u/Aggravating-Age-8061

I got married pretty recently but this has come up again in the lead up to a friend's wedding, and I'm curious to know about other brides' experiences with anxiety here, especially retrospectively! I should caveat this post with the fact I am a perfectionist in every part of my life and have a tendency to hyperfixate.

Does anybody else find it really draining and also a little sad that so much pressure is put on brides to look like utter perfection on their wedding day? Yes we all want to look great. But it's honestly crazy to me that so much of that superficial pressure seems to be felt by brides. Nobody else. It's always 'I feel like I need to lose weight/shape up/tone/tan and look the best I ever have', or look totally camera ready and perfect at all times. 

I do get it, but wedding days are:

- LONG - who has time for serious makeup touch ups?!

- Stressful (as well as exciting and wonderful!)

- Whether expensive or not, a lot to organise

- Known for things, even minor, going wrong as so much is involved

- Ultimately, all about the love!! 

This anxiety started for me after my own wedding.

My dress shifted at some point, so annoyingly the top of the corset band was poking out of the V in the back of the dress in some photos. A lovely guest pointed it out and tucked it in but annoyingly it was after a lot of our portraits. I think I was genuinely the only person to really notice because I'm a little OCD and if you didn't know the structure of the dress it just looks a bit more straight cut at the back. I also looked like a hot mess by the end of the day. I got a little reception mini because my gown was HOT and heavy, but it was off shoulder and I ended up tying the sleeves back and wearing it with platform trainers so I could dance away 🤣 I didn't even think about whether I'd like the photos of me in it (I look super happy, but not at all polished and have kind of berated myself for not wearing it properly and making more effort with my appearance). 

But I don't want thoughts like that to detract from what was a wonderful day, and it's great because I obviously wasn't bothered about how I looked in the moment! It was all about the laughs, fun, and celebrating with friends and family. 

I don't like the rumination before/during/after and the focus on looks detracts from the love and 'perfectly imperfect' nature of the day, and that the point is to celebrate with loved ones....have any other brides had intrusive thoughts like this please? If so, how have you dealt with them and accepted them even if they seem vain or superficial?

Please be kind 🙏 x

To give some background:

Me and DH are not NC with MIL. I've been with DH, and known her, for years.

However since we have had our own space a lot has emerged behavior-wise which has made both of us uncomfortable and has raised alarm bells for me. It started a little when we got our own place together (at the time she was going through some big relationship fallout but has since 'mended' her relationship with unfaithful SO.) At the time she was weird about how we didn't involve her SO in getting our place, I think she made out that it was because he has a background in property (? They were not involved in any way financial or otherwise so can only assume it stemmed from her own insecurities around 'acceptance' of SO and her own relationship decisions.)

When we got married her drama got significantly worse in the lead up to our wedding (which we paid for and organised completely) and she organised to come over with SO one evening (at our home) and the complaints were similar. Why hadn't we invited SO to look at our venue (?!) and why were we not inviting four of their friends for the whole day (just evening). She was literally in tears about it and said it was 'her day too'. I didn't react and in fact stayed pretty composed, a lot of this seemed (disrespectfully?) aimed only at DH. Luckily we are really on the same page about her behavior and he stood up for both of us and we didn't change anything based on their requests. The one time I tried to speak up for myself though, she said we were talking over her and she stood up to leave... it wasn't great. She never apologized for this and brought it all up again by text with my DH when they'd left. I ended up texting her and politely saying she needed to give us space over the wedding because it was our day. She never replied and set up a 'walk' with DH where she said my message was 'vile' and she was only prepared to apologize to DH, as otherwise she wouldn't come to the wedding. It's pretty hard to stomach that she can't acknowledge and be accountable for upsetting me. She seems to also have a complex over how close DH is with my parents, who she and her SO have never made an effort to engage with. So there are probably a few angles. What was even more insane was that she came to the wedding in this particular style and color gown (she knew my bridesmaids were going to wear this style and color, luckily she picked a totally different shade of this color) but it was obvious what she was doing and deliberately entered our ceremony room just before my girls. It was something to laugh about honestly but it showed me more of this toxic and narcissistic side to her (we had an awesome wedding day anyhow!)

I've since been distancing myself hugely and we collectively limit contact to maybe a few times a year anyways as DH doesn't have a great or close relationship with her. She has never spoken about, addressed or apologized for her behavior since.

However I've been with DH for years so I'm also connected to MIL on linkedin (whyyyy) and we now work in the same industry (she even sat down with me at ours to get advice on it when she was very new to it, which in hindsight was just her using me) - I'm going through a big job transition soon and just don't want my life changes to be visible to her. Everything just seems to become a weird talking point for her and I'm also just at a point where I want to control how much of a window she has into my life. It gives me great anxiety. Should I just disconnect with her or block her? I don't talk to her unless I'm seeing her with DH honestly but I want to avoid any drama. I feel like blocking her on WhatsApp would be more obvious but as I don't talk to her I'm more concerned about the unfortunate social media connection. DH said I should do whatever makes me comfortable.

Before anyone comments about kids, we don't have and don't plan to have them (frankly given how she is I'm happy this was always our mindset).

Any ops valued on how you navigate interactions like this.