u/Affectionate-End6767

This is super harmful way of thought and I want everyone to know I'm not telling any other person that they are "expired", it would be super dehumanising to do, no person ever expires, to grow old is normal but I'm 18 and from the moment I got groomed Im constantly looking for reasons to confirm I'm not past expiration date.

I'm constantly reenacting my trauma, trying to see how far I can go before I get so triggered I have to pull back, I'm constantly tipping over the edge of retraumatising myself and avoiding it all and I can't seem to understand how this thing I'm becoming is the same girl who used to cheerfully wait for her college years and independence.

I'm living in this constant Dichotomy of I am young and I am old, of I'm so childish and I'm too mature, of I'm too naïve and I'm too self aware.

Being a victim felt like the only way to be loved, listened, protected and cared for and now that I can't be a victim of the abuse and type of sexualisation I was used to I feel at a loss.

Let me clarify that I am not glorifying what happened to me, it just that my brains are so jumbled up I process things so weirdly and I'm sorry

I went through sexual grooming as a 17 year old by my teacher who was considerably older. At the time I knew what he was doing and I thought I had it under control yet now at 18 some months later after we stopped talking I realised that I didn't have control over anything and that i was pretty much playing with fire until eventually I realised I did get burnt.

Since I realised I feel as if a part of me abandoned me and I can't really tell what, my days are repetitive and I live with this underlying anxiety I didn't live with before. I can't do so many things I used to do: I can't play the instrument I liked anymore, I can't go to the spaces that I used to adore or even go through the same street he lives in without feeling dread, I can't eat certain things because he always used to gift me those same foods, I still have some of his fucking stuff lingering around my room and sometimes I just feel him materialise in my mind: like a second voice that resonates when silence becomes this overwhelming force I can't escape.

To be honest my only comforts are listening to music and spending time with people so I don't have to be alone with my head.

I feel crazy and I feel alone, I feel my brain eating at itself and I hate it because It didn't used to be this thing, I used to be ok not so alert all the time, so "triggered" by random shit.

I can't do so many things I used to do anymore,no can't go to certain places, look at certain people, even being near someone who looks similar is terrible and I spiral, I can't eat certain foods, I can't even say certain jokes, I can't stay alone for too long. Before I realised what happened I was so happy: i used to be a whole person now I'm in parts and honestly I have no idea how to organise them all back up again.

Hii so I have been drawing for a long time, and I have been doing digital art work for years, but lately I have been really wanting to get a tablet to start drawing without having to squint at my screen for hours, being able to use a pen comfortably and of course upgrading the quality of my artwork. So please recommend me some if you know!

Like a never ending anguish but it's been happening since I realised I got groomed and I honestly don't know how to fix it. I can't even name what it is.

It pains me a lot to see so many young people expose themselves to predators online, all my life I was exposed to creepy older people and grooming and I suppose that now seeing so many young people asking in social media to get groomed (obviously craving to be seen, to be validated but not knowing how to get it in their irl circle) makes me want to save and help them. I write comments trying to warn them, trying to get them to seek help and it's draining me really because i feel so helpless. Maybe it's just part of now being 18 and not wanting to see young people go through that. but wanted to know if anyone else feels like this saviour type of complex.

This man used to be a friend of my aunt's so I have known him since I was a kid (never close tho), he also works at the music institute I have been going to throughout my entire childhood and teen years. when I turned 17 I got him as my private tutor (he's around 30 something). Anyways I have always been very chatty and enjoyed talking to my teachers, so over time he stopped doing anything but chat with me too, he bought me food, offered to get me drugs at points because he knew I wanted really bad to smoke weed, he was super cool and I saw him as an uncle (but I must admit that deep in my gut I kind of knew he had some other intentions).

I knew it was kind of a tricky situation and that he was probably grooming me and I always told myself that I was kind of using him to get attention and feel better about myself, feel more mature and stuff. Slowly he started to get a little more sexual, tell me classic dark humour jokes, comment on my insta stories, send me explicit texts, slightly touch my body when showing me how to play certain things on the bass, sitting close to me, taking me home, hugging me really intimately when I left.

When I reminded him I'm not 18 yet he suddenly stopped —i must admit I got really desperate and started to text him a lot because I craved his attention at some degree— but by the time I turned 18 he became more explicit( ex. Your dark eyes enchant me, you are so beautiful, if only you were here, I miss you, come back, I wish I could eat you etc) , sending messages about my body, about the way I laugh, or speak, it all felt really disgusting because I knew it was weird but not that bad. we made some calls, he never treated me badly but at some point it stopped and I found out he's talking to another girl a little younger than me and while now I see and feel bad for the girl I also feel this sick jealousy that I know is not healthy. Yet perhaps my biggest concern is because there was no explicit or violent abuse it isn't really grooming but more of a weird teacher situation. I don't mean to occupy a space created for real grooming victims or claim an experience that isn't really mine so I apologise for that if it is the case.