed Niall’s ass to him and told him he is not successful as an author and lives in a shit hole and needs to get a real job.

It was really a reality check, and he needed that. The brutal honesty was powerful.

What do you think?

After seeing the circle jerk car park scene, I was so confused and had to look up what was going on. We call it cruising in the states, but in the UK they call it dogging. Basically going to meet up spots looking for anonymous sex.

The bathroom hookups were referred to as cottaging by the librarian. And he said online it was listed as a local hotspot for hookups. Literally Niall would make eye contact with random men and that would be the signal that they’re looking for sex.

It was sort of like the 90s / 2000s version of Grindr.

I had no idea about this… was anyone else confused or did you automatically know what this was?

After being blown away by baby reindeer I fell in love with Richard gadd and was excited to dive into half man. Here’s my review:

First off I noticed that Gadd loves to write a dark and twisted tale - just like baby reindeer, there is psychological torture, stalking, obsession, and severe mental issues.

I also love how both shows incorporated gadd’s queerness into them, showcasing sexual shame and internal conflict around sexuality.

Let’s actually start there. I learned a lot about gay culture during the 90s in the later episodes of this show. The characters referred to those circle jerk car scenes and the library bathroom hookups as “dogging” (we would use the term cruising in the US) and “cottaging.” Never heard of this before. Basically closeted men would kind of congregate to do this - and go to stops where it was known hookups would happen. It was discrete and on the down low.

I like how the dogging eventually circled back to his childhood bully, the one who got bloodily battered by Ruben. Niall was shocked to realize he was also closeted and gay.

Living your life in secret like that for so long eats away at you - you could literally see the stress on his face even as a kid. The actor had these “deer in headlights” eyes that spoke volumes.

The scene where Niall lost his virginity was absolutely assault and not consensual - which he didn’t even notice as weird until he talked to alby who was so concerned. But the breathing - having Ruben breathe with him and falling into that bliss… we knew then that he was queer.

Sadly Donny had assault too, in the scene with the predatory director in baby reindeer. So heartbreaking but as a survivor I’m glad he is bringing light to these horrors- and showing that it happens to men as well as women.

They also showcased the double standard. “It’s okay my mom is gay… but me being gay… it’s different for men… it’s more… shameful,” Niall said to Alby. Absolutely awful, but that’s really how he felt, consumed by the shame. It didn’t help that the word gay was used as an insult and the f word was thrown around repeatedly by Ruben and others. Internalized homophobia is real.

Speaking of the moms, The whole dynamic was awful with their household. It shattered me that Ruben’s mom manipulated Niall’s mom into manipulating him to constantly help Ruben. I’m glad Niall called out how awful Maura was for enabling and excusing Ruben constantly during the hospital fight scene. Truly she might be worse than he is.

Then let’s talk about the man, the myth, the legend: Alby. The one person in all of Niall’s life who actually got him. “I’m a performer too.” That’s all he needed to say, they both just knew.

And niall was so close too… they were so close to getting together that first week of uni, but Niall was too obsessed with Ruben to let it happen.

I loved young albys actor - I was hanging on his every word, every facial expression, every glance (go to TikTok for some cute montages if you’re interested lol). Incredible.

The “it’s okay” when Niall was crying… the “we can watch films” when he wanted to take it slow… it was all just so sweet. But niall had to go and ruin it.

Not only did he choose Ruben over Alby whenever given the opportunity, but he got alby nearly killed in the crossfire. Alby was no match for Ruben’s unparalleled rage and nialls desperate desire to stay closeted. It’s absolutely awful what happened to him.

I really wish I knew how Alby and Niall reconnected and got back together… it seems impossible to be okay talking after that happened. Even if Niall did refuse to lie on the stand, it was really the least he could do. His brother ruined albys face.
I think this interaction was intentionally left unfinished to leave us guessing - just like the final fight between Ruben and Niall.

