u/Academic_Drawer5595

Since last Christmas I've had a constant baseline level of depression that gets worse from time to time (I think it's called double depression) and I can't keep living like this. Any advice on how to help this, ik it's vague but anything will help. I can't get any medication or professional treatment.

My whole life my parents decided I would become a scientist but I'm sick of it. I'm too depressed as it is and a job like that would kill me. In a dream world I would write and act in theatre but my parents wouldn't let me or support me so that's just a silly dream. It's not an option for people like me anyway. That's what they always tell me. I don't mind history but teaching would be the death of me.

I (17 FtM trans, closeted) have had a horrible day. Today is my birth day and it has been awful. I've been dreading it all day because in my mind I wasn't supposed to make it to 17. I got a few presents from my parents today but they weren't anything that I'd actually like and were all very feminine. I'm long distance with my bf and he forgot about it being my birth day. A few people ik sent my happy birth day texts but they don't ever speak to them otherwise. I failed my driving theory test by one question so I have to redo it and on the drive home from the test centre my mother said "are you sure you studied enough" in a really condescending voice when I was already crying because of bad today already was and I lost it.

I'm starting to realise how alone I really am. Everyone else my age had birth day parties.... I'm sat on the couch trying not to cry because I'll get in trouble for crying. I've been depressed all year since Christmas it's been really bad but today's just been... The worst fucking day I could have... Please help me...

I'm alone on my birth day

I (17 FtM trans, closeted) have had a horrible day. Today is my birth day and it has been awful. I've been dreading it all day because in my mind I wasn't supposed to make it to 17. I got a few presents from my parents today but they weren't anything that I'd actually like and were all very feminine. I'm long distance with my bf and he forgot about it being my birth day. A few people ik sent my happy birth day texts but they don't ever speak to them otherwise. I failed my driving theory test by one question so I have to redo it and on the drive home from the test centre my mother said "are you sure you studied enough" in a really condescending voice when I was already crying because of bad today already was and I lost it.

I'm starting to realise how alone I really am. Everyone else my age had birth day parties.... I'm sat on the couch trying not to cry because I'll get in trouble for crying.

I'm alone on my birth day

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I (17 FtM trans, closeted) have had a horrible day. Today is my birth day and it has been awful. I've been dreading it all day because in my mind I wasn't supposed to make it to 17. I got a few presents from my parents today but they weren't anything that I'd actually like and were all very feminine. I'm long distance with my bf and he forgot about it being my birth day. A few people ik sent my happy birth day texts but they don't ever speak to them otherwise. I failed my driving theory test by one question so I have to redo it and on the drive home from the test centre my mother said "are you sure you studied enough" in a really condescending voice when I was already crying because of bad today already was and I lost it.

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I'm starting to realise how alone I really am. Everyone else my age had birth day parties.... I'm sat on the couch trying not to cry because I'll get in trouble for crying.

HUGE grap now but God, after Jesus is born, is far more compassionate and just towards people then he is in the old testament where he did things such as flood the entire Earth. Is it possible that the purpose of Jesus, or at least a part of that purpose was to save us from the malice of the old testament God? Why else would he have to die for our sins when he was sent by God? It's just feels like pointless suffering for an unnecessarily bureaucratic system otherwise.

HUGE grap now but God, after Jesus is born, is far more compassionate and just towards people then he is in the old testament where he did things such as flood the entire Earth. Is it possible that the purpose of Jesus, or at least a part of that purpose was to save us from the malice of the old testament God? Why else would he have to die for our sins when he was sent by God? It's just feels like pointless suffering for an unnecessarily bureaucratic system otherwise.