u/AdGroundbreaking6349

lol the title says it all. But it’s just a little rant because It’s really fucking lonely. I’m not conventionally attractive, I’m a fucking fat fuck, and I have social anxiety and honestly don’t do anything with my life.

Would it be nice to have friends? Yeah it would but I just don’t know how to talk to people or go outside. I would love to be in a relationship with a girl, I would love to craft and write letters to my lover but I’m just a loser. I didn’t go to school, I don’t do much through the days, I can’t even handle a job, I’m just nothing. I’m trying to be somebody so I can find friends and maybe a girlfriend but it’s hard.

I just needed to get this out there because I feel like I can’t talk about it anywhere else or to my few family members I can trust.

When I was younger I used to care a lot about things. I cared about others, the world, my family, and of course my own future. Now it feels like it doesn’t matter.

For a long time I was always caring about what other people did, said, the world, my family, and such but it was always in an anxious place. I always was anxious about the world, but now I just don’t care. I don’t care about getting a job or having a family, I don’t care what my family think of me or what I do, I don’t care if I die today or tomorrow. I don’t care if the world suddenly ends. I can’t bring myself to care with this heavy exhaustion. It never goes away even if I sleep, even if I talk it out, go outside, take medication, or whatever. It never does.

A part of me wishes I could bring myself to have some hope to care. But in the end it feels useless to me.

This is silly, but I’ve just been drinking coffee a lot lately. The only coffee I found already in the house was a light roast so I added more scoops to really get the dark flavor.

When it’s done I add just two spoonfuls of sugar, half a Dutch bros cup of the coffee and half normal milk. It tastes fine not too sweet or milked down. Anyway I never really drank coffee much so I’m surprised I’m drinking it as much as I am.

I just hope I don’t start getting a caffeine burn out lol

I’ve struggled mentally my entire childhood and into my teenage years.. for a long time I never thought this dread and pain would go away.. and yet as of this year, the year I turned 18 I feel okay.

I’m in a safer place, I’m in a safer mindset, I haven’t fallen back into my relapses, I’ve done so much self care and reflection(I will admit that doesn’t mean I’m perfect but I am still growing and learning) it’s just so amazing. Amazing because I always thought I’d never make it out of that hell. But I did.

It may not be gone forever, I may have ups and downs but I still made it. And I’m proud of myself for that because I sure as hell went through a lot to get into my current position.

I haven’t talked to myself in a while. I’ll sit and just stare at the sky as the sun sets and let my mind settle and wander. It’s peaceful, but what’s more peaceful and I may seem a little crazy is talking to myself.

I sit and talk, like i am talking to someone. It’s nice being able to talk and understand and feel my words and feelings. I never really talk throughout the day so it’s really relieving to sit and talk to the sky. I love the sky, the clouds, Mother Nature. I wish I was able to sit alone next to a lake and fish.

It sounds silly to ask this question but it makes me wonder will it ever get better?

Context is my father used to be a very mentally unstable man but he never ever got help for it. He always was sure he had depression, but when I asked him if he ever suspected anything else he would always say possibly bipolar or some mood disorder and maybe a personality disorder and truth be told my mom would always say he had this different version on himself that he never remembered but she did. My father would end up drinking himself to death but before that night he sat me down and said

“I hope you know it never gets better. It’ll only get worse the older you get.”

Sometimes it feels true, but then other times it doesn’t. I just want to hear from other people, does it get better? Does it get worse? or was my father just projecting his negativity onto me before he kicked the bucket?

The title says enough. I’ve been in this constant state of haze, like the world blurs together and I blink and my day is gone. It’s gotten worse over time and god it fucking sucks that it’s genuinely making my life shit.

I used to be able to just shove it aside and push forward. Sometimes I’d numb it with substance but not I’m just unable to do anything. I barely can think straight, I’m tired all the time, when I go outside and I’m in public to long I get exhausted and irritated, I can’t work, I can’t even do schoolwork, I can’t do anything. I’m just stuck.

Ive tried to make changes, just small. I’ve tried reading for only five minutes and I can’t focus on the words, I’ve tried just sitting down outside and I just feel out of body, l barely even remember to eat… it fucking sucks man, and I know I need help or meds but god getting help is expensive. Not to mention in my state the behavioral health system sucks.😕