The stalking scene, where Niall showed up at Ruben’s house, reminded me a lot of baby reindeer. But not Martha, the stalker… it reminded me of Donny, the victim. Because as bad as he knew it was to interact with Martha, he kept. On. Doing. It. He kept on going back for more. And that’s exactly what Niall did when Ruben got out of jail. It’s almost like he couldn’t stop himself….

I know that a lot of this show is about male rage (which Ruben’s mom insanely kept calling an “illness” like.. girl) … but I saw so much more than that. I saw a scared boy terrified to come out, and a disgruntled gay man who felt unsafe to have a real gay relationship in public - who accepted his fate of being confined to car parks and bathroom stalls.

I saw someone suffocated by anxiety, pressure, conflict for decades. And of course I saw the rage too- I saw someone deeply disturbed, blinded by anger, completely out of control. Yet completely remorseless.

Niall felt more guilty than Ruben did for the atrocities he committed… truly trippy.

And yes in the end Ruben got ahead, got the house and the wife…. And Niall had a rough go (Ruben can maybe be blamed for the initial breakdown but the rest of his shitty life was his doing and I his mom was right - I loved that scene where she told him to get a job, harsh but true )….

But in the end Niall got his wedding… and his revenge? Maybe

Taking it for borderline personality disorder. After a few months of titration i got up to 100mg. Immediately noticed brain fog, poor short term memory, constant dissociation and feeling like I’m floating.

I have also been taking Effexor for 5 years (150mg) for anxiety. And thyroid medication for my hashimotos.

Now im up to 150mg of lamictal. and those symptoms have continued. But im also feeling manic.

Borderline is characterized by mood swings from high to low in short periods - over the course of hours or at most a day (at least in my case). There is also persistent emptiness and lack of identity which I try to fill with impulsive, dopamine seeking behavior.

I don’t have mania per se just bursts of feeling high and extra productive. Bipolar however includes longer periods of depression and mania, a few days of each one (as per my understanding).

My psych told me lamictal as a mood stabilizer would help to slow me down a bit and give me the extra space to think before impulsively reacting or exploding with anger. It is meant to smooth out my highs and lows throughout the day too. And also to help lessen my feelings of extreme rage.

I don’t even think it’s doing that bc I am still experiencing extreme rage and screamed at someone on the street recently for blocking the road and holding up traffic.

I’m currently experiencing the numbness and dissociation plus feelings of extreme high energy and desire to be productive. Despite feeling dead inside and crying hysterically over some difficult life events, I still have the ability to force myself to complete work, do chores, exercise and eat healthy. This should be a good thing but I feel empty while doing it, on autopilot. Like a shell of a human running on empty. Yet I am addicted to the productivity and try to chase it more.

What is making me wonder if this is mania is that I am writing extremely long paragraphs and emails without a second thought and almost feeling like it’s “not really me” writing it. I am being extra caring with the emails and sending mass emails - this is just such odd behavior for me and it seems to be happening without me even really consciously choosing to do it. Some of the emails are replies, while others are outreach for networking, my job, etc or reaching out to old friends.

Normally I block old friends and do not allow them in. I also feel totally fine and numb at the prospect of ghosting and ignoring some people, which I have never been able to do. I always feel horribly bad about it bc I know how devastated I feel when being treated like this.

It’s almost like I’m desperately trying to make amends or express extreme kindness / empathy with some people, while actively ignoring others and there’s no rhyme or reason to it.

Also my job that I have historically hated and put the bare minimum effort into (I don’t get paid enough to care) - I am now caring about and trying really hard. Perhaps because of mania or perhaps as a way to numb out further?

It’s almost like my personality has done a complete 180?

Even as I write this I wonder if I’m having a manic episode because what I’m writing doesn’t seem to make much sense.

I am able to hold conversations and act relatively normal at work and with acquaintances (I don’t have any close friends), but I don’t feel normal. I feel insane.

Has anyone else experienced this? Do I seem manic? Can lamictal cause mania? Thanks!