u/Admirable-Drink-8976

Preferably similar to The Angelic Process, Have a nice life and Swans.

For starters, I don't have a social life. For all of my life, I've been spending my time alone, since I have social anxiety and other mental health issues. As expected, I don't have anyone to hang out with.

I tried getting a job, but the ones that fit my criteria are limited, and they usually ignore my applications. For the ones that don't, my parents are against it, either saying that the shifts are too long or that I need to focus on my studies.

My hobbies are also limited. I try new things, however, I get bored fast or drop anything I'm not good at on the first try. I'm currently learning new languages and doing some art projects, but that's all. To waste my free time, I have an average of 8 hours of screen time and another 12 hours on sleeping. Every once in a while, I watch movies or read.

The only exercise I get is an occasional 1h walk. I don't have any gyms in my area to go to, either.

I really tried to enjoy life alone, as many individuals may recommend, but I don't like it. I despise it when I'm alone, and everyone else around me is with a friend or someone they're close to. On top, most activities are better when spent in group, imo. For anyone that wants to suggest family events, my family and I never did anything together, and I don't think they have a want for something like that. We barely talk with each other, also.

It's depressing to spend "the best years of my life" with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Every year, I tell myself how it'll get better and how I will have friends, but nothing happens. I'm too incompetent to know how to meet others while not distancing myself. I keep seeing what people my age are doing, and I feel left out. As a kid, I always thought my teenage years would be interesting, full of risky stuff, having tons of friends, relationships. It's not, at least in my case.

I prefer the usual school program because I at least have people whom I'm forced to interact with and stuff to care about. Now, I have too much free time that I can't find a use for.

Recently, I've been using it to reflect on my life and mental health. Safe to say, my depression has been worsening. It has been like this my whole life, I just sit in my room all day, sometimes going weeks without having a conversation with someone.

Can anyone please suggest stuff to fill the void or tips on how to not go insane from loneliness? I'm getting desperate, since I've been using my summers uselessly for the past 18 years of my life.

For starters, I've have spent the majority of my life alone. I was relentlessly bullied as child and my parents kept me in a bubble, thus I didn't have the chance or knowledge on how to meet others. I did have some other friends some time ago, but we barely talk anymore as we're at different schools and usually busy.

Now, last year in September, I moved schools and had the opportunity to know new people. It was great, clean start, everyone got along with me, I was more talkative and friendly than usual, and so I made myself some friends. They were, and still are, the only people that like the same things as me.

The only problems about it was how I was the 5th member. They knew each other for a long time, and I was new and no one's favorite. In every class, I was to sit alone, while they sat in pairs with their best friend. However, we got along amazingly, we chatted a lot, had a group chat, shared food, had hang outs, shared interests etc.. Until I realized that I was extra, and didn't fit so well. I should also mention here that this feeling of mistrust was also caused by depression and derealization, as my mental health got worse after some time with insomnia.

For this reason, I wondered if they would notice if I was to stop talking. I began to not start conversations, and just be around. As expected, they barely kept it up for a few weeks, but eventually they stopped interacting with me.

I was skeptical about it, and kept wanting to go back, but something told me not to. To the surprise of no one, they moved on slowly, got a new group chat, the dynamic shifted, more drama and favoritism towards each other.

The breaking point came when during a class trip, they didn't notice I was missing. Long story short, there was a trip, I woke up late so I missed the bus, I texted one of my friends if they have left and he left me on seen. The person that called me to ask where I am was a acquittance of mine, who actually saw I wasn't there. Later, my friends acted shocked and pitiful as I wasn't around. Personally, I'm more mad about them not observing my absence, than not going on a trip which I paid money for.

I only had necessary conversations with them afterwards, with basic subjects such as homework. I even declined going on a free, school-planned tour in another city since I knew they would go there. Unless there's something important, I don't talk to them. Truthfully, looking deeper into it, I'm kinda glad I left since despite having common interests, we had polar opposite views, and also the group is parting in horrible ways by the introduction of a new guy, who I heavily dislike.

One of the only things I despise about my departure is how I have no one at this point. Every day, I waste my time alone. I don't have any friends since I last spoke with them. I sometimes even imagine individuals interacting with me.

I'm used to it, but now it hits 10 times worse since it's my fault. I could have avoided it by just being happy with being the 5th wheel and pretending I'm not jealous of them having best friends and being more close.

On terms of making new friends, I don't know how to do that. This friendship that I've described was brought to me by a simple band shirt compliment. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have had any friends whatsoever. From other's point of view, I'm quite helpful and friendly, however, I don't know what people do in general as I have some peculiar likings and hobbies, at least according to people.

Three days ago, I got SAed by a very drunk individual. I don't want to go into detail, but it was in the form of unconsensual touching.

To begin, I have a high sex drive, as I am a male in my late teens, 19 to be exact, and I am still struggling with hormones. Some might even call me hypersexual, since I use sexual fantasies and masturbation as a way to manage stress. My sexual fantasies are quite specific, usually containing a certain person that is my teacher, who I have a crush on. For context, I find my teacher attractive, and I took a liking into him when he started paying attention to me as I was very active in his class. We never talked about anything except the subject he teaches. Safe to say nothing weird has happened between us outside of my imagination. These fantasies have been happening for 6 month at this point, for anyone who needs to know.

Now, I have the freeze response, which I also used during my assault. I feel completely guilty and disgusting as I just sat there and did nothing. On top, my body didn't get the memo, and as a on the spot coping mechanism, I got aroused. I'm aware that is common, and that bodily reactions don't equal consent, so no need to tell me about it.

Afterwards, I didn't feel much. Since three days ago, I barely feel anything besides disgust towards the event. If something, I keep distracting myself with hobbies or scrolling.

Another coping mechanism that I've been using is replaying the event, but changing the scenery. Instead of that individual, I've been thinking it's my teacher. Every time my brain brings it up, I immediately imagine it was my teacher who touched me. My sexual fantasies have multiplied since, from thinking about sex every once in a while to multiple times a day. This of course has increased my libido, and I've been masturbating to the thought of my teacher SAing me.

I can only sense shame and repulsion towards my fantasies. I feel as perverse as my assaulter due to what I imagine. I keep making an awful image of my teacher, and I'm not sure I can look him in the eyes anymore. I haven't seen him in a 5 days as my classes with him are limited, but I'm certain that seeing him will give me flashbacks or make me act in a way, either going completely quiet or aroused.

Also, my brain suppresses the true memory, sometimes making me forget it was a real act and not just my mind inventing scenarios. Most times when I get flashbacks, it immediately jumps to the picture of my teacher. That and hating people touching me, I just freeze whenever someone touches me in any way.

I wanted to share my experience on here, since I don't have anyone to talk to a about it in real life. I'm aware of how my feelings are strong due to how recent the event is, and that after a while I'll possibly forget about it. I don't desire anyone validating me, but instead someone to tell me what to do and how to cope differently.