I used to keep a soap dish there (hence the blue colour) and over time noticed this forming. Is there any way to get it back to normal or should I accept that it will possibly come out of my deposit?
I (30F) got married to my now husband (30M) last year after being together for 10 years. We’re in a long distance marriage because he is studying in the US while I’ve been working in the UK. The plan was for me to move around the time he finished his degree but as luck would have it, my company has put a freeze on transfers to the US.
This is not an ideal situation by any means but his approach to dealing with it is causing me a lot of additional stress. My husband doesn’t have a strong community there which is why he gets very lonely and while I empathise with him because I went through the same thing when I moved to the UK, I hate how he takes it out on me. He constantly blames me for not being there and ignores all the effort I’ve been putting to actually make the move. Every time we talk about what our plan is for the situation, it feels like an attack on me to the point that I’ve stopped initiating any discussion around it. He then blames me for not initiating and uses that to prove how he is the only one who is bothered by the distance. He accuses me of actually not wanting to put any effort into the relationship and not wanting to move because I’m all settled in my little life here.
Every time this happens, I get defensive and because of that I feel like I can’t be there for him as a partner. Even when I do try to rise above it and be there for him when he gets lonely, it’s as if I can never get it right. When I give him space, I’m wrong. When I push him to talk, I’m wrong. When I try to talk about something else, I’m wrong. I dont know how to get through to him and it feels like he wants to be miserable because that’s one way he can punish me.
He constantly tells me he harbours a lot of resentment towards me which I think is very unfair. My only thing in this whole situation was that I dont want to move if I’m going to be unemployed and as a logical (according to me I guess) conclusion we discussed that he would move after his degree. That became his source of resentment because he feels that he has to give his career prospects and all the hard work he has done and downgrade to a lower lifestyle in the UK than what he could have had in the US. Bigger reason - that he has to make a sacrifice that I wasn’t ready to make (even though I dont think it’s an apple to apple comparison).
It’s now been days since we have spoken. I called and called but there has been no response from him except telling me once that he doesn’t have the bandwidth to speak to me on the phone.
Oh and he doesn’t want to entertain the thought of couples therapy.
I dont think I’m adult enough for this! What do I do here to keep my marriage from falling apart?
TL;DR- i’m in a long distance marriage and am being constantly blamed for our situation. My husband has now stopped all contact with me and I dont know what to do.
I (30F) got married to my now husband (30M) last year after being together for 10 years. We’re in a long distance marriage because he is studying in the US while I’ve been working in the UK. The plan was for me to move around the time he finished his degree but as luck would have it, my company has put a freeze on transfers to the US.
This is not an ideal situation by any means but his approach to dealing with it is causing me a lot of additional stress. My husband doesn’t have a strong community there which is why he gets very lonely and while I empathise with him because I went through the same thing when I moved to the UK, I hate how he takes it out on me. He constantly blames me for not being there and ignores all the effort I’ve been putting to actually make the move. Every time we talk about what our plan is for the situation, it feels like an attack on me to the point that I’ve stopped initiating any discussion around it. He then blames me for not initiating and uses that to prove how he is the only one who is bothered by the distance. He accuses me of actually not wanting to put any effort into the relationship and not wanting to move because I’m all settled in my little life here.
Every time this happens, I get defensive and because of that I feel like I can’t be there for him as a partner. Even when I do try to rise above it and be there for him when he gets lonely, it’s as if I can never get it right. When I give him space, I’m wrong. When I push him to talk, I’m wrong. When I try to talk about something else, I’m wrong. I dont know how to get through to him and it feels like he wants to be miserable because that’s one way he can punish me.
He constantly tells me he harbours a lot of resentment towards me which I think is very unfair. My only thing in this whole situation was that I dont want to move if I’m going to be unemployed and as a logical (according to me I guess) conclusion we discussed that he would move after his degree. That became his source of resentment because he feels that he has to give his career prospects and all the hard work he has done and downgrade to a lower lifestyle in the UK than what he could have had in the US. Bigger reason - that he has to make a sacrifice that I wasn’t ready to make (even though I dont think it’s an apple to apple comparison).
It’s now been days since we have spoken. I called and called but there has been no response from him except telling me once that he doesn’t have the bandwidth to speak to me on the phone.
Oh and he doesn’t want to entertain the thought of couples therapy.
I dont think I’m adult enough for this! What do I do here to keep my marriage from falling apart?
TL;DR- i’m in a long distance marriage and am being constantly blamed for our situation. My husband has now stopped all contact with me and I dont know what to do.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family where it was clear that my parents should never have gotten married. My dad has never taken a stand for my mother and my mother became so bitter over time. Their relationship problems stemmed quite a bit from my father’s family dynamics where everyone kept piling on passive hate on them, especially my paternal grandmother. I have a great father but I hate to say it, my dad doesn’t have a spine as a husband. And because she wasn’t getting any support from him, my mother put everything on me. I became her emotional companion very early on. I was expected to take a stand for her vocally and if I didn’t I would get called names - I remember multiple instances where she told me I was selling myself to random men for money because I did something wring or said something wrong (I frankly dont even remember what the trigger was anymore). I couldn’t have been older than 12 years.
The biggest thing though was guilt. Everything I did, was followed with guilt. If I go out with my friends 2 days in a row, I dont care about my parents. If I sit in my room alone, I dont want to spend time with them (and that I’ll regret it when they are dead). I’m constantly told that I haven’t done anything for my parents that other children do.
I’m so soo grateful for everything they’ve done for me - and they have done a lot. I was never a very demanding child but whatever I asked for I got no matter if we had the means or not. They’ve given me a lot despite the emotional challenges they were going through. But I’m 30 now and I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of trying to make them happy. I’m tired of trying to solve their problems. I’m tired of listening to their problems. I’m tired of having to navigate my marriage on eggshells to ensure there is nothing else to guilt me about.
There are times when I just want to tell them that I cannot live with them at all (I dont but they do visit me as I’m in a long distance marriage). The years and years of guilt tripping is just so much. And I want to do things for them and to make them happy but I feel anything I do is never enough and that I’m feeding a bottomless pit of discontent and unhappiness. There are times I think everything would be simpler if I just didn’t exist but I’m too pussy to out myself (ugh). And I can’t talk to anyone about this because I dont want to paint my parents in a bad light in any way and I if I say anything to them, there goes another guilt trip of how I’m an ungrateful daughter. I’m losing any semblance of empathy.
TLDR: This is a rant that I needed to get off my chest as much as an ask for guidance. I feel guilty that I cannot make my parents happy even though I recognise that I’m not the actual source of their unhappiness. I’m not the best daughter but I’m not worst and I dont know how to navigate this situation.